Pages Yet To Be Written
by forsakenphoenix1
Summary: Writer's hands are magical. They can create kingdoms with the tallest towers and the thickest wooden doors. But sometimes the best defenses can falter against the greatest weapon there is; love. Can love help bring Lily out from the world her hands and wo
1. Home

Lily sighed as she pulled her trolley to a stop in front of the barrier to platform 9 and ¾. It's not like she was disappointed to be going back to Hogwarts, no, she was in fact, excited. But, the truth was--she had no one to share her excitement with. Her parents had dropped her off at King's Cross station, not staying because her sister Petunia screamed and yelled that she refused to be seen with a freak. Her parents finally agreed to just drop Lily off and apologized profusely for her sister. It was not like they could leave Petunia in the car and they needed to do some shopping in London anyways. So here was Lily, alone, like always. She had no friends at Hogwarts. Not in all the three years she attended her school was she ever spoken to. She was quiet and perhaps it was her lack of social abilities, that rendered her invisible.   
  
She walked through the barrier and made her way through the crowd onto the Hogwarts Express, dragging her trunk behind her. She found an empty compartment, changed into her robes so she didn't have to later on and pushed her trunk out of the way before sitting down on the seat and staring out the window. Her reflection glared back fiercely before her eyes pushed pass the face stopping to stare at the platform. Students were saying good-byes to their families and then hurrying to get on the train before it left. Soon the platform slowly emptied and the train lurched forward, pulling away and racing towards the countryside. Lily leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes.  
  
Her sleep was disturbed by the sound of her compartment door sliding open. She opened one eye slightly to see who the intruder was. Instead of seeing one person, she saw four. It was the Marauders; James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. They were the most sought after boys at Hogwarts, with the exception of Peter, and their attitudes proved it. Except Remus. He was quiet, shy, and the logical thinker of the group. He kept his head on the ground and didn't let the Marauder's 'famous pranks' get to his head. She lifted her groggy head and glared at the perpetrators who dared disturb her sleep. They didn't seem to notice that she occupied the compartment and sat down on the seats in front of her, conversing with one another. Remus brushed his dirty blonde hair out of his eyes and glanced over at the figure laying before him, he glanced over at the boys quickly to see if they had noticed. They hadn't. Maybe he was seeing things, he had never seen her before. He turned away and listened intently to one of James and Sirius' new pranks and Lily closed her eyes again and fell back to sleep.  
  
The sky outside slowly darkened consuming all visible lights. The train slowly came to a halt in Hogsmeade and Lily was awakened by the noise level outside her compartment. She pulled herself up, the four boys in her compartment had already left, and she walked out colliding with the warm air. She sighed, she was finally home. She heard the familiar voice of Hagrid, "Firs' years! Firs' years over here!" She smiled and remembered when she was a first year, hearing that big booming voice, she was frightened by him and his size. But she soon came to realize he was as gentle as any man and not to judge a book by its cover. Lily found her way to an empty carriage and climbed in. Her carriage was soon taken over by three other Gryffindor students: Taran Clefford, Rhenna Algorian, and Cleo Nocks, all fourth year girls who shared a dorm with Lily. They too, like the boys who took over her compartment paid no heed to the red-head who shared a carriage with them. The carriage made its way through the gates and stopped in front of Hogwarts, the three Gryffindor students filed out with Lily behind them. The students walked into the Great Hall, staring at the magnificent ceiling which was now a dark navy and dotted with diamonds. Lily made her way to the end of the table, where she was far away from everyone else. That's how she liked it and no one bothered her. When she had settled into her seat, the doors of the Great Hall burst open and Professor McGonagall walked in followed by twenty first year students. Lily noticed the look of pure terror on each of their faces and turned when she heard the sound of muffled laughing. There, laughing hysterically, were the Marauders. Lily overheard them telling the other Gryffindor students that they told all the first years that they would have to battle a boggart before they were placed into their houses. The first year students had never encountered a boggart and they were not sure of what to do. When Professor McGonagall told them all they had to do was place the Sorting Hat on their head, their faces relaxed and Lily found them all glaring at the laughing Marauders. When the boys noticed all the first years' eyes on them they quickly stopped laughing and tried their best to look completely innocent. Lily sighed, 'some people never change,' she thought. When the sorting had finished Professor Dumbledore made his normal announcements before letting the feast commence. When the plates were clean and everyone no longer had an appetite, Dumbledore excused them and sent the off to bed. Lily reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and gave her the password, "Ferocia Leo." The portrait swung open and Lily made her way through the common room and into the fourth year girls' dorm. She lay down on her soft bed and instantly fell asleep, forgetting to take off her robes. 


	2. Hello Solitude

Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
  
She held back the tears she knew that were coming. She held her breath, her secrets hidden safe within. Memories linger, playing beneath closed eyes, soaked with sorrow. Sorrow for a broken heart.  
  
And the knife cuts deeper-a wound open to infection. She cries now. Her eyes no longer able to with hold the bitter tears that sting her wounds like acid. Burning, bleeding. Do you know how it feels to be in misery?  
  
And her flame has burnt out, her light is slowly fading as darkness radiates within. The scent of silence. Smell her fear. Her ragged breath muted by an invisible force as the darkness dominates her glowing ember, smother it to ashes. She's alone, you know. Her solitude is overbearing. She suffocates. Can you save her?   
  
Lily woke the next morning to the burning sunlight streaming through the window in her dorm. She rubbed her eyes sleepily and realized she was still wearing her clothing from the night before. She got up and looked around--the remaining girls were still asleep. Lily walked into the bathroom to take a shower. The warm water washing over her bare body relaxing her tense muscles. She got out of the shower and changed into her robes, smelling of roses and melons. She sighed in content, taking one last look at her dorm before grabbing her books and walking down the stairs to the common room.  
  
She walked into the common room, it was almost empty. 'Almost,' Lily thought with a sigh. The four Marauders lay sprawled out on the couches and floor talking quietly amongst themselves. They didn't notice Lily walk in. No one ever did. She made her way towards the portrait hole before she was stopped by a quiet voice.  
  
"Hello," the voice said, Lily turned around and identified the speaker; Remus. She nodded to acknowledge his greeting and turned to leave before he spoke again, "Are you new here?" Lily wished he would leave her alone, no one ever talked to her, how was she to answer? She thought only to be polite and replied quietly, "No."  
  
Remus looked shocked. The remaining Marauders stared at Remus and Lily. Why hadn't they seen her before? "Really?" Sirius butted in, "How come we've never seen you before?" Lily smiled a bit, of course they wouldn't. "No one ever notices me," she answered sadly. "I suppose you get use to the solitude after a while and don't bother making friends-they end up hurting you anyways. Who would want to go through that kind of pain, that kind of torture?" She replied, more to herself than anyone. Noticing the confused looks on the Marauders' faces, she sadly turned away and walked out of the common room, the portrait hole closing behind her. No one will ever understand.  
  
"Whad'ya think she meant by that?" James asked lazily. Remus shrugged in reply. This girl was intriguing. The Marauders wanted to know more about her. When the remaining Gryffindor students woke up and were milling around the common room, James stood up suddenly. The girls eyes suddenly opened wide and grinned stupidly. "Does anyone know a red-head girl that's in our house?" James asked, trying to think of a better way to describe her. Some students shook their head 'no', other's shrugged and looked confused. The girls stared dreamily at the tall James, standing at 5'7, his black hair stuck up in many odd places and his grey eyes were deep. They were the kind of eyes you could stare into, like an ocean, and drown. They pulled you deep into their depths, challenging you to look further into his soul. James sighed, walking towards the portrait hole with the rest of the Marauders following right behind him.  
  
The Marauders walked into the Great Hall followed by half of Hogwarts girl population. They grinned happily, forgetting the incident this morning and welcomed the girls with open arms, while Lily welcomed solitude with an open heart. Timetables were passed down and the fourth year Gryffindors groaned. Potions with Slytherins, first thing in the morning. The Marauders took their mind of this by flirting with the girls that surrounded them. Remus, dragging his eyes away from Sirius and James' flock of fans laid his eyes upon that same red-head girl he tried to converse with this morning. She was reading. He quickly got up from his seat and moved down the table to sit in front of her. Lily looked up in surprise from the book she had been reading and saw Remus' face which soon broke into a grin. "Hello!" he said. She smiled and looked back down at her book. Remus frowned but continued, "I'm Remus, by the way, Remus Lupin," he tried again. The girl looked up again, her eyes a dull emerald color lacking happiness. Lily grimaced, she hated this. She wondered why the Marauders were bothering her. They never noticed her before. But again, she tried being polite. She simply said, "I'm Lily Evans," and left it at that. Remus grinned, he got something out of her. A name but not just a name, a pretty name. It reminded him of a flower and he said that too. Lily smiled a bit and her eyes relunctantly fell back into place on the page she had been reading. Remus got up again, not wanting to disturb her, and found his place beside Sirius again.  
  
"Where'd you go?" Peter asked. Remus grinned, "To get a fair maiden's name," he replied. Sirius and James laughed, "And what may I ask is the pretty princess' name?" Sirius replied with his best fairy tale voice. "Princess Lily Evans." James smiled and look down the table to where Lily sat and his heart skipped a beat. His eyes searched her, from her brilliant red hair that fell down her shoulders, curls framing her face, to the emerald eyes that seemed to be silently crying. James then realized that Lily was staring back, that was how he saw her eyes, the ones that once before scanning the page. But Lily felt she was being watched and found who it was; James Potter. She just stared back. James grinned at her, she shyly smiled back and kicked herself inside. She wasn't supposed to be smiling or talking to the Marauders, they were the popular ones, she was the invisible one. The one no one noticed, the one she forced herself to become by building up a barricade to her heart, her soul, and her mind. She fought so hard to keep her wall up, the one that protected her from everyone and everything. She did not want to get hurt, she did not need to get hurt. Deep inside the despair grew and the sadness plagued her eyes. But she knew in her mind, she needed someone, anyone to listen.   
  
Lily grabbed her bag and walked at a fast pace until she was out of the Great Hall. Stopping she looked down at her timetable; seeing what class she had now. Lily then walked towards the dungeons and into her Potions class. A few minutes passed and the class slowly began to file in. The Marauders sat in the row in front of her, while the girls sat in front of them, hanging off every word. Remus, however, sat next to Lily and regarded her with a smile. She scowled, 'what was going on?' she thought. "Hello Lily," Remus said as the Marauders turned around to notice the young girl besides Remus. She ignored them until James said, "It's rude not to respond to a greeting."  
  
"Oh, sorry," Lily said sarcastically, "I guess my position as a no one forgot to remind me to be polite to those who've ignored me. Lay off, Potter," she replied coldly. James just stared at her, his mouth hanging open. Once he regained his composure, he shot back, "What's your problem, Evans?" Lily smirked, "Ah, popular, heartthrob James Potter actually knows my name? I'm surprised, Potter, I thought you didn't associate yourself with those who are lower than you are." James just gave her an icy stare before Professor Kirkaldy interrupted by beginning the lesson.   
  
"Who does she think she is?" James whispered to Sirius, who in turn shrugged in reply. "Well I intend to find out," James said, concocting a plan in his head. 


	3. Jade

(a/n: Everything Lily writes in her diary, which will be in ' ' is written by me. So don't think of trying to blame me for plagiarizing.)  
  
The day went by fairly fast, the Marauders stopped talking to Lily and Lily went back to being invisible. She didn't mind much, she was used to it. Who'd want to be friends with the Marauders anyways? The common room was quite noisy and Lily was beginning to become aggrivated. It was the first day back and already her teachers piled her with some essays to write. At the moment, she was writing a two foot Potions essay on the uses of wolfsbane in potions. She growled in frustration, she was an inch and a half short and she didn't know what to write. However, her mind was on other things so she quickly jotted down something made up, rolled the horrible essay up, and shoved it in her bag. She finished all her homework, finally. It was close to eleven o'clock and Lily looked up. The common room was emptying out, only a few stragglers remaining to finish some last minute homework. Lily searched the room curiously, she hadn't seen the Marauders since dinner. Not like she wanted to see them, but it was almost eleven and they had broken curfew. She thought of ways to get them in trouble but changed her mind. No one knew who she was, they wouldn't believe her. When Lily came back to reality she realized the common room was empty. Good, it was what she was waiting for. She pulled a slim black book from the bottom of her bag and flipped it open. She ran her finger along the page, before turning it--she did this a few times before she reached a blank page. Dipping her quill into the ink, she began to write.  
  
'My emerald eyes beat through the black coat that hung loosely above them. Sadness plagues these eyes, sadness only the creator can see. A perpetual frown hides beneath a plastered smile, a frown only darkness can see. The same darkness that sheared my soul away in a scythe of fire, wrenching out every last ounce of happiness. A constant battle of contradicting emotions fighting until the death, a battle only my heart can see. A heart, which I do not own, continues to beat with strength. The only emotion I can control is love. But my love was wasted on him and I lost my heart forever. My mind--a whirlwind of dark, turbulent thoughts spoken only by silence. Never were words uttered from my frozen lips--only written with blood upon pallid skin which were soon cloaked with darkness. The darkness plunged deep beneath layers of dreams, into a layer of forgotten memories. Memories which haunted my childhood dreams, making me cry out with the loss of sleep. Memories which I locked beneath my skin, praying never to reveal again. But darkness awakens these horrid memories, flashing fragments behind closed eyes, burning wounds within my mind. These sad green eyes will never open again, these wounds will never heal. My heart will never beat again, my thoughts will never feel. My body was slain by the mere memory of torture unable to withstand the onslaught of emotions. It was my sadness that killed me in the end, the sadness I let consume me when I did not feel at all. Maybe if that plastered smile melted and let my emotions through--maybe they wouldn't have suffocated me. I gave up tonight. I let darkness win.'  
  
Lily sat motionless, tears slipping from her eyes as she stared at the foreign words she just wrote. Her eyes danced with sadness and she stared into the fire, watching the embers glowing brilliantly. Even the sound of the portrait hole opening and the sound of laughter filling the empty common room did not ruin Lily's concentration on the burning embers. The echo of laughter bounced throughout the room and stopped, causing an eerie silence as the Marauders entered their common room, their safe ground. They began walking towards their dormitories before they noticed a figure sitting on a couch before the fire. The red-hair was unmistakably Lily's. They cast a curious glance towards her, wondering why she was still awake. The fire lit up her flushed face tinged with tears that reflected the flames off her cheeks, her diary lay open in her lap and the quill lay lifeless in her hand. Lily gazed into the fire, like she could see something the boys could not. It was a few moments before any movement was made. Remus made his way over to the couch and gently touched Lily's shoulders. Her eyes focused and she snapped her head in Remus' direction, staring at his inquisitive face. She blushed. She let the Marauders see her, vulnerable and weak. Remus' eyes penetrated her soul and she closed her eyes, hoping to obstruct his view through her eyes, the window to her desperate soul, hoping to enclose the tears that wouldn't stop falling.   
  
Remus let his hand rest on Lily's shoulder, James and Sirius walked towards Lily, facing her, blocking her fire light. Peter went upstairs, muttering something about not having time for her. Lily took in a sharp breath and opened her eyes again, now not only was Remus staring into her soul, so were Sirius and James. She groaned, "Come to make fun of me, Potter? I'm here, weak and vulnerable, come to bring me down again?" James shook his head, "No, Lily. I think we got off on the wrong foot," any plan of getting her back soon vanished from his mind. "Give us a chance," he said, referring to the Marauders. "Why should I?" she asked, "Why do you suddenly have such an interest in social outcast, Lily Evans. The girl, no one knows exists. I liked my life like that! I didn't want to be a someone," she sobbed, "I wanted to be left alone. Why do you want to be my friend?" Her body shook and Remus' hand tightened its grip. It was Sirius' turn to speak, "Lily, we apologize for not noticing you before. We were blind and foolish boys, we can't stand seeing a fellow Gryffindor hurt so much. We know you're hurting, we can see it in your eyes." Lily gaped at Sirius. Those words coming from Sirius Black? Preposterous, but it happened. Lily closed her eyes again and hoped to block out the scene in front of her. She felt a warm hand brush the tears away and felt the weight of another body sitting beside her. The hand left her face and reached for her diary, which was now closed. Lily opened her eyes and saw it was James sitting next to her, it was his warm hand that touched her cheek, his warm hand that now possessed the true window to her soul. But did not stop him. He picked up the thin black book and opened it and read.  
  
'The shades of black merge with crimson. True happiness ceased to exist in my soul. Feeding off pure hatred for every living creature. I'm just a monster myself, just like everyone else. We all are monsters, creating our own Hells. Don't you see it? We were so blind to see that life is not a fairytale and there is no such thing as happiness and true love. Yet we failed to notice and we believed such lies. How could we be so foolish? Yet some of us are fooled to believe we have found true love. As for me, I love my solitude. I cannot afford to be a burden for others. I've already been consumed by the flames of my own prison. Can you still save me now? I've fought against you and your beliefs. I cursed your words and now I curse your silence. If I beg you not to leave, will you plead with me to stay? I don't want to die alone. Don't let me die alone. Tonight-I do not wish to be graced with the presence of a Guardian Angel. Not tonight. Please save your sorrow for another night. Save Death for Time and Old Age, not for Sorrow. I still need you. Don't leave me, please.'  
  
"Lily," James said, a little bit intimidated, "Why did you close your heart up? Why are you pushing everyone away?" His eyes lingered on her face, looking for an expression, any expression, but it ended in vain. Her face was expressionless and her voice was quiet, barely above a whisper.   
  
"I had a friend once," she started, looking as if she would cry again, "He meant the world to me. He was my life--the air I breathed, the blood I bled, the tears I cried. I was completely open with him, no secrets, no lies. Until one day. He lied to me. He didn't open to me and left his emotions to eat away at him until he couldn't take the agony anymore. He left me a note, telling me he was sorry and that he always loved me until the grave. That love didn't last long, he killed himself the next time. When he died, he took my love with him, he took my warmth with him, my compassion. He took everything I was made of and it killed me. I was dead, emotionless, but still breathing. Barely. He hurt me. He stole my heart. I figured if it happened once, it could happen again. I don't think I have enough strength in me to deal with another ordeal like that again," Lily finished.   
  
Sirius, James, and Remus were silent the whole time, letting her explain every detail. Lily was afraid of the silence, she feared it. She wished they said something, anything! No words came but Lily found herself enclosed in a hug from James, his arms wrapped around her lower back and holding her body close to his. "I'm so sorry," he whispered in her ear. He pulled back and stared at her for a moment, her face now glistening with fresh tears. He wiped these away too, his gaze transfixed with Lily's. Then to Lily's growing surprise, Sirius and Remus both hugged her tightly, whispering comforting words into her ears. There was silence again before James spoke. "Lily, if you would please, please give us a chance. Let us become your friends. We swear we won't hurt you. It kills us seeing a pretty girl like you so sad." Lily bit her bottom lip. 'Did he just say I'm pretty?' she asked herself. Her thoughts swam in her mind, overpowering, tiring her. But she came to a final decision. She nodded in agreement. She let the Marauders into her heart, she let them into her soul. She was no longer walking the edge. She felt a sudden warmth running through her veins and smiled. James smiled back, though her smile did not quite reach her eyes yet, she was smiling. She wasn't happy but she wasn't in complete misery. 'This was a start,' James thought, 'I promise I'll take care of her, I won't let her slip away,' he added to his mounting thoughts. 


	4. A Part of Me Has Died

Lily woke the next morning with a dull headache. She struggled to recall what happened the night before until it hit her like a heavy stone in her stomach. She cried and the Marauders befriended her. However wary she was of their intentions, Lily could not turn down an offer of friendship. Their antics did not seem false and James swore he wouldn't hurt her, what was there to be doubtful of? Yet Lily couldn't help feeling worried, she was never noticed and all of a sudden the most popular guys at her school with trying to be her friend, it was just odd.  
  
She looked to the other four beds and saw the girls fast asleep. Awake early again. She pulled herself off the bed, jumping slightly as her bare feet touched the cold stone floor. Walking quickly to the bathroom, Lily relaxed once she was in her shower. The hot water warmed her body and relieved her aches. Dragging herself from the comforts of the warmth, Lily dried herself off and slipped into her warm robes, the warmth washing over her once more. She dried her hair with a quick drying spell, grabbed the books she needed for the upcoming classes and like the morning before, made her way down to the common room. But unlike yesterday, the common room was empty this morning, void of anything that breathed. The fire burned fiercely, laughing with the smoldering embers. Lily pushed her way through the portrait of the Fat Lady and walked down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Sitting down at her usual seat, she noticed not many people were up yet. It was probably still quite early. Taking a piece of toast, she looked at it before turning her head in disgust. She had no appetite for eating. She placed the uneaten toast on her plate and examined her surroundings once more. The Great Hall was starting to fill as students woke up. In no time at all, Lily saw the Marauders walk in, followed, like always, by their fan club. The boys sat down and any empty seats beside them were soon occupied by a hopeful girl. Lily sighed, 'maybe last night was a dream,' she thought. Maybe she was still Lily Evans the invisible no one. The top of every class, quiet, withdrawn, socially inept loser, Lily Evans. At the moment, she hated herself, she hated the way she pushed everyone away and how she forced herself to build a barricade around her mind, to protect herself from hurt and pain. She shook her head angrily, 'stop thinking like that,' she scolded herself. But she pulled on her slim diary and flipped open to an empty page before writing down her thoughts.  
  
'I felt darkness descend upon me--the loss of consciousness from the excruciating pain. I was determined to build a barricade around my mind, to protect myself as best I could. I slipped over the edge of pain and found that the onslaught did not stop, it would not stop, instead, it grew stronger. It caged me within its claws, leaving my world as a blur beyond the sphere of pain enveloping every inch of my aching body. Poisoning my veins like lead. My eyes, the mirrors to my soul, reflecting my pain upon the spectator. Writhing in pain beneath imperceptible chains that held me down, crying for help with only silence to be found. Torture. The pain was unbearable, the defeat was undeniable. I was to give in. But would the pain ever truly stop? It flowed within my veins. The simplest touch burned, the faintest breath weakened. And tears made their way down my ashen cheeks only to merge with my pallid color and you were blind to see, what ever was bothering me.'  
  
Lily put her quill down beside her diary and reread every word over, mouthing the words and feeling her pain and misery multiply by the second. Though, writing down what she felt alleviated some of the pain, slightly. She sighed, she was miserable. Even if the Marauders were her friends--would she ever be truly happy? Or was it just a dream, could she have dreamt that the Marauders befriended her? But taking one last glance at where they sat, James looked up and gave her a comforting smile, Lily sighed in relief. It wasn't just a dream, it truly happened. Her troubling thoughts pushed aside for the moment, Lily gathered her belongings and to make her way out of the Great Hall. But she was stopped momentarily by James hand, wrapping around her wrist and pulling her closer to the Marauders.  
  
"Mornin' Lily," Sirius said while chewing bacon at the same time. Lily flinched and looked down, nauseated by the sight. Remus smacked Sirius in the head and reminded him of his manners, he apologized shortly afterwards. Lily mumbled a feeble "good morning," to the boys before muttering something about having to get to class. James laughed, "Class doesn't start for another 10 minutes, Lily!" Lily grinned sheepishly, "I need to finish some last minute homework," she said shrugging and made her way through the Great Hall. She glanced quickly at her timetable, noting that she had Transfiguration first thing in the morning. Transfiguration! Lily found this subject quite fascination and was always fervent to learn something new. Lily made her way towards the Transfiguration classroom and sat at the very back, like always, eager to begin the lesson. First Transfiguration class of the year was always exciting, of course, so where the remaining classes. Once the rest of the class filed in, Professor McGonagall told them they were to be working in partners in this exercise and that they would be turning the ravens in front of them into small rats. Coincidentally enough, Lily and James were made partners and Lily refusing to move from her spot in the back of the classroom, forced James to move and sit next to her. The girls in the room were giving Lily dirty glares, tempting her to glare back. It's not like they knew who she was, they don't remember ever seeing her--no one did, until now. Lily smiled timidly as James placed his books on the table in front of him, he grinned back. James and Lily were both the first to turn their ravens into rats, so while Professor McGonagall tried to reverse the spell on Akton Bleacher when Sirius accidentally turned him into a rat, Lily and James began talking about last night.  
  
"You were pretty upset last night, are you alright now?" he asked, concern and confusing dancing in his eyes. Lily nodded, "I…I can't believe I broke apart like that. I'm usually not like that, but I'm afraid, perhaps, the emotions that I've kept inside for so many years is finally catching up to me. I feel like I'm going to explode, like a bottle of wine, pouring my contents. I suppose that's a downside to never being noticed--you have no friends to comfort you, to reason with you, to support you. But you get used to the solitude, I did. You learn to live with the misery by yourself but unfortunately, one cannot live like that forever. I broke--I had forgotten about the day my best friend died. With his life, a part of me died and I suppose with the death, it took my memory of that friendship along with it. The pain was everlasting, continuing though I forgot why. And I woke up that morning and felt dreadfully miserable, that's how you found me last night. I've reached my end, James. I've finally fallen," she said sadly. James' eyes lacked his usual spirit as he looked at Lily's heartbreaking expression. "It's alright Lily," he said comforting, "You have the Marauders now, we won't turn our backs on you. You just have to promise not to rebuild your wall, you need to open up to us. If you promise that, we promise we will never abandon you. Friends forever," James said solemnly, his hand now resting on Lily's knee, squeezing it gently. Lily nodded. Things were beginning to look up. 


	5. Failure

More than once during the day, Lily mentally kicked herself for ever agreeing to be friends with the Marauders in the first place. It took her three years to build the wall that surrounded her and in less than a day, those silly immature boys knocked it down. Lily was angry with herself and her ability to control her emotions. James would not stop following her, watching her like a hawk, making sure her next step wasn't her last. Lily pretended to ignore this annoying act and tried to get on with her life through the day. Occasionally she would get a jealous look from another girl because James was walking with her, but these careless glares were simply brushed aside. To add to her great annoyance, Sirius quickly followed suit and Lily could not go to any of her classes without Sirius and James tagging along.   
  
Walking towards the North Tower for Divination, Lily felt a sudden weight sink into her stomach. Again she criticized herself for opening up to the Marauders. Too busy reviewing the events of last night and today, Lily did not notice that she had reached the North Tower and was standing in a throng of students, waiting for the class to begin. Whispers ran through the crowd, the usual 'where's the classroom?' 'who's the teacher?' And if by magic, their questions were answered when a trapdoor swung open and a ladder came down, allowing them to access the stifling hot Divination classroom. Climbing the ladder, absentmindedly, Lily missed a rung and slipped. Of course, James was beneath her and he caught her before she hit the ground. 'Are you alright?' he inquired, Lily merely nodded and began to ascend the ladder once more. Finally making it into the room, Lily was suddenly hit by the strong scent that made her think of perfume-lit fires. There was barely enough clean oxygen to breathe and all the windows were shut. Lily knew this class would be very long. The Professor, Professor Oracolo, began describing the lessons they would do throughout the year. They would first began with tea leaves, then move on to…Lily became drowsy from the strong perfume and her head began to throb. She desperately waited for the class to end, the seconds ticking by slowly, just to torture her. Professor Oracolo's voice droned on and Lily fought to keep her attention in class--this wasn't like her. She dragged herself back into reality, "…though I'm sure not many of you possess the true persona of a seer," the Professor's voice rang in Lily's mind. Just as the Professor was about to describe the properties and uses of tea leaves, she stopped and announced that class was dismissed and they would begin tea leaves the next class. Lily, happily, made her way out of the Divination classroom, swaying from the sudden attack of fresh air. Balancing herself, she stood a moment in front of the ladder and was soon knocked into by James, who didn't notice Lily still standing there. If anyone were to walk by, they would stifle an immediate laugh at the site. Lily was sprawled out on her stomach, books strewn out on the floor and James was sitting on top of her, somewhat confused at the sudden collision. Sirius grabbed James' hand and pulled him off the appalled Lily, while Remus grabbed Lily by the elbow and carefully helped her up. Peter picked up her books and when Lily regained her balance, she took them from him and thanked him. "S-so-sorry Lily," James stuttered. Lily shrugged it off and made her way through the crowd who had stopped to see the situation at hand. James still stood before the ladder in shock and his admirers became to swarm him. Feeling a bit light headed from the Divination room, James made his way through the wishful girls and hurried off the comforts of the Gryffindor common room.  
  
Lily leaned up against a wall in the common room, gasping for breath. She had run here all the way from the North Tower, escaping the stares that tore through her like headlights in the darkness. The room was empty, all the other years still had classes for another hour and the fourth years were still roaming the corridors. Lily slid to the floor, crawling to the shadows and cried. She didn't know what she was thinking, letting the Marauders become her friends! She did not want to have friends that got her such negative attention. She hated the glares that penetrated her skin and reached her soul, making her feel uncomfortable, every passing second. At times during the day, she just wanted to be left alone. She hated James and Sirius following her, watching her, like she was some porcelain doll that could shatter any second. She was fragile, she was a flower, but were such precautions necessary? Lily let her mind wander to the other things that bothered her. She remembered the day she received her letter from Hogwarts.   
  
She had been in the kitchen eating breakfast when her mother appeared from the front hall with the mail in her hands. She sifted through the letters and found one addressed to Lily, handing it to the anxious little girl who never received mail. It had been torn open and quickly read, then it found it's death, plunging from the little girl's hand to the floor. Her shining emerald eyes opened wide, in shock, and her mouth hanging open. "What's wrong, Lily?" her sister, Petunia asked curiously. "I…I'm a…a witch," Lily stammered. Pointing to the letter, "It says I'm accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy." Her mother scoffed, "What nonsense!" she exclaimed, picking up the letter. Reading it, her eyes, too opened wide. "Impossible," she whispered. Petunia now felt rather annoyed and snatched the letter away to read it. "You, you freak!" she screamed, staring at Lily like she had three heads. "You a witch?" Lily smiled, "I'm a witch!"  
  
"Nothing to be excited about, that just makes you abnormal. If you are a witch, I refuse to speak to you. I refuse to speak to a freak," Petunia retorted, storming out of the kitchen. Lily's mother sensed disappointment in Lily's face and hugged her quickly, "Don't worry, she's just jealous. She'll come around soon," she said hopefully, "I'm very proud of you," she added. Petunia refused to speak to her civilly every day after that. If she spoke to Lily it would always be criticism and vile words that cut Lily deep, so deep she bled.   
  
And she remembered James. James she envied how he was so perfect. His charm that made any girl fall head over heels, any girl but her. He was always the center of attention and he knew he could handle it well. He matured in the last couple of days, mainly due to the seriousness of Lily's situation but it was an amazing accomplishment. Sometimes she wished she was as flawless as he was. Flawless, perfect James Potter wanted to be flawed, loner Lily Evans' friend. 'Maybe it was out of pity,' Lily thought angrily.  
  
Lily blinked back the blinding tears and her vision was clouded again by vague memories of her unhappy three years at Hogwarts. Her draining emotions compelled her to do what she did every day, she wrote. She wrote to release the build up of miserable memories that seemed to burrow deep inside her heart, cutting her and burning her until she bled, bled to death. But this time, unlike so many times before, she wrote of James.   
  
'Such misery consumes me, never letting go. Sorrow ails my mending heart, binding me. Let's bend the rules slightly just so I can breathe. This pounding headache confuses my vision. The dimming sky and the pouring rain helps none to see. My fingers, they ache from clenching this fist but I'm so tired of living my life in constant despair. My heart attempts to beat once more, but fails. I am a failure. I fail when I try to see the sun through the darkened sky. I fail when I try to write what I feel--every emotions laid out for all to see. I can't write like you. No matter how hard I try. Piles upon piles of worthless paper with nothing but scribbles. I try to be honest with my emotions-but my audience lashes out at me. They scream, "You're a failure! You're a freak!" I can hear them though I'm deaf. I toss and turn in my empty bed and I can see them though I'm blind. And the tears sting the bruises around my eyes, where I rubbed and rubbed to see. Why can't I be like you? Perfect and flawless. The crowds are pleased and applaud with pleasure. You sleep in silence, in a paradoxical sleep. Oh, how I plead with God--I bargain with my life. If only I could be like you. I want to express my feelings so I could not have to keep them bottled because, unlike fine wine, emotions do not taste better with time. And the emotions get bottled up until I can't breathe and my lungs struggle for oxygen. And I try to carry myself away from the pain but I let myself fall. Don't you ever fall? No, no of course not! You're perfect, James. I hope you know, I cry at night for you.'  
  
The portrait hole opened and shut, the sound of muffled footsteps alerted Lily that there was a presence in the room. Hidden by the shadows that lurked in the corners of the common room, Lily noted the four Marauders walking in, talking quietly amongst themselves. "I wonder where Lily is," James asked. Of course you would, Lily thought, Come to pity the lonesome girl again? James sat down on the couch in front of the burning fire, his question left unanswered. "You worried?" Sirius asked. James shook his head but his face, creased with worry and despair gave away his true emotions. Lily stepped out of the shadows, diary in hand and spoke just above a whisper, "Your emotions betray you." 


	6. Recollection

James looked up in apparent shock. He hadn't realized that Lily was in the common room and glancing quickly at the other Marauders' faces, they hadn't either.  
  
"Lily! Wh-what are you doing here?" James stuttered.  
  
"Well, I am in Gryffindor, I have a right to be in this common room, don't I?" she retorted, coldly. Her ice chilled voice sent shivers down James' spine and he could only muster a nod in reply. Lily turned to head up to her dorm but stopped suddenly. The Marauders stared at the back of her fiery red hair, holding a breath in anticipation for the words they knew were coming. But there was silence and it was deafening. It pounded like a beating heart.   
  
Then Lily's lips finally moved and words escaped, "Never trust your emotions, James, for they have betrayed you. They are our life and death. They hold more power than any simple word could ever produce. The darkest of emotions could pull you deep within their grasp, never letting go until the darkness fully consumes every inch of light and good in your body, until you soul becomes a worthless black cavity. Never hide it either. Your face gives them away. Your eyes, are truly the windows to your soul, they can't keep emotions disguised and reveal even the deepest, darkest emotion your body can convey."   
  
Silence. Lily made her way up the stairs that led to the dorm and the boys could hear the door shut, leaving them alone in the common room. Remus sighed slightly, his face wrinkled with anxiety.   
  
"Lighten up, Moony! You're beginning to look like a worried old man!" Sirius said, trying to lighten the darkened mood that seemed to devour his friends. But none of them found this funny, they ignored the comment and the silence crept up again, eerily lingering longer than it should have.   
  
The silence was disrupted by the horde of Gryffindors that now swarmed the common room. The fourth years returned from the lake, where they relaxed after the last class of the day (minus Lily and the Marauders) and the other years were finally finished with their last class. Remus trudged out of the common room and up the stone steps to the boy's dormitory, his hunger for silence left him ravenous for solitude. Throbbing pain was running through his veins and he wanted some time to think, alone. The full moon was in a few days and he knew from experience that the slight throbbing pain would increase to something more excruciating. Remus lay down on his four poster bed and closed his eyes, blocking his view of his surroundings. Opening them, he ran them across the room. His eyes were searching for something, something he tried so desperately to place in the back of his mind, memories he wished never to remember.   
  
He ran. Ran as fast as his little legs go take him, but it wasn't fast enough. It was never fast enough. The boy brushed his sandy blonde hair out of his eyes and stopped for a moment. Trying to catch his breath, he allowed his body to relax, slow down and recollect his thoughts. The full moon shone bright through a break in the forest, shining it's light upon the four year old boy. A growl. Where was it? It came from his left. He turned slowly, his worst fear realized. His body was tense, he tried to move but he couldn't. Why couldn't he move? The growl persisted, glowing yellow eyes peered at him through a thicket of bushes. They were hungry eyes, looking for something--someone. Silence, he hated the silence. The creature in the bushes leapt forward, burying it's teeth into his small leg. A werewolf. His screams shattered the penetrable silence, he had to run. His body obeyed his pleas and he ran. Ran to nowhere, his face streaked with dry tears, he ran as fast as he could out of the forest. Collapsing just as he reached the edge of the forbidding forest, falling right into the waiting arms of nothing. Breathing heavily, he buried his face into the grass, it's smell bringing a faint comfort as he whimpered in pain. He remembered hearing the back door of the house burst open and faintly seeing the outline of a figure running towards him, later realizing it was his mother.  
  
"Moony?" James called looking anxiously at his friend, whose eyes were now glazed with an emotion he couldn't identify. Remus sat upright, pulled from his memories and he glanced around the room. Peter and Sirius were sitting on James' bed, staring at him oddly.   
  
"What?" he replied faintly, lacking the usual collectiveness in his voice.  
  
"Are you alright?" Sirius asked, concern flooding his gray eyes. Remus bit his bottom lip and nodded. "It's a full moon in a few days," Sirius commented, "Is that what's bothering you?"  
  
Remus sighed, "I was remembering the night I got bitten," he said as he pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them. His cheek resting on the top of his knees was pale and loosing color. He was beginning to feel the symptoms of the full moon. "I blame myself for getting bitten. I was such an idiot when I was younger. If only I had listened to my parents and stayed out of that bloody forest, I wouldn't be in this predicament!" he reprimanded himself, angrily. James placed a comforting hand on Remus' shoulder.  
  
"Don't blame yourself Moony, it wasn't your fault. You were little, you didn't know any better. All little kids are curious about things, you were just curious."  
  
"I hate being this monster! I hate it and I hate the pain I cause myself. I hate the feeling of tearing myself apart," Remus spat, anger boiling in his eyes, "If I wasn't so bloody careless I wouldn't have had to go through this bloody pain!!"  
  
"Moony, relax," Sirius said, trying to be calm, "In a few years we'll finally be able to join you. Maybe it won't hurt so bad with us being with you. We'll help you out, Remus. That's what friends are for."  
  
Remus grinned a bit, his anger dying down. "I still can't believe you guys want to become Animagi, just over silly me, the werewolf."  
  
This time, Peter replied, "You're not just a werewolf, Remus, you're our friend." James smiled at Peter and nodded his agreement. Remus smiled happily. This is why they were his best friends. You couldn't get much best friends than this lot, through thick and thin, the Marauders stick together. None of them ever knowing that it wouldn't always be like that. One would break away, betray the Marauders, and join forces with evil. But these fourteen year olds were clueless and happy for now. Not worrying about the future and trying never to reminisce about the past.  
  
Lily was sitting on her bed, relaxed and calm. Words were swimming in her head and she was trying to place them into complete thoughts, but she failed. Damn, she failed at everything. She was fine with her life until the Marauders showed up. She didn't mind the solitude but the attention she hated. Especially the negative attention, the glares and the offensive words. More than once, Lily heard someone mutter 'mud blood' under their voice when she walked by. All this because she was walking around the Marauders. Lily growled angrily, 'people were so stupid,' she thought to herself. She hated people, she hated herself and she hated life. How much worse could it get? Of course with the Marauders constantly butting into her business, it could get worse. She wondered why they wouldn't leave her alone. Until she realized that she let them into her life. She opened up to them, spoke the emotions that betrayed her so long ago. How could have laid her emotions out for them so easily, without a fight? She trusted them almost instantly but something wasn't right. She could never let her walls down for anyone. She sighed and ran her fingers through her red hair. Maybe it was fate. 


	7. Scheme

Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
  
(a/n: This is currently being revised and the revisions have not been added because--i have not received them as of yet. Oh and Happy Birthday to ME!)  
  
Sirius, who had been laying on his bed and deep in thought, sat up suddenly. "Guys, have you realized that we haven't pulled a prank on our favorite friends yet?" he asked, a twinkle in his playful blue eyes. The Marauders grinned.  
  
"I say breakfast tomorrow morning," James said thoughtfully. "And I have the perfect idea," he added.  
  
The Marauders spent the remainder of the evening going over the plan James had come up with. They went over any flaws and fixed it so the prank was perfect. They decided they were too excited to sleep, so they made their way down to the common room. It was dead silent and the fire was throwing shadows throughout the room. Sirius glanced out the window and saw the sun beginning to rise, casting pastel colors across the sky. He turned his eyes towards his best friends and smiled. Remus was nodding off on one of the couches, Peter was asleep on the other, waiting for breakfast when they were to pull one of their famous pranks and James sat deep in thought. Sirius knew better than to disturb a thinking James, unless he felt like loosing a body part. With breakfast a few hours away, Sirius sat down drowsily in one of the chairs and dozed off with his head resting on the arm of the deep crimson chair.  
  
Dark clouds rolled in as the sky was shattered by the strip of lightning flashing before her eyes. Silence was disturbed by the perpetual sound of thunder, carrying its cries far beyond the world any visible eye can see. Rain pelts her skin, stinging like pinpricks, leaving dots of crimson to merge with rain and slowly trickle to the ground--where the liquid died.   
  
Distanced from love--she lived in loneliness and misery. Her tormented thoughts--her only company, her only friend. How can one feel so alone in a world filled with billions? One person. Singled out by misery to cry an endless sea of crimson. Certainly one cannot live this way. "Oh, but I can," she whispers to herself. Reading her own thoughts and answering them. Staggering along the fine line between insanity and plain emptiness. Pain and loneliness caging her within their claws--sharp and deadly to the gentlest touch. Searing pain rips through her body and every nerve is awakened--but she lays in a peaceful rest in the stars, in the heavens. A nightmare reaching the tip of her fingers, grasping for her sanity which lies just within reach. And the scene changes without interruption, without flaw. The setting was the same but the characters were not. Standing in the young girl's place was a unicorn, angry and deadly.   
  
The unicorn's rage burned in fury, encompassing it's sleek, ink fur in a sphere of fire. There before it stood its worst enemy--the world's worst enemy. Darkness loomed beyond sight and death still haunted the still air but a faint light gleamed in the unicorn's eyes, suppressing the darkness temporarily. The ever creeping darkness threatened the light but only just remaining out of distance. The enemy which lay ahead was feared by all; even the earth shivered beneath his feet. His features were unrecognizable, cloaked by none other than darkness itself. His eyes were all that were visible, red serpentine eyes that could penetrate any soul and steal its warmth. The eyes searched curiously deep within this unicorn's soul, grasping memories from a painful past. The unicorn whinnied in response, it's eyes turning a fierce, deep, crimson, pacing back and forth trying to recapture what had been lost. The figure laughed a high pitched, eerie laugh that was not human, not even immortal. The figure was not human, it was Pravus. Pravus--the spawn of the devil, pure evil. Praesumo, the jet black unicorn was weakened slightly by this darkness but its faith never faltered. The flames burned hard licking at anything that came close. Pravus needed just one more memory, one more memory and Praesumo would be his, a servant to the evil that lay in a world just beneath their feet. They needed Praesumo, the superstition behind the black unicorn. It was believed that whomever saw the black unicorn would die and they were bad luck. Due to this superstition, the unicorns were murdered and were endangered. The number of unicorns threatened the existence and only one survived. One black unicorn survived the massacre, Praesumo. Pravus' eyes gleamed with hatred as they searched the unicorn's soul for more memories but his eyes reached a dead end. Either he extinguished all the unicorn's memories and it somehow survived this onslaught of torture, or the unicorn's conscience built a barricade around the memories, locking them further into Praesumo soul, far beyond Pravus' reach. 'It was only time,' Praesumo thought, 'only time.' Pravus screamed in rage, the unicorn showed no sign of surrender and Pravus had no other way to weaken his foe. He found himself caged inside Praesumo's soul, finally it was Pravus who understood the feeling of anguish. The longer his mind was inside Praesumo's soul, the weaker he became. 'So Praesumo isn't as weak as we thought,' Pravus muttered to himself silently as he dropped to his knees. Pravus was losing to Praesumo, fear danced in his eyes as the unicorn glared at him, its horn gleaming silver reflecting the light from the moon. The moon caught Pravus' attention, for it glared down angrily, staining crimson on Pravus' face. He looked to the sky and he saw Mars burning bright, the planet of war was angry and Pravus had a silent agreement with Mars that night. With one last curse, Pravus screamed, "Mercy! Forgiveness!" As his soul faded from his body, the unicorn fell, becoming weak with the power it held within. The sphere of fire slowly died to a dull roar but still protecting the unicorn from any mortal harm. The unicorn's eyes turned green, slowly tinting the crimson color and then consuming it completely. Praesumo won, light triumphed over evil. The last Midnight Unicorn defeated the world's enemy and conquered. The darkness faded and light resumed it's position.  
  
Lily woke with a start, sweat dripping down her pale face and her sweaty palms were holding her sheets in a death grip. She sat up and leaned her head against the cool wooden headboard, breathing heavily. Her dream still burned into her mind. Lily looked towards the window and saw the sun just above the horizon, it was still early. But Lily knew she wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep again and she got up slowly from her sweat stained bed. She made her way to her morning shower, relaxing and having the dream pushed to the back of her head. When she pulled herself from the shower, Lily noticed her roomates, still sound asleep. Quietly pulling her robes on, Lily dried her hair, grabbed her books for Arithmancy, Transfiguration and Defense Against the Dark Arts and headed towards the comforts of the common room.   
  
When Lily reached the bottom of the stone stairs she was surprised to see that she was not the only one awake. The Marauders had taken over the common room but only one was still awake. Remus and Peter lay asleep on two different couches and Sirius was curled up in a tight ball on one of the chairs. James took the other chair but he was wide awake, staring into the fire. Lily stared at James hard, trying to figure out what he was thinking. She noted that the flames seemed to have devoured James' eyes and were now dancing in his lenses. But it was only a trick of light, she reminded herself. She made herself invisible and used this skill to quietly sneak out of the common room without attracting the attention of James.   
  
Sitting alone at the Gryffindor table, Lily put the finishing touches on a Transfiguration essay she was assigned the previous day. By the time she had finished, a few early risers were making their way into the Great Hall. To Lily's disappointment, the Marauders and half of the Slytherin house were among them. The Marauders sat down a few seats away from Lily and began shovelling food onto their empty plates, Lily turned away in disgust, staring at her own plate. A couple of slices of toast lay on the side of her golden plate, uneaten. Lily still didn't have an appetite and the thought of food made her nauseous.   
  
She could hear the Marauders whispering to each other but her hearing couldn't pick up the words. Minutes passed and the remainder of the Slytherin house along with a few Gryffindors and Ravenclaws straggled into the Great Hall for breakfast. The whispers from the Marauders became fierce and more secretive. Lily watched them carefully, something about the way they acted wasn't right; it was downright suspicious.   
  
James suddenly got up and strutted across the great hall to sit next to a pretty blonde girl at the Ravenclaw table, which happened to lie adjacent to Slytherin's table. The girl, Emma, smiled graciously and began chatting animatedly to James, who didn't seem to pay attention. His attention was drawn towards the Slytherin table, eyeing them wearily before turning back to the girl. Sirius soon followed suit and found his place next to another Ravenclaw, Leana and then Remus joined Sirius. Peter remained at the almost filled Gryffindor table and watched the three Marauders closely before turning towards the Slytherins. He made eye contact with Lucius Malfoy who immediately took out his wand, twirling it in his fingers. Peter glared at him spitefully before meeting the other Marauders eyes. He grinned at their friendliness and nodded, signaling them it was time. Sirius, James, and Remus pulled out their wands and pointed them towards the Slytherin table, muttering an incantation under their breath.   
  
Suddenly, the silence of the morning breakfast was abruptly interrupted by the Slytherins' shrieks. Each one stood up infuriated and their appearanced caused the Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw students to erupt into uncontainable laughter. Every Slytherin students' cloak had transformed into vivid hot pink wedding dresses and they supported violet veils upon their heads. They also began singing Celebration whenever they opened their mouths. Severus Snape looked like he was about to murder someone, his dress was not pink but a hideous, putrid yellow color and his veil was colored to match.  
  
Sirius couldn't control himself any longer. "Hey, Snivellus! You're looking exquisite in that gown!" he screamed. The students' laughter rang throughout the Great Hall and the Slytherins looked like they were about to cry from embarrassment. Professor McGonagall stormed from the Staff table and performed the counter curse on each Slytherin student before turning her anger towards the Marauders. She reprimanded them, taking fifty points from Gryffindor and giving them each a detention. They just grinned and accepted the punishment but Lily was fuming mad! She couldn't believe that the Marauders could be cruel and unjust to their other students. They just shook it off and made their way out of the Great Hall heading to their next class, laughing hysterically. Lily got up from the table, leaving her toast uneaten and stomped to Arithmancy, ignoring all the excited whispers about the newest Marauder prank and glad she didn't share the next class with the unruly group. 


	8. Photograph of a Memory

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, I do not own anything related to Lily, the Marauders, Harry Potter etc.  
  
Much to Lily's dislike, she had forgotten that she did indeed share the next class with a Marauder, but only one. Remus Lupin. She didn't mind sharing Arithmancy with Remus, for he wasn't like the others, he was someone Lily could get along with quite well when needed. Arithmancy went by too fast for Lily and before she knew it, she was in Transfiguration with the full group of Marauders.   
  
She groaned quite loudly when the four of them walked through the Transfiguration room and at the sound of her groan, they turned in her direction. James' eyes lit up and his lips curved into a smile as he made his way to sit next to Lily.   
  
"Good morning Lils!" he said brightly. Lily mumbled her good mornings and brushed off the new nickname without interest.   
  
"Oh Jamesy!" cried a slim Gryffindor, Lily recognized as her roommate Taran, as she sat down in front of the two. "Why are you sitting with her?" she asked, clearly making it seem that Lily was disgusting and had no right sitting next to James.  
  
"Because she's my friend and I can sit next to her," he replied rather coolly. A hurt looking Taran then turned back in her seat to stare at Professor McGonagall who was at the front of the room, preparing the day's lesson.  
  
"Today," Professor McGonagall started once the class had settled down, "We will be turning hedgehogs into pincushions. Now, Ms. Algorian, if you would please pass out the hedgehogs--they're in that cage over on the far left side of the classroom," McGonagall said, addressing one of Lily's other roommates and Taran's best friend, Rhenna.   
  
After Rhenna placed a hedgehog on Lily's desk, she purposely pushed Lily's ink bottle and quill onto the floor. Causing a flood of black ink to seep onto the stone floors of the Transfiguration classroom. Lily glared at Rhenna angrily.  
  
"Oops, I'm sorry, must've been in my way," she said merrily, grinning maliciously at Lily, whose face was now contorted into one of rage and anger.  
  
"You better clean that up right now," Lily spoke between gritted teeth.  
  
"Oh and is little Lily Evans going to make me?" Rhenna replied before walking away, handing out the remaining hedgehogs. Before Lily could move however, James was under the table and pointing his wand at the mess.  
  
"Reparo," he said, as the shattered pieces of the broken ink bottle placed themselves back together and then used another spell to clean up the spilt ink. Lily smiled her appreciation and James returned it. Maybe I'm finally breaking through to her, James thought as Professor McGonagall gave them the incantation to the transfiguration and set them off to work. Maybe he was.  
  
The end of class was drawing near and Lily and the Marauders, minus Peter, were the only ones to accomplish the task at hand. When Professor McGonagall dismissed the class, Lily took her time to put her things away.  
  
"You four," Professor McGonagall said suddenly, pointing to the Marauders, "Remain after class--I would like to speak with you about your detention," she finished sternly. Lily grabbed her books and supplies, gave the boys a rare comforting smile and left the Marauders to the strict hands of Prof. McGonagall. When the students were gone, Professor McGonagall addressed them.  
  
"You will report to my classroom Friday evening at 6 p.m. sharp. Do you understand?" The boys nodded and Remus paled.  
  
"Pro-Prof-Professor?" Remus stuttered.  
  
"Yes, what is it Mr. Lupin?"   
  
"I-I can't make it Friday," he said plainly.  
  
"And why might that be?"  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes, "It's obvious, isn't it?"   
  
"I was not speaking to you, Mr. Black and I will not tolerate being spoken to like that," she said harshly.  
  
"Sorry," Sirius muttered.   
  
"It's the full moon, Professor," Remus answered, "And unless you want a werewolf running around your Transfiguration classroom causing mayhem, I can't make it to your detention," he said.  
  
"Ah, yes I see," she said absentmindedly, "You, Mr. Lupin shall report to me Monday evening then at the same time."  
  
Remus nodded and the Marauders left the room and headed towards the common room.  
  
"You'd obviously think she'd remember it was a full moon and you wouldn't be able to attend our detention," Sirius said thoughtfully after a few moments of silence.  
  
"I know," Remus replied, "I know."  
  
They made their way up to the Fat Lady's portrait and muttered the password `Arigato.' The portrait swung open to reveal the Gryffindor's common room, heavily laden with warmth and students flocking around on their free period. The Marauders found a quiet corner for them all to relax and talk in private, away from the pleading eyes of wanting girls.  
  
Lily sat in the common room, deep in thought and writing her journal. She glanced up for a moment when she heard the portrait open and watched as the Marauders filed in, one by one as they made their way to a quiet corner. Ignoring the stares that fell upon them, they became engrossed in a conversation that no one could hear. Lily shut her eyes and sighed deeply, leaning against a far wall, deep in shadows of the common room. Her eyes, now opened, lingered for just one more moment on the boys before she turned her concentration back to her diary.  
  
`Her cries at night fall on deaf ears while her eyes cry blinding tears. Silence holds solitude to cover its depth and solitude devours a young girl's soul. Tears are bled crimson, bleeding from her own porcelain veins. Falling back against a blood-stained wall, her eyes squeeze shut blinking out the sight. Emotions confine a vulnerable heart, broken and bleeding in the arms of another. Walking barefoot on her heart, shattered pieces, cutting the skin, leaving bloody footsteps, marking her path along the fine line of an emotional breakdown. Insanity plagues her once sane mind and she talks to herself, spitting out emotions onto walls with her pen, writing in crimson messages of feelings laid out for all eyes to see. Leaving herself open to constructive criticism and she holds herself to these words, holding herself to the death. She cries herself to sleep at night, wishing for death sometimes, for the misery consumes her `til she makes herself bleed. Her words slit her wrists. Emotions are our life and death. Her emotions were only her misery and her misery let her die tonight, while she was confined by her solitude, no one stopped her suicide.'  
  
God Lily, you've become a depressed recluse, she thought to herself. She wondered what really did happen to make her become this way. It couldn't have just been the death of her best friend five years ago. But, he was only ten and his depression plagued his mind, fed him with lies and made him think it was the only escape. He was only ten, for God's sake and he thought had no way out. No, there was something else. Something she couldn't put a finger on. Maybe, if I looked back into my diary, maybe I could find something. Lily flipped through the pages of her thin, tattered black book and an old photograph slipped out. Surprised, Lily picked it up and stared intently at it. She let in a slight gasp. It was a picture of her and Petunia when they were younger, before...before Petunia found out about Lily's 'abilities.' Memories flashed back of the way things used to be and the way things are now. It was Petunia--Petunia was the reason Lily was so withdrawn. Petunia was her best friend, they told each other everything and held nothing back until that dreadful day. That damn day Lily had to get her acceptance letter to Hogwarts. Petunia officially declared her a freak and refused to speak to her ever again. Lily was devastated at the loss of her best friend and sister. She thought everyone would be like her--she didn't want to feel that blow again, the blow of losing everything you once held dear. Lily put the picture back in between the pages where they fell out, but not before reading what she had written that day, it was a poem.  
  
A photograph of a memory, almost forgotten. The colors faded and the corners curled, the picture although aged, hasn't changed but the people in the photograph have. The people always change. The smiles are eternally fake and surreal, souls have died and hearts have been broken. Memories are hidden in a latch-box case, the image is now meaningless. Friendships have been lost and found and some have been [forgotten forever] in a fury of whirlwind recollections and secrets. Hopes and dreams have been shattered and gained. Tears have been shed, the laughter has died. My memories will continue to haunt me of all my wasted time. Faces will stare from vivid pictures 9f the life I left behind. Though years have passed by, I remember it just like it was yesterday and if only I could just turn back time and fix all I had done wrong, maybe the picture wouldn't have faded and maybe the smiles would have been real. The friendships would still be there, along with the lingering memories and all the time that has passed me by, all the emotions that have gone astray, the consequences from every single move you made are now forgotten in a photograph of a memory.'  
  
Lily sighed inwardly--she missed her best friend. The Marauders surely couldn't replace what once was lost. Lily wasn't even sure she could trust them. After everything she had gone through to build her walls up, she would not, she refused to let four immature boys ruin her life. Sure, she wasn't invisible anymore. But it wasn't necessarily the best thing for Lily. The girls glared at her menacingly, hating her. They made the rudest comments and tried every way possible to lower her almost non-existent self-esteem. The boys made it know better. They noticed Lily and she didn't like their stares. There were some, however, that were as worse as the girls. Calling her a 'mudblood' or what not. She would have to ask James what that was the next time they talked. No, no, no. You can't find yourself making appearances with James Potter! It isn't you! Lily--stop craving this attention. You loved your solitude, don't lose it now. Lily growled at her inner voice. She had to stop. She had to make a decision. Would she let herself become friends with the Marauders and in return, receive negative attention from others? Or would she build her barrier again and continue living in solitude? These were the questions she forced herself to ask. These were the questions she forced herself to answer. 


	9. Frost Bitten Suicide

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns all characters and setting. I own the plot and the poems/diary entries because..I wrote them.  
  
Everyone falls, everyone bleeds, so why does it seem it only happens to me? Everyone has the same battle scars but mine seem deeper than they really are. An emotional battle that is certain to persist leaves behind razorblade kisses upon my wrists. The scars have faded with time but still throb in anticipation for that sweet kiss.  
  
Faced with a decision that could change her life, Lily sat deep in thought by the common room fire. She was comfortable in one of the large crimson chairs, her thoughts suppressed the sounds of her fellow Gryffindor classmates leaving her in eerie, utter silence. She was so absorbed in her thoughts that she didn't notice Rhenna and Taran staring at her from the far side of the room and plotting. But they weren't the only ones staring at the quiet, withdrawn Lily.  
  
"Do you reckon she's alright?" Remus asked quietly, for the Marauders were observing Lily's behavior carefully. Sirius shrugged in reply and James didn't reply. He, like Lily, was deep in thought. He knew there was something about Lily that was different from the other girls, something he couldn't exactly put a finger on…  
  
"She's just a wretched witch!" Rhenna exclaimed. Taran nodded absentmindedly, not paying attention to Rhenna. She had been going on and on about Lily for the past few days and Taran was down-right tired of hearing about her.  
  
"Can you believe that the Marauders are actually hanging out with…her?! I mean when I first saw her during first year, I knew she was…odd and now that the years have passed, my theory is proven correct. She doesn't have any friends and I doubt anyone notices her, so what do the Marauders find so fascinating about her? She's just a lonely, mudblood," Rhenna continued to rant. Taran sighed, she too was muggle born and took offense to the vicious word.  
  
"Rhenna, she's just trying to be herself, she isn't asking for this attention, you know," Cleo Nocks, their other roommate said. She had overheard the two of them talking about Lily behind her back and felt the need to interrupt. Rhenna stopped mid-sentence and gave Cleo a dirty glare.  
  
"Oh, please, you know she just wants people to notice her. She's putting on a helpless act for those Marauders and they're eating it all up," she sneered.  
  
"It's not fair to her. You are in Gryffindor and you're acting like a Slytherin!" Cleo retorted, "Calling her a mud blood or any other foul name you can think of. If you weren't so dense you'd realize that's what all the Slytherins do and now you're stopping down to their level! If you haven't realized--Taran comes from a muggle family too!" Cleo growled, obviously angered by Rhenna's actions. Rhenna got up and walked away from the conversation.  
  
"Oh, that's mature," Taran said, rolling her eyes. Cleo giggled and the two became involved in a game of Exploding Snap.  
  
"Hey mudblood," Rhenna spat as she approached Lily. Lily snapped out of her trance and glared daggers at Rhenna for disturbing her peace.  
  
"Go away."  
  
"Why should I?" Rhenna smiled, an evil twinkle apparent in her eyes.  
  
"Because I said so, now please leave me alone," Lily turned her back to Rhenna, signaling an end to the conversation. But Rhenna ignored this and continued to taunt Lily.   
  
"Why is it that you have no friends, Evans? Are you that bad of a friend?" Rhenna said, enjoying the pleasure she took in Lily's pain. Lily held back the tears she knew were coming and tried to control her emotions.  
  
"Sod off, Algorian," Lily said, seething with anger, Rhenna was trying her patience.  
  
"What if I don't? This is entertaining," and then added, dropping her voice to a whisper. "I know you cry yourself to sleep over that stupid boy. How pathetic that he killed himself. I'm sure it was all your fault." Lily cracked, she couldn't take Rhenna anymore and she didn't care if she got into trouble.  
  
The Marauders' heads snapped up when they heard a yelp from the other side of the common room. They looked over to see Lily on top of a frightened looking Rhenna. After Rhenna made that comment about her best friend, Lily tackled Rhenna to the ground.  
  
"I swear, if you ever mention him again, I will hurt you so bad you will wish you weren't born," Lily said through gritted teeth. Lily got off of Rhenna and the crowd of staring Gryffindors parted so she could get out through the portrait hole. The Marauders sat with their jaws dropped. Lily had just attacked a student, it didn't seem plausible. They believed Rhenna must have said something to shorten Lily's nerves and they laughed quietly to themselves at the look of anger now plastered on Rhenna's face. They didn't like her much anyways.  
  
Lily made her way up towards the Astronomy Tower, she knew that she would be alone here. Making her way towards the far corner, Lily slid down the wall and put her head in her hands. Rhenna went too far with that comment about Chris and Lily couldn't take it anymore. She was sick and tired of everything, everyone said. She made up her mind, she knew what choice she would make and she knew solitude was her only way out of this mess. If the Marauders confronted her--she would just ignore them. That's exactly what she would do. It made sense, didn't it? She couldn't take the negative attention she was receiving and another incident like the one in the common room would not look good for Lily. She sighed and let her head rest on the cold stone of the tower wall.  
  
"Hey guys," James said suddenly, pointing towards the chair Lily had occupied only moments before, "Lily left her diary." Remus stood up, grabbed the diary and brought it back.  
  
"Don't want anyone to take it," Remus said sheepishly.  
  
"She wouldn't know…" James started but Remus cut him off.  
  
"James Potter don't even think about it! This is Lily we're talking about, do you really think she'd appreciate it if you read her diary?!" James shrugged.  
  
"I was only thinking that maybe if we read…an entry or two we're be able to figure out this girl. I just want to know about her--she intrigues me and makes me sad all at the same time," James replied. Sirius agreed, as did Peter but Remus still had his doubts.   
  
"If she knows we read her diary, we loose all chance and becoming her friends."  
  
"But how is she going to know?" Sirius asked. It was Remus' turn to shrug in response.  
  
"C'mon," James started, "One entry, what harm can it do?" Remus gave up and reluctantly nodded his approval. James grinned and grabbed the diary from Remus' hand, he flipped open her diary to a random excerpt.  
  
"Hmm…it's dated December 24--Christmas Eve!" Sirius said, "Maybe she'll write about Christmas!  
  
"Fat chance," Peter said, "She's just a depressed loner and you all know it." Remus, James, and Sirius turned and stared at Peter with a look of complete shock. Peter blushed and looked at the floor, knowing better than to say anything more he had on his mind.   
  
"That's not very nice," James reprimanded, "I think she's really nice and she just needs someone who understands here." Remus and Sirius nodded simultaneously.   
  
"Sorry," Peter muttered, though he didn't mean it.   
  
James began to read the entry quietly, so only the three other boys could hear.  
  
'December 24  
  
A year. It's been a year. My best friend. We were only ten. We were supposed to be young, carefree, and innocent. We weren't even old enough to think of the opposite sex seriously yet. He didn't think about girls, the topic that seemed to occupy his mind frequently was death. At ten, we were forced to live with the constant threat of death hanging over our heads. I'm not sure what made him think of it. Was life really that bad at ten years old? His life was perfect from what I heard. But maybe his stories were lies, maybe he did have a bad life. What would cause a ten year old to think of death? I saw his scars--proof of his misery and I hope he's happy now, in that better place. Somewhere far away from here. I'm still trying to put the pieces together, there are still pieces missing. Still some of my puzzle pieces missing and they seemed to have disappeared when he took that final breath. I saw his death too. I saw death--it loomed over him, like a black rain cloud following him wherever he went. I saw death in his eyes too and I know how badly he wanted it. But we were ten years old! What would push him so far? I blame myself. I saw all the warning signs and I knew I could have stopped it but I didn't. Why? I'm not quite sure. Perhaps we made a secret agreement because I knew how much he wanted to end it all right there and then. But it kills me and the guilt kills me, eating me from the inside. It builds up and soon it will take over. I lost my best friend a year ago. Four months ago--I lost my other best friend. But not to death. Four months ago, I received a mysterious letter, accepting me to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Me, a witch? It was pretty farfetched but I couldn't help believing it. I thought it would be great. Me…a witch! But, Petunia seemed to think otherwise. When I received my letter, she ran off calling me a freak and she refused to talk to me. She made my summer miserable and I wished and prayed that it was some kind of cruel joke and that I really wasn't a witch and Petty would talk to me again. But it never happened. It was the truth and I lost my other best friend. She makes my life miserable--that's why I'm here on Christmas Eve. I'm spending my Christmas at Hogwarts. There are four Gryffindor first year boys staying along with me. James Potter, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black. But no one talks to me, so I'll spend Christmas alone. It's like, when Petty refused to talk to me she gave me a horrid curse. Everyone ignores me. I'm…invisible. It's not bad once you get used to it. But I'm dying for someone to talk to. This diary is my only consolation and it's hard because I can't get advice or an answer in return. Some way to remember Christmas, some way to spend Christmas. Alone. Depressed. Ignored. Unwanted.'  
  
James finished reading to silence. The Marauders were in sheer shock.   
  
"Wow," Remus said, letting out a heavy breath as if he were holding his breath the entire time James read, not wanting to disturb the mood set by her words. Sirius was speechless and that was something no one could believe. Lily Evans had left Sirius Black utterly speechless. Peter had no expression, but deep inside, he was laughing at Lily's pain. He didn't like her and he didn't trust her. 'What's there to like about her? She's stealing the Marauders' attention away from me!' Peter exclaimed to himself. But was shaken out of his thoughts when the portrait door slammed shut.   
  
Lily walked over to the chair she had sat in and searched for her diary, but ended up in vain. 'If Rhenna finds that, oh Merlin, I'll be in for it,' Lily growled to herself. Her eyes scanned the room quickly and found the thin, black book sitting on a table, the Marauders around it. She quickly made her way over to the table and scooped up her diary, sighing in relief.  
  
"No thank you?" James said jokingly.  
  
Lily glared at him icily, "You didn't read it, did you?" she asked, eyeing each one suspiciously. James and Sirius shook their head. Remus gulped and muttered a quick, 'no.' Peter smiled at her. Lily didn't trust his smile, something was wrong with it. She gave Peter the meanest glare she could muster and he broke underneath it before nodding and pointing to James.  
  
"You read it?!" she shrieked. James and Sirius cowered and tried to slip away but Lily was too fast. She blocked their escape, "I…trusted you and you went behind my back and read my personal thoughts! I can't believe you!" Sirius whimpered under her eyes and James' body went completely cold, which he didn't understand how she affect him like that. The fire was burning heavily in the common room and James was freezing and completely numb. Maybe it was the look she gave him--it would give any of the Marauders chills. Her emerald eyes were completely cold and filled with hatred. James quickly apologized but Lily had none of that. She smacked James and Sirius and turned in haste towards the girls dormitory, her beloved diary in hand. 'Now my mind is definitely made up,' she said to herself.  
  
Pulling herself onto her bed, Lily curled up under the covers and opened her diary, rereading some of her previous entries. Her eyes fell upon the entry the boys had read earlier and she could feel the threatening tears but blinked them back. She had to be strong, for herself and for Chris. In a couple of months it would be the four year anniversary of his death. Lily felt words surge from her mind and pleaded with her to write them down. She grabbed her quill and when the ink touched the paper, everything poured out.   
  
'Frost Bite  
  
Draw a breath, breathe in your silence.  
  
Sew your lips shut and hide your emotions.  
  
An emotional battle that is certain to persist.  
  
Leaves behind razorblade kisses upon your wrist.  
  
Crimson gnaws frost-bitten fingers, holding fast  
  
To the ivory keys that plays a black soul's sorrow  
  
A single note holds strong through the  
  
Deafening silence, shattering solitude.  
  
Though you're still alone, all alone in a void, and  
  
The sadness plagues your once alluring eyes  
  
Vivid green, now dull and as cold as your  
  
Frost-bitten fingers that still attempt to play  
  
Your heart struggles to beat, like a pounding drum  
  
Keeping rhythm throughout this heartbreaking song  
  
The candles are lit to cast shadows throughout the room,  
  
A single flame's light lands upon your scars, display them  
  
Like trophies to the world. Proof of your misery,  
  
It's what they've asked for, looking past the lyrics  
  
Blind to the emotion hidden within sewn lips.  
  
Your eyes sing your song, for you are mute  
  
Afraid of silence, your fingers land heavily  
  
Upon the ivory keys this night, playing fiercely  
  
As if it were your last. Hold fast to the dying note  
  
Don't let the silence consume you once more  
  
Wrists bleed one last night from these accidental  
  
Razorblade drawings and ivory is stained crimson  
  
The candle slowly flickers, dying like your own light  
  
That once lit up your eyes, but it's vanishing fast  
  
And your eyes no longer convey every emotion  
  
Staring into them is like gazing into a void,  
  
The void you pushed yourself to become.  
  
The notes are fading into silence, and  
  
Fingers lay limp upon the blood-stained keys  
  
Your candle burns out, letting darkness consume what's left;  
  
The song has died, along with the misery that haunted this starving artist  
  
Hungry for attention and affection but afraid of the consequences.  
  
You died tonight and no one cared; no one understood the meaning  
  
Behind everything you wrote; hidden messages transmitting sorrow  
  
Through the sadness played upon the ivory keys,  
  
With those frost-bitten fingers.'  
  
Lily knew how much Chris loved to play the piano. How much he enjoyed taking his frustrations into writing, like Lily did, but then put them into songs. He sang so heavenly that no one left a room when he played with dry eyes. His parents praised him on his incredible writing skills and singing talent and he'd just smile and agree. They didn't see the melancholy in his pleading eyes. They didn't understand the hidden messages in his lyrics, death lurking around every dark corner. Every word, about to split with his blood. Lily knew. Lily saw it and maybe she should have pointed it out. But it was too late and she no longer had a best friend, she no longer had someone who understood here. Maybe fate was against her, maybe she was destined to be alone. 


	10. Alone in Silence

James was collapsed in a nearby chair, biting his bottom lip. He felt an intense weight in the pit of his stomach and he knew what he had done was uncalled for. He was just curious but that was enough to ruin the newfound friendship. James still felt incredibly cold and he began shivering. It was that look Lily gave him, that look sent chills throughout his body. Without Lily's warming presence, James felt alone. 'Now I know how Lily feels to be alone.'  
  
Sirius sighed and looked at James, worried. James' eyes were unfocused and he was absently running his fingers through his hair. He was biting his bottom lip hard, as he did when he was thinking. He was taking this the hardest. Earning Lily's trust was hard, but loosing it was just so simple. 'I'll never understand girls.'  
  
Remus rubbed his eyes and yawned. They had been sitting in the common room for a good ten minutes after Lily's abrupt departure. Sitting in silence. No one spoke, no one dared even breathe loudly. He knew each one of them felt guilty--their guilt was a burden already. The common room was empty except for the Marauders and Remus was glad for the absence of the other Gryffindors. He wasn't in the mood for questioning, especially from Sirius and James' fan club who would probably be worried if they saw the boys now. Remus rested his head on the arm of a couch and closed his eyes, sleep slowly consuming him. 'I'll never forgive myself.'  
  
Peter was already snoring. The thought of Lily being angry with the Marauders played happily in his mind like a movie scene. Even if Lily didn't give him the glare that he broke under--he would have eagerly told her that it was James who read the diary. Peter knew they couldn't blame him for what had happened. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't take Lily's merciless glare. His plan worked perfectly. Lily hated the Marauders and now he wasn't left out of the cold anymore. Always pushed aside in conversations where the topic was mainly about Lily. Lily this, Lily that, constantly questioning her well being, following her around. Peter was sick of it. 'I'm so proud of myself.'  
  
Lily could hardly control her anger. She felt the blood beneath her skin boil and thought for a moment that she might have been on fire. She trusted them and they abused that trust. She couldn't believe that. She was glad she decided to choose to keep her solitude and that recent incident with the Marauders kept her decision firm in her mind. She could hear the heavy breathing from the girls in her dorm and wondered why she wasn't sleeping. Her body felt drained, emotionally but perhaps not physically yet. She wasn't tired. Another case of insomnia.  
  
Her diary lay on her bed, open to the newest poem she had written for Chris. Writing. That was her release. She would not resort to suicide as Chris did. Although, he too did write, his emotions could not and would not betray him. They stayed deep within his heart while he cried meaningless tears. The sorrow was there in his words but Lily poured much more than that into her writing. Lily poured her soul into her writing. She wrote nearly every hour--her diary more than three-fourths filled with poetry and entries that exposed everything. She sighed and silently cursed herself for leaving the diary in the common room. She could only imagine what the Marauders thought of her now. She bit her tongue and played with the quill that was present in her hand, tapping it against the pages. Thoughts were rushing through her mind and she needed to write, to get rid of everything so her mind was as empty as her heart.  
  
'Her cries ring out in my dreams, echoes of solitude piercing silence. She is alone, too caught up with her depression to see that she has let the world slip away. She's far too sad to be alone in misery, contemplating life. Yet none dare go near this magnificent creature, whose poetry stuns those who read. She's too sad for them, afraid of becoming devoured by her sorrow. But just by reading the words this creature produces, it's already pulling you into her grasps. Her words are so powerful and moving that it could leave one in tears. But no one notices that quiet girl, alone in a corner crying miserably. No one notices the scars or the emotions she pours into her poetry. No one ever notices. Could it be she's invisible to none who care? Her eyes blink back the threatening tears as misery consumes her dying, broken soul. Her hollow voice destroys the silence of everlasting heartache. Slit veins with the shattered pieces of her heart. Her words are meaningless to you. Her emotions are feelings to toy with. I pity you, who take pleasure in her pain Don't you know what it feels like? Forever falling, forever dying. She is alone. Will she ever be noticed? Will she ever be free? Never If we pretend that girl is me.'  
  
There. The thoughts had made a silent truce with Lily and allowed themselves to be bind to the paper, eternally. There was no possibility for the thoughts to ever be erased and Lily knew that. Thoughts merged with paper as emotions merged with ink. Tears, Lily's tears were like her ink. She cried but not often. Her crying was her writing and Lily thought if that was true than she cried an awful lot. It seemed her life was always read between the lines.  
  
James looked around the empty common room and saw his three best friends fast asleep. He sighed and wished he could sleep too. Not knowing there was another who wished the same. Insomnia came often to him these days and he always found himself sitting in the common room by a dying fire, waiting for the sun to arise from its slumber. The Marauders did not notice his unusual behavior and he hid it well from everyone else.   
  
He was slightly angered at Lily's actions and wondered why she didn't let him explain. He only read it so he could help--he wanted to know more about her. This was the girl that intrigued him, the girl that was so different from anyone else that it mystified him and he wanted to know why. He never felt this way around girls before and they flocked all over him. He was only fourteen and yet he had been dating since he was twelve and had more girlfriends than half the guys in the school. James sighed and knew Lily probably only thought of him as someone who used girls. 'She must have noticed how different I was around her. I was caring and I was concerned. She saw that. What does she have against me?' James was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice Remus stirring from his sleep.  
  
"James?" Remus whispered, "You okay?" James nodded and looked at Remus. Remus was shocked to see James seemed extremely troubled.  
  
"Your a terrible liar. Remember before Lily said, 'your emotions betray you.'" James looked sad at Remus' mention of Lily. Remus noticed and apologized and James shrugged nonchalantly.  
  
"James, you know we all are feeling guilty about this. It's our own fault. We betrayed Lily by reading her diary--that's the only place she can confide in and you took that confidence away from her. I feel bad enough by allowing you to read it but I did and it's my fault as much as any of us."  
  
"Peter doesn't feel guilty--he gave us away. He smiled at her when she asked!" James said bitterly.  
  
"I know...I saw," Remus said a bit apprehensively, "He's..changed. Peter...I don't know. Maybe he just was feeling left out. We have been talking about Lily a lot lately. We should really pay attention to each other more." James nodded. Remus always knew the right things to say. The two sat in silence for a while and didn't hear the portrait hole opening and quietly closing.  
  
The morning dawned like all the others and Sirius and Peter were awaken by the rays of light streaming in through the windows. James and Remus had been up most of the night talking about everything; Lily, what they would do when they finally could turn into Animagis, past pranks, and girlfriends.  
  
"Mornin'," Sirius said as he tried to stifle a yawn.  
  
"Mornin' Sirius, sleep well?" Remus asked, grinning slightly. Sirius had been asleep in a chair and was muttering in his sleep about his newest girlfriend, Ashlynn.  
  
"Why?" Sirius questioned suspiciously.  
  
"Oh, Ashlynn! Ashlynn! Let's snog! Please?" James said, mocking Sirius. Sirius turned a bright shade of red.  
  
"I..did I..?" he asked meekly. Remus and James roared with laughter. Peter smiled. Things were back to the way they were.   
  
"God, you guys could wake a sleeping hippogriff with that laughter of yours," Ashlynn said, appearing from the girls' dormitory. Ashlynn was the fifth Gryffindor fourth year, sharing a dorm with Lily and the others. But she didn't enjoy tormenting Lily and kept mostly to herself and the Marauders. She felt bad for Lily but didn't decide to press the matter and make it worse for herself and Lily.  
  
"Good morning, sunshine!" Sirius said greeting her warmly. James and Remus snickered.  
  
"C'mon let's go to breakfast," Peter suggested hopefully, he was starving.   
  
"Great! I'm hungry!" Sirius said, rubbing his stomach, which in turn growled in hunger.  
  
James rolled his eyes, "You're always sleeping. You guys go ahead...I'll be done in a little bit," he said. Remus gave him a strange look and stayed behind a minute after Sirius, Ashlynn, and Peter went out the portrait hole.  
  
"What's wrong James?"  
  
"Nothing--I just...I want to apologize to Lily. I'd rather do it here than in front of the entire Gryffindor tower." Remus nodded in understanding and soon left. James sat down in front of the fire, it was crackling loudly and covered James in warmth. He sighed in content and waited for Lily to come down from the girls' dorm.   
  
Minutes passed and many of the Gryffindors were up and heading towards the Great Hall for breakfast. After it seemed like everyone else was gone--Rhenna, Taren, and Cleo came down the stairs from the fourth year dorm. They weren't followed by Lily. Rhenna gave James a cold glare and marched straight through the common room without speaking to him, he looked confused but didn't hang on it.   
  
"Lily's not in bed," Cleo said, "I don't know where she is. She wasn't there when we woke up this morning."   
  
"Thanks, Cleo," James said before he got up and left the common room. He headed towards the Great Hall in search of Lily. 


	11. A Stone Emotion

But to James' dismay, Lily was not in Great Hall. However, his fan club was there and they were anxiously waiting his arrival at the Gryffindor table. James groaned as they waved him over and began chatting animatedly with him when he sat down next to Remus.  
  
"Jamesy, are you paying attention?" Rhenna asked.   
  
"Yeah…sure thing Rhenna," James said, staring blankly at the empty plate in front of him.  
  
"Hey mate, you going to eat anything?" Sirius asked while he was still piling some food onto his own plate. James groaned again and laid his head down on the table.  
  
"You alright, James?" Remus asked worriedly.   
  
"Tired," came his muffled response. Remus dropped his voice to a whisper so only James could hear and asked him how things went with Lily.   
  
"Didn't. She wasn't in her dorm. Cleo told me they hadn't seen her all morning."   
  
"Don't worry about it, you'll see her in Herbology. We have it first thing anyways," Remus said, trying to console James. He nodded in response and closed his eyes sleepily.  
  
"What's wrong with James?" Sirius questioned. James sat up again, yawned and rubbed his eyes, knocking his glasses askew in the process. He looked around the Great Hall in a daze before putting his glasses back on.  
  
"C'mon guys, let's head to Herbology. Lily'll probably be there," Remus said quickly. Peter's face dropped into a frown but quickly hid it when James glanced at him. Walking to Herbology the conversation was on everything but Lily. Rick Tuner appeared in front of them suddenly and reminded James and Sirius of Quidditch practice that evening. James' tired face soon lit up at the sound of Quidditch and Sirius grinned widely.   
  
"You going to come to practice?" he asked Peter, he already knew that Remus couldn't because of his lycanthropy.   
  
"Wouldn't miss it for the world!" Peter squeaked. The excitement of Quidditch soon faded when the Marauders realized that Lily was not in Greenhouse Three with some of the early rising Gryffindors. Soon the rest of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff straggled into the class and Lily still wasn't in sight.  
  
Late at night, Lily had returned to her corner in the Astronomy Tower, bringing her diary with her this time. She was constantly writing and didn't notice the light of the dawn. There were dark circles under her tired eyes but she couldn't stop writing. The only thing on her mind was Chris and she knew she couldn't cry. She felt hatred towards the Marauders, for bringing the memories back. She had tried to hide them deep within her mind, thinking of school and other things to keep her thoughts of his death. But now, with the appearance of the Marauders, she had to relive the dreadful memories and every night she wanted to cry herself to sleep. She had to be strong for him, though, she refused to break under the misery. The fact that Petunia still refused to talk to her and the hatred of half the girls in the school did not make the situation any better.  
  
Lily gasped when she looked up from her diary. The sun was now shining brightly in the Tower and Lily realized she was probably late for her first class, Herbology. Running down from the Tower and rushing out of the castle, Lily made her way quickly to the greenhouse that her class occupied. She walked in and was met with a disapproving glare from Professor Humus. Lily apologized and sat down in the only vacant seat which happened to be next to James. She reviewed her surroundings and saw Remus sitting with Peter and Sirius with Ash Lynn. She seemed quite surprised to see that the seat next to James was empty considering all the girls wanted to sit next to him.   
  
"I saved the seat, just for you," James whispered as the Professor continued with her lesson. Lily blushed but didn't return a comment. She had to remember that she wanted nothing to do with them.   
  
"Where were you?" James seemed persistent on talking to her but Lily ignored him. "Lily, c'mon, talk to me…I'm really sorry about last night. I just--"  
  
"Mr. Potter if you would please, I am trying to teach a lesson! Miss. Evans I would expect more courtesy from you. Detention for both of you!" Professor Humble exclaimed, frustrated from being interrupted. Lily glared at James for getting her in trouble and James buried his head in his hands. He just ruined his chances again.   
  
When the class was over, Lily made her way up to the castle and ignored all pleas from James to listen to him.   
  
"Lily, I'm sorry. Please forgive me!" he pleaded. This continued until they reached the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Lily sat in the front seat, while Remus pulled James into the back of the classroom.   
  
"James, you got a detention tonight already with Professor McGonagall! What are you going to do?"  
  
"I don't know. I'll talk to Professor Humus."  
  
Defense Against the Dark Arts went without incident, as did the remainder of the day. During break, James had talked to Professor Humus and she changed Lily and James detention to Monday night, the same night Remus had detention with McGonagall. At dinner, James was unusually subdued and kept sneaking glances at Lily. She sat writing in her diary, not even bothering to eat.  
  
"I haven't seen her eat anything in days," James commented idly.  
  
  
  
"Just leave her alone for a while James. Let her cool off, she'll loosen up in a bit, don't worry," Remus said reassuringly. James continued with his meal and when he finished, Sirius and Peter dragged him towards the common room while Remus made his way to Madame Pomphrey.   
  
It was exceptionally loud at this time of night and a lot of the older students reprimanded the younger ones for disturbing the quiet. It was still near the beginning of the term and the teachers left no time to pile on the homework. The Marauders pulled out the only homework they had; a transfiguration essay for McGonagall and worked on it until it was time for Quidditch practice. James and Sirius grabbed their brooms and headed towards the Quidditch Pitch with Peter following behind them. Practice went smoothly and it seemed James and Sirius had not lost any skills over the summer holiday.  
  
"Great practice, guys!" Rick called out after practice had finished, "I'll see you guys Sunday night for another practice!" The Marauders walked back into the castle together and to the Gryffindor common room. James and Sirius put their brooms away and joined Peter, finishing up their transfiguration essay. In no time at all, it was quarter of eight and it was time for their detention. James stood up and stretched, noticing Lily sitting alone in a corner, working on the same essay. James began walking towards her, but was pulled towards the portrait hole by Sirius. Professor McGonagall had them go to the Mr. Lyon, the caretaker for their punishment. He had the Marauders scrubbing every trophy in the trophy room until he could see his own reflection in them.   
  
Walking back to the common room two hours later, tired and sore, the Marauders complained loudly about the treatment they had received.   
  
"My hands are wrinkled from that water! Why couldn't we have used magic?" Sirius grumbled. James grinned and reminded him that it was their punishment for the prank they pulled. "Ah, yes that was a great prank," he said smiling fondly at the memory.  
  
"Mimblewimble," James mumbled to the portrait of the Fat Lady, she welcomed them back and the boys collapsed in the closest chairsJames glanced over to where Lily had been before their detention and noticed she was still there, finished with her essay and scribbling her diary another poem.   
  
'Cloaked heavily in darkness, eyes avoid the blinding light. It was painful, the light burned his irises. He lived for the darkness, he was consumed by the darkness. It was his life, his whole, it was him. He was a no one. Isolated by his shadows, his solitude brought comfort. But his eyes gave him away that night. His eyes--pools of cold gray that blocked any from permeating his soul. But they softened that night and they could let you drown. They were oceans but calm blue waves were not produced, only rough gray. My eyes fixated with a soul, his soul. Hard to believe he had one. But it was there, revealing his emotions to their depth. Pain. Anguish. Sorrow. Forgiveness. Mercy. Worry. Love. Passion. Hunger. It was all there inside of him, but he couldn't see it all of it The darkness blinded him, made him see only the corrupt and never the innocence. His purity was lost in the shadows, somewhere left never to be found. His malevolence was found in the light, somewhere left never to be lost. And somewhere in the middle, he lost himself. Caught between sin and redemption, his life was torn before his eyes. His eyes, lacking the usual fight, were weary and tired. They too were consumed by the growing darkness and he was losing faith in the light. The light that blinded him, the light that hurt his eyes, distorting his vision to see the good in life. He hated the light, the darkness was his life. He was darkness. And his gray eyes, they bore into me and I could feel them searching me, searching my soul, looking for something worth living for. He gave up looking and he gave up living. He let the darkness destroy every part of him. Cloaked in darkness, a soul gave in to the light. Torn between light and shadows--he died that night, the night his emotions betrayed him. They are our life and death, he chose death.'  
  
Lily sighed and put her quill down, marking her place in the diary before shutting it. She looked up from her position on the floor in the shadows of the Gryffindor common room and noticed it was less occupied than before. It seemed only a few six years and three of the four Marauders were still up and lounging before the fire. Her eyes rested on James. He was laying down on one of the couches with his eyes staring at the ceiling. His face was creased with worry and anxiety. Lily's mind began to wander and she began to think about why she really didn't want to be friends with James. It wasn't just because she wasn't used to the attention or the fact he read her diary. Of course it angered her and she lost her trust in him, but the true reason she didn't want to be friends with James was because--Slam! Sirius had slammed down his Potions book and pulled Lily deep from her thoughts.   
  
"I don't understand any of this!" Lily heard Sirius grumbled. She assumed he was probably attempting to study for the quiz they had on Monday.  
  
"Just study it this weekend," Peter said, looking up from his own Potions book. Sirius agreed and pulled himself up into a ball on the couch, resting his head on his knees, he glanced casually over at James.  
  
"What're you thinking about?" he asked casually. James sat up and looked over to see if Lily was still there, she was.   
  
"Nothing," he said quickly, too quickly for Sirius' liking but before he could question further, James got up and said something about having to get to bed.  
  
"What was that about?" Sirius asked aloud, more to himself than to anyone. Peter shrugged, he could care less at the moment, he was too busy with his homework. Lily wondered too but she wasn't planning on finding out. 


	12. Take Care

Lily sat in the Great Hall the next morning and ate her toast. Solid food did not go well with her stomach, but Lily knew she had to eat something. She glanced up from her plate when she heard the Marauders enter, anyone could have heard them enter. They were talking loudly amongst themselves, well, mainly it was Sirius and James arguing over something. Peter stood at a distance and watched them with a mix of emotions; confusion, fright, and amusement. Remus was staring at the ground, not meeting eyes with anyone and ignoring the feud between his friends. Lily noted that he looked tired and disheveled and wondered where he had gone last night.  
  
"Just leave her alone, James! You know perfectly well that she probably hates your guts, now!" Sirius practically yelled while shoveling food onto his empty plate. James growled.  
  
"I don't know what to do!" James said, resting his head in his hands as if he were giving up. 'Funny, I have a feeling that they're talking about me,' Lily thought. They were. Being invisible to people had their advantages for the boys continued to talk and not notice that Lily was there, listening to every word. But her anger still boiled in her skin and she couldn't stand it anymore. She grabbed her piece of toast and stormed out of the Great Hall. The boys looked up from their argument when they say a fiery, red head rush past them, her cloaks billowing behind her. James sighed in frustration.  
  
"I think she heard you, mates," Peter said, grinning. James pounded his fist into the table, spilling his pumpkin juice in the process.  
  
"James," Sirius started, "If I knew any better, I'd think you fancy Ms. Evans. I mean, the way you're so caught up and…worried about her feelings," he ended, smirking. James frowned. 'Do I fancy Lily? I can't--I barely know her.' James was having an inner battle and Sirius knew that he shouldn't press the matter anymore than he had.  
  
"Remus, you're awfully quiet today, you alright mate?" Sirius asked, changing the subject. Remus nodded and smiled weakly.  
  
"Just a bit tired, that's all," he added to his response.  
  
"Don't worry, Remus, we'll be with you next year, I promise," James said thoughtfully. Peter was biting his lip and Sirius was grinning and nodding.  
  
"You guys are my best friends--I don't know what I'd do without you. Marauders forever," Remus whispered before eating his breakfast. He felt uneasy about the comment he made but he did not understand why. He didn't know what the future held in store for the faithful Marauders, never knowing that the Marauders would not be forever and two would fall and one would betray--never to stand together again. The Marauders would fall. However, the carefree boys had nothing to worry about now and even though Remus still had that darkened feeling looming above him, he dismissed it and laughed at the boys account of their detention.  
  
Lily went to the Gryffindor common room and straight towards the girls' dorm. She knew only one girl was still up there, Ash Lynn, but she didn't mind her as much as Rhenna and the other girls. Lily sighed as she shut the door behind her. Rubbing her eyes of sleep, she looked at the familiar dorm. The dorm she had known for three years. It was, as Professor McGonagall said in their first year, their home. Of course, Lily wasn't invisible at home but she was tormented. Tormented by the students, by her sister…by her own demons. She was too caught up in reminiscing that she didn't notice Ash Lynn walking out of the bathroom, towel in hand.   
  
"You alright, Lily?" Ash Lynn asked. Lily jumped in shock and she could feel her heartbeat pounding fast against her ribcage. She merely nodded and made her way to her bed, before collapsing. She had been up late last night and was physically and emotionally exhausted.  
  
"I'm not as bad as everyone else is, you know," Ash Lynn said quietly, brushing her hair. 'I know' came the muffled reply. Ash Lynn smiled and sat down on Lily's bed beside her. "Did you eat yet?" she questioned. Lily nodded. 'This is more than what most people get from her,' Ash Lynn thought. Maybe she was actually getting through to Lily, more than James ever could. Maybe her ice was slowly melting. Perhaps it was melting and her fiery side was just waiting to be exposed.  
  
"Lily, you have to give people a chance. I know that it seems so hard to trust people but you've got to learn from your mistakes. Not everyone's out to eat you alive, just…relax and enjoy life. It's going to get better, I promise," Ash Lynn said, giving Lily's shoulder a reassuring squeeze before walking out of the dorm, heading to get breakfast.  
  
"Morning!" Sirius called cheerfully to Ash Lynn as she made her way next to him. She smiled politely at him and grabbed a piece of toast.  
  
"Did you see Lily, by any chance?" James questioned.   
  
"I did. She seemed pretty upset and tired but I think I've gotten her to calm down a bit, she's probably taking a nap, I didn't hear her go to bed last night," Ash Lynn replied, "You look like you haven't slept either Remus." Remus ignored the comment and refused to make eye contact with her. "Are you alright?" she asked him suspiciously. Remus nodded. Ash Lynn shrugged and continued eating her toast.  
  
The weekend passed and Ash Lynn took the time to get to know Lily a little more. Lily seemed apprehensive at first but soon got used to Ash Lynn. Lily enjoyed talking to Ash Lynn more than the Marauders, Ash Lynn was a female and understood Lily a bit more than the boys. Ash Lynn began her long and tiring quest to bring Lily out of her cage.  
  
"Hey Lily, did you finish that horrid Potions essay?" Ash Lynn asked, biting on the tip of her quill while trying to think. Lily nodded.  
  
"But you can't read it," she said, "No copying." Ash Lynn sighed and went back to working. Lily glanced at Ash Lynn and smiled. She was surprised at how easily she got along with Ash Lynn and wondered why she never befriended her before. It was a mystery to the both of them. It was seemed so easy to talk freely with Ash Lynn. Lily didn't have to hide behind her wall, afraid of getting her heart and trust broken. She felt different around her, more open than she could with the Marauders, than with James. But there was a real reason why she couldn't be so open with James. He just--  
  
"Damn it, Lily. How did you finish this revolting essay? I swear, Professor Kirkcaldy is an evil toad!"  
  
Lily smirked and threw the parchment at Ash Lynn's face, "Here, I have to go to detention with Potter. Don't copy it word for word," she said.   
  
Ash Lynn beamed, "Thanks Lils, have fun with James!" Lily groaned and got up from the chair she had been comfortably sitting in for the past hour.   
  
"See you later, I guess."  
  
Lily met Professor Humus by the Transfiguration classroom where Remus stood with Professor McGonagall.   
  
"We're just waiting for Mr. Potter," Professor Humus told McGonagall.  
  
"I swear, that boy and his friends," she said glaring at Remus, "Get more detentions than any student I have ever met." Remus grinned guiltily. James came running down the hall, panting to catch his breath.  
  
"Sorry, I'm late…had…to finish some Potions," he gasped. The professors gave him a threatening glance and brought the trio to a girls lavatory on the third floor.  
  
Professor McGonagall sighed, "Moaning Myrtle has been upset again. We need you three to clean up the mess she made." James looked aghast and Lily laughed at his expression. James shot her icy glare and Lily stopped laughing with much difficulty.  
  
"Here you go," Professor Humus said merrily, handing the group a couple of buckets and mops, before leaving with Professor McGonagall.  
  
"This is great," James muttered.  
  
"Well, it is your fault that we're here!" Lily retorted.  
  
"MY fault? MY fault?! If you hadn't been late, I wouldn't have been talking to you!"  
  
"Since when did you care about when I got to class on time, or not?" Lily practically screamed at him. James was about to make a comment but Remus intervened.  
  
"Do you want to be here all night? Stop bickering and let's clean up. I don't want to be here anymore than you do." Lily nodded glumly and grabbed the nearest mop to clean up the drenched floor.  
  
"I wondered what upset Myrtle now…" Remus asked.  
  
"Everything upsets Myrtle," James said grinning.   
  
"How dare you talk about me behind my back!" Myrtle cried as she flew through the door of one of the cubicles. James gulped.  
  
"He didn't mean to offend you or anything, Myrtle," Lily said quickly.  
  
"Of course he didn't. No one ever does," she sobbed. She floated through James body and he dropped his mop in surprise. His insides felt as if they had been frozen and his skin was like being drenched in a bucket of ice water. He shivered, he only felt this cold that night when Lily found out he had read her diary. He didn't enjoy feeling like this.  
  
When the entire bathroom had been mopped up and cleaned of water, the trio trudged back to the Gryffindor common room, tired and miserable. Lily stopped half way and yawned sleepily.  
  
"I'm so tired," she mumbled, her eyes half shut and tripping over her feet. "Umf..," she said, landing on her butt. James laughed and Remus sighed, grabbing Lily by the waist and pulling her up.  
  
"C'mon Lils, we're almost there," he said. Lily rested her head on Remus' shoulder, his hand still on her waist. James glanced at them, cocking his head to the side. 'Well this was an interesting sight.'  
  
Reaching the common room, and sleepily muttering the password, Remus dragged Lily in, followed by James tagging at their heels. Ash Lynn was waiting for them and stiffled a giggle at the sight of Lily.  
  
"Give her to me," she said smiling. Remus handed Lily to Ash Lynn and watched as she dragged Lily up the stairs to the girls dorm, tucking her into her own bed. 


	13. Pay Back

Lily woke the next morning and had to recollection of ever coming up to bed. The last thing she remembered was falling, a pair of strong arms holding her, and a soft, gentle voice talking to her. But she couldn't remember the exact words, it was all just incoherent mumbles. She yawned and rubbed her tired, green eyes and smiled when she saw Ash Lynn stirring.   
  
The Marauders sat in the common room by the fire. Sirius was waiting for Ash Lynn to wake up and the other three did not want to go down to breakfast without him. James and Remus could not stop yawning, they too, were extremely exhausted after a night of cleaning a girls' lavatory.  
  
"So what exactly did Humus and McGonagall have you do?" Peter asked, he was asleep when James and Remus returned.  
  
James rolled his eyes, "They made us eat slugs and write lines," he said, his voice laced with sarcasm.   
  
Peter obviously didn't sense the cynicism, "Really?" he gasped in disbelief. Sirius roared with laughter but was cut short by a scream from the girl's dormitory.  
  
"What was that?" Remus asked. The boys shrugged but they didn't have to wait long because a few seconds later, Lily and Ash Lynn came bolting down the stairs and through the portrait hole without saying a word to the boys. Staring back at the stairs that led to the girls' dormitories, they saw three girls walking down. Well, only two were actual girls. James fell to the floor, laughing hysterically. Cleo and Taran came down the stairs carrying Rhenna who seemed to have sprouted flippers for arms and a beak. Remus had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from laughing. Sirius was on the floor with James and Peter was against a wall, crying from amusement.  
  
"Turn her back, now!" Taran said angrily to the Marauders.  
  
"We…we…don't know…how," James said between laugh and gasped breath. Rhenna squawked and her two friends carried her through the portrait hole and down to the Great Hall, in search of a teacher. Entering the Great Hall, Ash Lynn snorted into her pumpkin juice and Lily held her bright red face behind a book. The rest of the school watched on in amusement as two girls carrying a girl with flippers and a beak made their way to the teacher's table. Lily glanced up and saw that Dumbledore was fighting the urge to laugh out loud. His eyes twinkled in enjoyment and Professor McGonagall looked furious.  
  
"Did those pesky Marauders do this to you?" she almost screamed. Taran and Cleo shook their heads.  
  
"No, professor, they did not."  
  
Professor McGonagall appeared shocked and looked up when she heard the Marauders walking in, laughing hysterically.  
  
"Are you positive?" she asked. The girls nodded.  
  
"It was Ash Lynn Terell and Lily Evans!" Taran exclaimed.  
  
"Impossible," McGonagall muttered. She glanced over at the two girls and saw they were deeply conversing, not a trace of hilarity in their eyes.  
  
"They do not like the sort to pull this kind of prank," Professor Dumbledore intervened, "But why not ask them?"  
  
Professor McGonagall made her way towards the Gryffindor table, the three girls behind her, looking very peeved.  
  
"Ms. Evans, Ms. Terell. Can you explain this?" she said, waving her hand towards their roommates.  
  
"No professor, we came down to breakfast before they woke up," Lily said innocently, "Before, we were down in the common room talking with the Marauders about our Potions essay. I'm not sure how this could have happened, maybe one of their wands backfired or something?" she suggested.  
  
"Yes, yes. Very well," she said before transfiguring Rhenna back. "Now please eat your breakfast in silence and do not blame those who are innocent for crimes they did not commit," she said, her friendly tone a bit more angrier. The girls glared daggers at Ash Lynn and Lily and sat down at the far end of the table.  
  
"That was bloody brilliant," Sirius exclaimed. Ash Lynn and Lily smiled.  
  
"We had to get her back for giving Lily crap the other night, Lily came up with this brilliant idea. Good thing I'm so skilled at Transfiguration," she said winking at Lily. Lily laughed and James smiled. She was finally happy, even though the Marauders could not bring her out of her shell, he was glad someone else could.   
  
Everyone's mood seemed to be lightened up by the prank Lily and Ash Lynn had pulled earlier that morning, everyone's mood except for three young Gryffindor girls. Sitting in Defense Against the Dark Arts, Rhenna sat in the back of the room, thinking of ways to get back at Lily and Ash Lynn. She didn't want to get back at them just because of this morning but also for the night Lily had jumped on her. She had been left utterly embarrassed and half the Gryffindors talked about it for hours. Rhenna flushed slightly at the thought and then bit the tip of her quill in anger. After class, Rhenna met with Taran and Cleo and discussed her plan to get a certain Lily Evans back. Cleo seemed apprehensive about the entire idea and refused to join in.   
  
"Why not?" Rhenna exclaimed, "Don't you want to get her back for this morning and the other night?"  
  
"No! She did those things to you, not me. I have no reason to do any of this to her, it's down-right mean. I am not going to put a girl through torture and misery just because of something she did to you. You're friendship with me is not worth this," Cleo spat, as she walked back to the Gryffindor Tower.  
  
"Just don't tell her!" Taran screamed after her. Cleo sighed, was Rhenna's hatred for Lily so intense she was willing to put Lily through such despair? Cleo fought with herself, was she to tell Lily or not? She didn't even know if the plan would work out, they would have to find it first.  
  
At dinner, Cleo sat next to some fifth year girls and cautiously eyes Taran and Rhenna. Taran sat next Lily and Rhenna on the other side, Ash Lynn was upstairs finishing up a Charms essay and the Marauders were wandering aimlessly around the castle.  
  
"So Lily," Taran began, "About this morning, I don't blame you for it. I'm sorry for ratting on you," she said. Rhenna slipped into Lily's bag and pulled out the one thing they needed for getting back at Lily.  
  
Lily looked doubtfully at Taran and then quickly turned back towards Rhenna, who in turn, smiled falsely. Lily rolled her eyes, the smile she practiced to be perfect wasn't really perfect at all. The way she walked, talked and lived was polished to impress, but I'm not impressed at all, Lily thought.  
  
After dinner, Taran and Rhenna ran to the library for a few moments of privacy. Searching for what they were looking for, they tried desperately to find it. They finally succeed, Rhenna smiled wickedly as she and Taran made their way back to the common room.  
  
Lily and Ash Lynn played a game of Wizard's Chess when Ash had finished the essay. The Marauders, back from their escapades watched on, none of them glanced up when the portrait hole opened. Rhenna stood in the center of the common room and cleared her throat to get the attention of everyone present. The Marauders, Lily, and Ash Lynn looked up to see Rhenna, her eyes twinkling with iniquity. She wasn't going to prank Lily, she wasn't going to make fun of her, she wanted to make her life absolutely horrible. She wanted everyone to know about Lily's personal life and there was only one way that was possible.  
  
It seemed as if the entire common room had fallen silent, the crackling of the fire seemed to be muted by some invisible force. Lily gasped slightly when she saw what Rhenna held in her hands. It seemed as if the silence was waiting with bated breath for what was to happen. Lily stood up but Taran held her back and Rhenna cleared her throat again, grinning wickedly.  
  
'Is it possible for everything in one's life to go wrong, all at the same time? It seems that there's always someone more important, always a time when I miss out and I feel alone. Even when I'm surrounded by so many faces, I'm left in the dark. A vicious cycle that seems to persist, how many blows will I take before I collapse? When will I learn that friendship just wasn't meant for me? I'm suddenly aware that this sad song seems sadder and these sad words seem to suddenly make sense. I look past all of your fake smiles and realize I'm a part of your blur. I am a part of your dramatization of false identities. I see all of my mistakes reflected back at me, drilling a hole deeper into me. I sink deeper into my pain, into your lies that you surround our lives with. I'm drowning. Your faces are just a whirlwind of misleading accusations. No one knows it but I'm left behind again. I live the life I'm given, nothing to fake. Reading off scripts that play along with your act. Can't you see the harm of being not yourself? It's what you always do to fit in. You are all nothing but liars in your deceptive world of false happiness and deceit.'  
  
"So, is that what you really think of us Lily? Liars?" Rhenna asked. Lily held back a sob and bolted up the stairs to the dormitory, flinging herself upon her bed. Sirius had to hold back James, who was desperately trying to grab a hold of Rhenna.   
  
"Don't hurt a girl," Sirius whispered in James' ear, "I know you're upset but we can't do anything about this. It's between Lily and Rhenna."   
  
"Whatever Rhenna was trying to accomplish, she sure as hell got Lily very upset," James growled. Remus walked towards Rhenna, his eyes burning with angry.  
  
"I hope you are happy," he snapped, grabbing Lily's diary out of her clenched hand.  
  
"Oh, but I am," Rhenna said happily. The Gryffindors all looked at Rhenna in disgust. How could a Gryffindor do something so horrible to another student? It just didn't make sense…  
  
Ash Lynn had rushed upstairs after the fleeing figure of Lily. The door to the dorm was locked and Ash Lynn pounded on the door.  
  
"Lily, Lily please open up!" Ash Lynn screamed. When Ash Lynn didn't hear Lily get up to open the door, she sighed in frustration and did the next thing that came to mind. "Alohomora," she muttered as she heard the door unlock. Ash Lynn walked over to the crying Lily and sat on her bed. She rubbed her back gently, "It's alright Lily, it's alright," she whispered. But Lily's sob did not cease and Ash Lynn glanced up when she heard the stairs turn into slides. A boy had tried to get into the dorm. She opened the door and saw a very confused looking Remus, lying in a heap on the floor.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't know, I just wanted to return this," he said, holding up Lily's diary. He threw the diary up the stairs and Ash Lynn caught it. Locking the door behind her, she made her way back to Lily and laid her diary upon the desk next to her bed.  
  
"It's alright, Lily, please stop crying," Ash Lynn pleaded, as she continued to rub her back. It seemed like an eternity, but Lily stopped crying and her breathing rhythm slowed to a steady pace, she had fallen asleep. 'I can't believe that Rhenna would push this that far. Just some harmless pranks led to something that would horribly scar a young girl's soul. Rhenna would pay.' Ash Lynn unlocked the door and made her way to the common room to talk to the Marauders.  
  
"I really hate Rhenna, I just can't believe she would stoop so low!" James said angrily.  
  
"I know! Oh, she will pay though. I can assure you of that," Ash Lynn said. Peter bit his bottom lip, not trusting what he would do. Inside he felt ecstatic, elated. Finally something to bring down that horrible girl. Her misery made him feel superior, knowing that he was perfectly normal and she was just some…freak.  
  
The common room emptied and Ash Lynn wiped her eyes tiredly, staying with Lily had been tiring.   
  
"Go to bed, Ash," Sirius said gently. Ash Lynn nodded and stumbled up the stairs, calling goodnight to the Marauders. She opened the door, glanced over at Lily's sleeping body and then towards Rhenna's. Her anger coursing through her veins, she'd get Rhenna back, no matter what it took, or how long it took, she would get her back. Pay back was bitter sweet. 


	14. Remembrance

Seasons change. Summer had died long ago and fall was fading fast. With colder weather and snow starting to fall came the excitement of every Hogwarts student; Quidditch season was beginning. The first match was Ravenclaw against Hufflepuff and Ash Lynn was forcing Lily to go. Ever since the incident in the common room a few months ago, Lily had begun to withdraw herself again. Most of the Gryffindors talked to her occasionally, greeted her with a friendly hello of sorts and Lily was afraid of all the people surrounding her. She felt locked in a room with thousands of people and suffering from claustrophobia. Rhenna and Taran were almost disowned by the Gryffindors, they refused to speak to them unless they had to.  
  
The day of the Quidditch match dawned bright and cold. It was the last day before the month changed and December would soon be upon them. Lily was awaken by Ash Lynn jumping up and down on her bed.   
  
Lily groaned, "Five more minutes, Ash. Just five more minutes," she said, rolling over on her stomach and pulling the comforter over her head. Ash Lynn rolled her eyes and pulled the blanket off of Lily. Lily glared at Ash Lynn as she climbed out of bed.   
  
"Go take a shower and get dressed, then we're going to eat breakfast with the Marauders!" she said excitedly. Lily sighed and took a quick shower. She walked into an empty dorm room when she had finished. Pulling on her uniform and robes, she walked into the common room to see that Ash Lynn's face was paled and she was in a deep conversation with the Marauders, who all looked grim.  
  
Lily walked up behind Ash Lynn and put a hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong?" she asked. The Marauders stared at Lily, none of them speaking before Ash Lynn drew in a deep breath and explained what was wrong.  
  
"There's a Dark wizard who's gaining power all over the wizarding world," she started, "He's rounding up a lot of followers. This new wizard, Voldemort, he hates all that aren't pure bloods. So he's going around and killing muggles, muggle-born witches and wizards, everyone that isn't a pure-blood. The thing that really gets me, is that he isn't even pure-blood himself!" Ash Lynn exclaimed.  
  
"No one knows who he's going to kill next," Remus said sadly. Lily frowned, what about her?  
  
"C'mon," Sirius said, trying to lighten the mood, "Let's go eat some breakfast."  
  
The mood lightened by the end of breakfast because Peter had spilt pumpkin juice over the front of his robes and the girls found this incredibly hilarious. Peter blushed and angrily glared at Lily. 'I hate her, I hate her with a passion.' Peter curiously wondered how Ash Lynn could put up with a filthy, mud-blood like Lily. She got what she deserved from Rhenna, she honestly did.  
  
The school began to file out onto the Quidditch pitch. Lily and Ash Lynn were some of the last people to walk out of the castle. They had been talking in whispers about something that no one knew about, nor did anyone trust. Walking up the stairs, still in deep conversation, the girls made their way towards seats saved by the Marauders.  
  
"What are you two whispering about?" Sirius asked suspiciously.   
  
"Nothing!" Ash Lynn said, smiling innocently. Sirius shrugged and turned his attention back towards the pitch.  
  
"And Ravenclaw steps out onto the field," came the commentary from fellow Gryffindor, Trent Seaboyer, "Here is Captain Vegrande, followed by the Keeper Munis, the beaters Durus and Stote, and the chasers; Stanten, Tagglio, and Davis! And here come the Hufflepuff team! Seeker Torres steps out, here comes Keeper and Captain Ohnemus, the beaters are LeBlanc and Preston, and finally the chasers; Burley, Flynn, and Bourque!"  
  
The crowds cheered, each house cheering for one house or the other. Waiting in anticipation for the outcome of the match, hoping that the team they cheer for is the victor.   
  
"Madame Volo steps onto the field. The Bludgers are up, followed by the Golden Snitch! The seeker that catches the Snitch earns their team One Hundred and Fifty points! Madame Volo releases the Quaffle and the game begins!" Trent screamed. "Stanten takes possession of the Quaffle, he's flying, passes to Davis and she scores! Ravenclaw leads Hufflepuff 10-0! Hufflepuff has the Quaffle, no no! Tagglio knocks the Quaffle away from Flynn, Davis receives the Quaffle, she's going, she just barely dodges that Bludger sent towards her by LeBlanc! David passes to Tagglio, Tagglio shoots, Ohnemus misses the quaffle and Tagglio scores! The score is now 20-0."  
  
"C'mon Ravenclaw, c'mon!" James muttered under his breath.  
  
"No, no Hufflepuff you can still win!" Sirius screamed.  
  
"Have a bet going?" Ash Lynn asked. Sirius grinned.  
  
"I will win!" Sirius said triumphantly.  
  
"Doubt it," James said under his breath.  
  
"Ravenclaw scores again! It is 30-0! Hufflepuff had better score some points before it's too late. The two seekers are circling the pitch in desperate search for the Golden Snitch. What's this? Hufflepuff has the Quaffle, Flynn gets pass the Beaters…FLYNN SCORES! Ravenclaw still leads 30-10."  
  
"So?" Ash Lynn asked Lily.  
  
"Just wait," Lily replied, "Be patient."  
  
"I'm so excited though!" Ash Lynn exclaimed. Lily smiled.  
  
"Ariel Vegrande dives down--she's spotted the Golden Snitch! Kayla Torres has no chance of catching up! Vegrande catches the Snitch and Hufflepuff is pounded by Ravenclaw wins 180-10!"  
  
"Yes!" James screamed, "Pay up, Sirius!" he said victoriously, as if he were the won winning the Quidditch match. Sirius grumbled and handed over a few galleons.  
  
"Lily!" Ash Lynn hissed, "To your left!" Lily turned to see Rhenna standing there with Taran. Ash Lynn grinned and started laughing behind her hand. The Marauders stared at Ash Lynn and then turned towards Lily who had her wand out.  
  
"Vestitus Evanesco," she whispered, pointing her wand towards Rhenna and Taran. Remus gasped. The entire crowd surrouding Taran and Rhenna began laughing. It seemed that Lily had made their entire outfit disappear, leaving them in their undergarments. Taran and Rhenna blushed furiously, running down the stairs, they made their way up to the castle and into the Gryffindor common room.  
  
"Oh god, Lily," Ash Lynn said between gasps of breath, "I am so glad you found that spell." Lily smiled faintly. She really did feel horrible about what she had done and her guilty conscience ate away at her.  
  
Lunch was quite loud as rumors flew through the hall about Rhenna Algorian and Taran Clefford being undressed on the Quidditch Pitch. Who was behind it? No one was quite sure. Some were positive that it was the Marauders but others had their doubts. Especially the Gryffindors, they knew the tension between two of their members. Rhenna and Taran did not tell any professors and Lily was thankful. She still felt terribly guilty and barely ate lunch.  
  
"Are you going to eat?" Ash Lynn asked gleefully. Lily shook her head, a face plastered into a frown, her eyebrowns were furrowed as if she were deep in thought. "You alright?" she questioned. Lily nodded, afraid of her own voice, afraid that it would betray her.   
  
"I have to go to the Library before class," Lily said quickly as she stood up and grabbed her bag.  
  
"I'll go with you," Ash Lynn said, shoving another piece of food in her mouth and standing up also.  
  
"No, no!" Lily said, "I er...I have to go," she said, hurriedly making her way out of the Great Hall. Ash Lynn sat back down, looking dejected. Sirius wrapped his arm around her waist.  
  
"Let her go," he whispered.  
  
"Something's wrong with her," Ash Lynn stated, "I don't know why she won't tell me...I thought we were friends."  
  
"You are," Remus interjected, "Maybe Lily's just not ready to tell you yet," he offered.   
  
With December and the cold, bitter air came snow and Christmas. It was nearing Christmas Eve and a few days prior to the Christmas break, the students visited Hogsmeade to buy Christmas gifts. Since the students below third year could not go, they resolved to having the older children buying their gifts for them. Lily spent the day before Christmas Eve wrapping all her presents. She would be staying at Hogwarts for Christmas, like she did every year. Ash Lynn was going home for the holidays, as were many of the students. The Marauders would be staying except for Peter, who said something about having to go home to visit his grandmother. Lily finished wrapping her presents and put them all on her trunk. She was the only fourth year girl in Gryffindor to be staying for Christmas. At least the Marauders had each other to spend Christmas with. Lily began to feel lonely, she felt as if the only happiness left in her soul had abandoned her. Sighing, she made her way down to the common room to sit before the fire, soaking in its warmth. Looking out the window, she saw the stars shining brightly, illuminating the snow falling gently.  
  
"Hey Lily," came Remus' voice from somewhere behind her. Lily turned to see a smiling Remus sitting on the couch, she smiled back politely but Remus noticed the smile did not reach her eyes. Her mood had definitely dropped from it's cheerful self.  
  
"Where's James and Sirius?" she asked, looking around for the duo.  
  
"Ah, I believe they are off at the kitchen's nicking off some food," he replied, "I wanted to finish up this dratted essay for McGonagall, so I stayed here," he explained.  
  
"Oh," Lily replied, "How's the essay coming along? I finished it yesterday, I found it extremely easy."  
  
"It's coming along very well, thank you. I'm almost...done! Finally. They're really starting to pile us with work," Remus commented.  
  
"To prepare us for O.W.L.s next year." Remus agreed and then went to the boys' dorm to drop off his essays. In his absence, James and Sirius returned with three bottles of butterbeer and some pumpkin pasties.  
  
"Hey Lils!" Sirius said cheerfully, "Want some pumpkin pasties?" he offered. Lily politely declined and made her way back up to her dorm, bumping into Remus on the way down.  
  
"Talk to you later, Lily!" he said smiling as he ran down the stairs to meet James and Sirius. Lily walked into her dorm and shut the door behind her. Lying on her bed, Lily closed her eyes and instantly memories came flooding back to her.  
  
"Hey Lils! Merry Christmas!" Chris exclaimed as he wrapped his arms around Lily for a tight hug. Lily smiled happily, her eyes a dazzling shade of emerald. Lily took in Chris' image, memorizing every detail. His black hair hung loosely over his hazel eyes and he was grinning widely.   
  
"Here, this is for you," he said, putting a small box in Lily's hands. Lily opened and gasped. It was a silver necklace with a moon pendant hanging from it. Engraved in the moon it had said 'Friends Forever.' Lily cherished it and hugged Chris again before handing him her present. Chris thought the box was odd. It was shaped differently and had many holes poked into the sides. He opened the box and shouted in excitement. Inside was a small, black kitten that began to mew pitifully as Chris opened the box. He scooped it up and rubbed his face in its soft fur.  
  
"It's perfect," he mumbled, "Thank you so much Lily." She grinned as he named the kitten Lucifer.  
  
Christmas that year was amazing. It was the best Christmas Lily had and the last one she would spend with Christopher. He took his life the day before Christmas the next year. Lily pushed the memories away, she was on the verge of crying. She closed her eyes once more and instead of being met with memories, she was met with darkness.  
  
Lily awoke the next morning; it was the day before Christmas. She frowned. Christmas Eve brought back unwanted reminiscences. Lily spent the morning upstairs in her bed crying, she didn't have the strength to walk down to the Great Hall, nor did she have the appetite for breakfast. Four years. It had been four years today that her best friend took his own life. Lily cried out in pain, it felt as if her heart had been ripped out of her very chest. It felt like this every year. Her body shook with silent sobs, her face was stained with her tears. The tears she shed often enough. Every year, Lily either wrote an entry or a poem for Chris. This year she decided she would write a poem. Pulling out the thin, black book that would end up being her demise, she began to write a poem for Chris.  
  
'Scars can fade with time, ice cold fingertips trace  
  
Along the fine lines that mark the points of relief.  
  
But this scar, it cannot die with time or fail with death  
  
It is the eternal ache of heartbreak, the loneliness  
  
That drives lovers insane and true friends apart  
  
It is the dreamer's suicide, the lover's affair,  
  
The poet's emptiness, forever times eternity.  
  
A heart is wrenched and squeezed of life,  
  
Tears fall, crystal tears that freeze with a single touch,  
  
From these ice cold fingertips that grasp at bitter air.  
  
They shatter into thousands of pieces like a broken heart;  
  
But the heart still beats with each and every miniscule piece  
  
And the tears still fall, forever times eternity.  
  
Haunting prophecies, lost hopes and fading tears  
  
Succumb to a restless soul, wandering this land  
  
As if it were its own. Claiming life as its own prison,  
  
The sadness remains in a forsaken heart  
  
Forever times eternity, as a memory lingers  
  
Above a marked stone; A loving son, a loving friend  
  
A face forgotten in a whirlwind of ashes and forgotten memories  
  
Walks among the living dead, waiting for the scars to fade  
  
But the scars remain, the pain intensifies, and the heart stops beating  
  
Loneliness is the dreamer's suicide. Solitude is the lover's affair.  
  
Seclusion is the poet's emptiness, it is my emptiness.  
  
Isolation is my companion, forever times eternity.'  
  
Chris, it's been four years. I miss you dearly. Not a second goes by that I do not think of you. This heartache feels as if it were the end of me. Without you, I am no longer whole. You are and will always be my missing puzzle piece. Rest in peace, dear friend. I am forever yours.  
  
She missed him, a lot. It tortured her, it drove her mad. Lily sat curled up on her bed, still crying and that was how she stayed for several hours. When she had no more tears left to cry, she got up and went into the bathroom, looking at her reflection in the mirror. She looked awful. Her cheeks were flushed and tear-stained, her eyes were puffy and red and her hair was a complete mess. She ran a comb through her hair and she threw some cold water on her face. She breathed in, her breaths still shaky. Before heading to the common room, Lily picked up her owl, Leona from her perch beside Lily's bed. Lily tied a few presents to both of her legs and let her fly off to deliver the Christmas presents to her family and to Ash Lynn. Calmly walking down the stairs, she saw the Marauders playing Exploding Snap and laughing hysterically at Sirius who had singed eyebrows. A sixth year prefect and his girlfriend were snogging in the corner and Lily turned away, loneliness overtaking her again. She sat down on the couch nearest the Marauders and watched their game with absolutely no interest. She looked like a complete zombie, she sat staring into space, her gaze not directed on anything in particular.  
  
Remus had been talking to her and when he noticed she wasn't paying attention, he tried to snap her out of her trance but to no avail.  
  
"Lils. Lily? Hello?" Remus said, waving his hand in front of her face.   
  
Lily's focus suddenly came back and she glanced at Remus' face in confusion. "What?" she asked.  
  
"You were zoning out," Remus said, "You weren't paying any attention to what I had just said."  
  
"Oh, sorry," she mumbled, "I...don't know what's gotten into me," she said. Remus and James looked at her, concern playing in their eyes. Lily ignored it and yawned sleepily. She laid her head down on the arm of the chair and fell into a light sleep. She looked like a fallen angel, tired and weary after her fall to Earth.  
  
Hours passed and Lily slept. She slept through both Lunch and Dinner but Sirius had brought up some food for Lily when she woke up. Lily stirred in the chair, her neck was sore and stiff. Idly rubbing her neck, she sat up and saw food sitting on the floor beside her. She picked at the food and ate a few bites but nothing too big. She didn't have an appetite, she felt completely sick. Her body felt emotionally drained of life and energy. Laying her head against the back of the chair, Lily sighed. She was vaguely aware of the portrait hole opening but everything began to spin and Lily felt dizzy. Her mind wanted to stop spinning, she felt extremely nauseous.  
  
"Lily, you alright?" James asked as him and his two friends made their way over to Lily. Lily nodded slightly, any more movement and she thought she'd lose whatever she had present in her stomach. "Why don't you go upstairs to your bed?" James suggested, "I'm sure it's more comfortable than this chair." Lily got up but the room began to spin faster and she couldn't stand balanced, trying to walk was as if she was walking on tight wire with one side weighed down. Lily swayed before she collapsed into James' open arms.  
  
Lily woke up on Christmas morning in the Hospital Wing. She had been extremely tired the night before. Madame Pomprey quickly examined Lily and after determining she was fine, Madame Pomprey released her. Lily walked back to the Gryffindor tower, quickly said the password to the Fat Lady and stepped into the common room. She was met with a disaster. The common room looked as if it had rained wrapping paper. The Marauders papers laid all over the floor in piles. Boys.  
  
"Lily! Happy Christmas!" James exclaimed, jumping up from his position on the floor. He ran over and hugged Lily and handed her a present.  
  
"What's this?" she asked curiously.  
  
"Oh, just a little something me and the boys pitched in together to buy for you," he said, smiling sweetly. Lily opened the box and inside was a beautiful gold necklace with a Lily pendant on it. Lily smiled and hugged the boys for thanks. She ran up to her dorm to get her presents for them. She noticed there were some new boxes on her bed and noted that Leona was back from her trip. She grabbed all of her presents and a letter that had been sitting on her bed and went back into the common room, putting all her presents on the floor. She handed the Marauders their presents and they ripped the paper off excitedly. Lily had gotten James a book called, '101 Ways to Hex Your Enemy.' James grinned broadly, his eyes twinkling with amusement. Sirius had gotten a similar book but this had been titled 'Great Pranks and How Not to Get Caught.' He laughed, which Lily thought almost sounded like a bark. Lily was sure that Remus always got books for Christmas, but she thought this book was fascinating and thought that Remus would love it. When Remus saw his gift, he looked at in surprise.  
  
"How'd you know I was so fascinated with Dark creatures?" Remus asked in amazement for Lily had gotten him 'Everything You Need to Know About: Creatures of the Night'  
  
"You're always looking at books in the library about them. I saw the book and thought it would be perfect for you," she replied. The boys all thanked Lily and helped her open her presents. She received some of Honeydukes best chocolate and a new Charms book from Ash Lynn. Her parents had given her a new diary. The cover was a crimson color and engraved in gold was her name; Lily Evans, with a Lily in the corner. She was running out of space in her old diary and a new diary was perfect for Christmas. The only thing left was the letter. Lily opened the letter and read the words. Her face went from one of happiness to one of complete shock and sadness.  
  
"What's wrong, Lils?" Sirius asked. Lily shook her head. This can't be happening. It isn't real. It's just a dream. She fought the tears that threatened to fall but in the end, it was a battle she was going to lose. An agonizing cry ripped through her body, as she clenched the letter in her hand. James enclosed her in a hug and had to pry her fingers from the wrinkled paper. He read the letter and instantly his eyes clouded over with tears. Sirius and Remus looked on, utterly confused. There was silence for a few moments before James even spoke.  
  
His voice cracked and he had trouble finding the words. Finally, he simply said, "Her parents are dead." 


	15. Forever Goodbye

For the entire Christmas break, Lily sat in her dorm room, alone. She withdrew herself from society, afraid to meet the eyes of anyone. Afraid of meeting the eyes of death. She wanted to deny that her parents were dead, she did not want to believe it. She almost forced herself to believe that they were perfectly fine and that the letter was a hoax. But the proof was there, in ink. Voldemort had murdered her parents. Murdered. It was such a harsh word, one that many would never like to think about. But the word played around in Lily's mind until she thought she had almost gone insane. Lily would not even eat. She had grown thin from lack of food and depression. Her eyes lacked the brilliant light that it once contained, and they seemed only as dulled emeralds.  
  
Downstairs in the common room, James was pacing and running his fingers through his hair nervously. The other students would be returning within the hour from Christmas break and the Marauders needed Ash Lynn to check up on Lily.   
  
The sound of many voices outside the portrait hole alerted the Marauders of the arriving students. The portrait hole swung open and many Gryffindors crowded in, their cheeks pink and flushed from the cold of the air. Ash Lynn walked in merrily, a wide grin plastered on her face. But at the sight of the Marauders faces, Ash Lynn's smile faded and she rushed over to where they sat.  
  
"What's wrong?" she demanded. Peter walked up behind her and stared at his melancholy friends. "What happened? Where's Lils?" Ash Lynn rambled on. Sirius placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze.  
  
"You might want to go up there before the evil hags from Hell get up there," Sirius suggested, "Lily's in no fit state of mind to handle anything from them." Ash Lynn paled and took off up the stairs and into the fifth year girls dormitory, gasping slightly at the sight before her.  
  
Lily was curled up in a feeble ball and tissues lay strewn all over the floor. Lily's cheeks were flushed, tear-stained and swollen, as were her eyes. Her lips seemed dry, so did her tears. Lily had cried herself dry, no longer capable of crying anymore, she rocked herself back and forth in a ball. Trying to give herself some consolation. Ash Lynn sat down on Lily's bed and rubbed her back. She knew better than to rush in and ask for a story. Lily would tell her, when the time was right.  
  
"They're gone," Lily whispered.  
  
"Who's gone?"  
  
"My parents. They're dead. Voldemort killed them," she whispered, her voice barely audible. Ash Lynn felt as if she was going deaf. She couldn't find the words, she couldn't find her voice. She just hugged Lily, comforting her and trying to speak soothing words.  
  
'Death. It seems so final. The dead end of the street, the period of a sentence. It's irreversible, unstoppable, sometimes it seems as if it's our fate. We could wish and pray all we wanted to go back into time, but we know it's impossible. It seems like someone is always to blame and the guilt lays heavily upon a burdened soul, a broken heart. The guilty is never pardoned and always sent to death. Death in silence. Screams are unheard and cries go unnoticed. Torture.  
  
We play with fate. Always hoping for a miracle. Could we go back into time and change the events? What could we have done to make things different and would that happen? Is it always our fault? I know that I am to blame for all this wrongdoing. I deserve this pain. You don't kill people you love. I don't know if I can handle this. I'm always one step closer to seeing them for a final time. But I won't. I'm trying to be strong. I know it's hard and some people want to give up, but I'm trying. It hurts, as if my heart is being wrenched of all emotions. I feel dead. I feel no happiness nor sadness. It's something I cannot explain, I'm emotionless. If I could say good-bye I would. That eats away at my conscience--I couldn't even say good-bye. I promise I'll see you some day soon, someday in eternity. But for now, this is my good-bye to you. And I finally say, 'Forever good-bye, we part and 'til we meet again, be strong. Hearts may be broken but they can mend. An eternity isn't so far away.'  
  
Lily's schedule was the same as always. She attended classes and did well, however, in the social area--she failed. She withdrew herself from everyone and did not dare speak. If she was spoken to, she pretended she was deaf or maybe she really did not hear them. She was so absorbed in her thoughts, in her darkness. The shadows consumed her, haunting her once beautiful, emerald eyes. They burned fiercely with an intense passion that no one had seen before. It was one of regret and revenge.  
  
Lily's emotions were uncontrollable. She [placed] her misery unto the papers. A conversation with herself, with the paper. With no advice given. She blamed herself for her parents' death and so did Petunia. The night after Christmas, Lily's sister sent her a letter--placing the entire blame upon Lily. Lily could not cry and she would not cry. She promised she would be strong.  
  
Behind closed doors and shaded windows,  
  
My broken soul lies in the darkness of sleep.  
  
My lips bleed from biting down so hard,  
  
Ragged breaths in heartbreaking rhythm  
  
With this shattered, bleeding heart of mine,  
  
These tears do not heal, for I'm forever broken  
  
Can you say the words that will ward this pain away?  
  
Pieces of glass lay on the floor next to a naked body  
  
Cuts are freshly frozen on pale skin, exposed veins  
  
Cry tears while eyes bleed crimson on the wooden floor  
  
Pale white walls, stained with fingerprinted blood  
  
Feeble cries from a broken soul, an attempt to rise  
  
But fallen once more. Bones are brittle, a heartbeat dying  
  
A pulse is fading into nonexistence, a soul into eternal loneliness  
  
My heart has been broken in a thousand different ways  
  
Your words, this razor that I seem to want to cut myself with  
  
They're harsh and cold like a silver blade, rusted with my sins  
  
Did I fail like you wanted me to? Is this how I was supposed to die?  
  
Bleeding freely from open wounds that you created with your knife  
  
Words entwined with my veins, pulling, screaming, crying  
  
I'm exposed to the showers of needles searching for some uncut skin  
  
Tears have not been shed for many days of endless torture  
  
Dry of tears, I can no longer cry. My voice has died, I can no longer scream  
  
If I asked you to kill me now, would you accept my surrender?  
  
Breathing in the sorrow, it hurts my lungs like I'm breathing in acid.  
  
Can you please write the words that will ward this pain from me?  
  
'Cause I never knew that heartache could be so agonizing.'  
  
Does it hurt to bleed this way, crimson stained emotions poured onto loose leaf papers? 


	16. Prison

Lily looked into the mirror, dreading her reflection. Lily Evans did not appear in the glass, a ghost did. A pale figured with limp, red hair and dead emerald eyes glared back fiercely at its mirror image. Her lips were cracked and bleeding from dehydration and her fingers were too weak, barely able to clench a fist. Pallid fingers grasped for emptiness but they failed to hold.  
  
Classes passed by and did not prove as a distraction for Lily's misery. Days faded into weeks, December had died and January came with winter in full force. Herbology classes had been cancelled for the week and Professor Humus was in a concern, trying to keep the plants warm with the building snow and the chilling cold.  
  
Lily walked into the common room and looked around the familiar room. Students were laying all over playing chess or some game and some where trying to finish up last minute homework. They ignored Lily's presence and didn't speak a word. None knew of Lily's parents death and they had thought that Lily was beginning to become conceited and was 'too cool' to talk to them. So they began to ignore her and Lily thought that she was a failure once more.  
  
She went to the Great Hall and ate a small lunch. She had become sick of her thin appearance and decided that the mourning had gone on for too long and she needed to eat before she became too thin and disappeared. Just because she had stopped mourning did not mean she did not think of her parents often. She thought of them daily and took to ignoring everyone around her. She pulled herself back into her prison of solitude and stayed there; locked in like a prisoner of death.  
  
Behind her bars she watched on as everyone else's lives went on. Hers just stopped. She lived in a movie that was continually on pause. Rewind. She relived Christmas over and over again in her head. She still prayed it was a dream and pinched herself, that was when reality sunk in. Her parents were really dead. Memories of a childhood swam back in hordes and drowned her thoughts of the present. She continued to keep up with her homework and class work, but she seemed to lack something, more of an emotion. To those who knew her, she lacked happiness. To herself, she lacked emotions. She was a void, empty of everything. The Marauders and Ash Lynn observed her as visitors in her prison. She refused to acknowledge their existence even to their persistence.  
  
"I can't take this anymore!" Ash Lynn exclaimed that evening. Her and the Marauders sat beside the fire discussing Transfiguration class before Ash Lynn interrupted.  
  
"Can't take what anymore?" Sirius asked, confused by her outburst.  
  
"Lily," she muttered, her eyes avoiding their curious stares. Ash Lynn could hear someone sigh and another murmur to themselves.  
  
"Just give her some time Ash," Remus said, "She's still mourning."  
  
"I have given her time," Ash Lynn growled back, "She can't keep ignoring us. We're her friends and if this is how she treats her friends than I don't see how I can be her friend!"  
  
"Ash, you're one of Lily's only friends. Don't abandon her because of this. She lost her best friend four years ago and now her parents are dead. Did you notice that her parents had died the same night that Chris committed suicide. I'm sure that's really tough of her," James pointed out.  
  
"I just…can't take this silence anymore. It's killing me," Ash Lynn replied, she was now close to tears. "I never got along with anyone in my dorm before and then I met Lily and things began to change. I don't want to lose her but…I just don't know anymore. I'm afraid I will lose her. Maybe I'm holding on to tight. Maybe I need to loosen my grasp." Remus nodded his agreement and Sirius hugged her tight.  
  
"Just give her time," Remus said again, staring into the burning fire.  
  
Lily sat on her bed and read her old journal. She had run out of pages and began writing in the diary her parents gave her for Christmas. She felt selfish for using it but did not know why. It brought back too many reminders of her parents. It was her fault her parents were dead. If only she hadn't been a witch, they would still be alive. She had no family left. Petunia disowned her, she had disowned her when she first got her acceptance letter to Hogwarts. It seemed as though Hogwarts had ruined her life and perhaps it had. Lily fell asleep with her journal open to some unknown entry and the words still danced beneath her eyelids. Darkness consumed the text and she dreamt a nightmare of horrifying deaths and destruction.  
  
Bodies littered a stone road. Cries were heard from dying souls. A heart wrenching scene. A man stood before the lifeless bodies and laughed. It was inhumane and maybe this man wasn't even human at all, more like an animal. Blood thirsty and hungry.. Blood flooded the street like a river, trickling down in a current. The man walked around, staring at the final product of his massacre. His laugh rang, like an echo, bouncing off the buildings and filling the silence with an eerie noise. This unknown man was soon accompanied by another. His crimson cloak, as if it were stained with blood, was wrapped tightly around his body.  
  
"Ah, so you've finally decided to come to me," the man hissed. His voice sent chills down Lily's back as she watched the picture in third person.  
  
"I was not going to stand and watch you kill innocent people," the man retorted back.   
  
"But I have killed innocent people. Look around you, don't you see them? The innocent must die. You must realize that."  
  
"I have and I won't allow it. You will not kill anymore."  
  
"Are you going to stop me?" he asked, as if he were taunting the man to make his move.  
  
"I will if I have to," he growled.  
  
The man smirked. Though Lily could not see his face, she somehow knew he smirked. "You are mistaken, my dear boy. For I will kill you before you ever stop me."  
  
"I would like to see you try--"  
  
"Avada Keda-!" The man disappeared with a crack before the last words of the fatal curse were uttered. "Pathetic," the other man whispered. "I will kill him, he will die by my hands. He has thrice defied me. He shall die."  
  
Lily awoke to darkness. The nightmare still haunted her mind and it reminded her another dream she had previous that year, with an evil demon and a unicorn, how these were connected she couldn't tell. She quickly glanced over at Ash Lynn. Her chest was rising and falling with each breath and she seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Lily knew she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, so she walked down into the common room. The fire was dying and the shadows danced across the walls, like Lily's misery danced across the stone walls of her prison resembling marionettes on strings. Lily's heart lay in darkness while the shadows sang their song of heartache. Lily sat on the couch, reminiscing and staring into the eternal wasteland of the unknown. Reality had hit harder than she had expected.  
  
Lily spent the next day, pushing her thoughts aside and concentrating on her work. But every once in a while a memory or an old quote would sneak its way back into her mind. Ash Lynn glanced at Lily occasionally during the day, worry playing in her eyes. It was obvious that she cared for Lily and hated to see her friend in such deep despair. She had to do something.  
  
Lily finished her homework before everyone else. She went up to her dorm while everyone else struggled with essays and practicing charms. She found, laying on her bed, a note. It was addressed to her but it did not say whom it was from. Lily was suspicious but curiosity got the best of her and she opened the letter to find a poem written inside.  
  
'You're not the only one who writes poetry, you know. I miss you. This poem I've written is of you and I hope you realize what it means before it's too late.  
  
Your eyes adjust to the darkness of the room,  
  
Silence.  
  
Shattered by the occasional sigh of the walls  
  
That confines you to your own sinful prison.  
  
Gazing mournfully out the barred windows,  
  
Your eyes reflect the moonlight, whimper softly.  
  
The white burns your knuckles as you clutch the bars  
  
Pallid fingers grasping for emptiness and failing to hold.  
  
Cry.  
  
Let the tears run through the etched wrinkles  
  
So juvenile yet matured, your eyes edge with wisdom.  
  
Your laugh has lost all emotion—somewhat monotonous  
  
Your soul has known nothing but sorrow, living in obscurity  
  
Sometimes crying for release, a pitiful, remorseful cry.  
  
Apologies.  
  
Irrelevant, carelessly tossed aside  
  
Just like your emotions, and your heart,  
  
Can you feel it breaking? Like someone's tearing it in two.  
  
Stitch by stitch, sew it back together, won't you?  
  
Hold it together now, don't falter, you can't  
  
The walls, they hear you cry, they know your weakness now  
  
Claustrophobic.  
  
The walls, they're closing in—there's no escaping now.  
  
Suffocate. Die. You earned your peace.  
  
Everything you ever did, lays worthless within your frail body  
  
You gave up too soon and left everything to rot  
  
The walls, those devils, they fed upon your rotting soul  
  
And watched you eagerly in anticipation for your early death.  
  
Pitiless laughs at your mournful cries  
  
But remember, it was you, who built your own prison.  
  
Dear Lily,  
  
The lines have been written and the words have been spoken. Your tears have been shed and your heart has been broken. Your eyes have lost emotion and your heart no longer beats it's passion. And loneliness settles in and through your trouble eyes you can see through it all. Don't betray everything that's been placed within your heart. Don't push me away, Lily. You're trapped inside a daydream, waiting for me to rescue you! You just don't realize that you're all alone. I need you, your friends need you. Reality will continue playing even without your life. But I need to hear your lips speak my name again. I need my friend back, I refuse to let you fall into the grasp of misery. Can't you see I'm falling apart before you? Come back to me, Lily, before you kill our friendship.  
  
Forever yours,  
  
A true friend. I will never abandon you so if you need me, I'll be here. Just come looking and I'll be around.'  
  
Lily smiled for the first time in weeks. She had a friend. She realized how horribly she had been treating those who even took the time to acknowledge her. She had been selfish. She knew she had to make it up to everyone but she just wanted to be alone. Her solitude was so welcoming. The silence did not judge her, she was comfortable with whom she was. Surrounded by people, it was always a challenge to fit in. With loneliness, she just had to fit in with herself. She was faced with an inner battle once more and she was not sure if she could handle it alone. She had one person who could help her and one person alone. They would accept her the way she was and that was a fact. She was not alone, she would never be alone. 


	17. Jealousy Sings a Lullaby

Screams echoed loudly, bouncing off the stone walls that enclosed her. No windows, no doors, just a stone room with no comfort. Silence was dominant and soon consumed her screams and left her screaming blindly and mutely. Her cries went unheard. Her misery was sung in a heartbreaking song which left her crying her heart out onto the cold floor. Her heartbeat was almost audible as it beat viciously in her breast, pounding hard against a weak ribcage. The ribs close to breaking, her heart close to failing from trying too hard, her breaths were shortened and her steps were staggered as she walked in all the wrong directions. Walking in a square along the walls, continually passing the same cracks as she ran her fingers along the cold, damn stone, freezing her skin to the bones and shivering uncontrollably. What she wouldn't give for a warm pair of arms to wrap around her tenderly. Lacking compassion, her heart felt weak once more, alone. Breathing in solitude as if it were her lifesaver. Darkness looms heavily like mist over her frightened soul and the fear settles in the pit of her stomach where she believes that she could waste away. And for a moment she almost does…  
  
"Lily, Lily wake up. C'mon Lils, you're going to be late for class," Ash Lynn said, shaking her gently. Lily grunted sleepily as she was pulled from her image of a dreamlike reality. "You alright?" Lily nodded and got up from her bed. Looking at her clock she realized she only had five minutes. Noting that there was not enough time for a shower, Lily threw on her robes, grabbed her books and bolted down the dorm stairs with Ash Lynn to reach Transfiguration just one time. Lily slipped into a seat in the back of the room and Ash Lynn sat next to her, shooting an apologetic glance at Sirius who had an empty seat beside him.  
  
"You can go sit with Sirius if you want," Lily said dully. Ash Lynn looked at her strangely.  
  
"Why would I want to?" she asked. Lily rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious.  
  
"I'm not blind, you know. I did see you look at Sirius with that apologetic look, I know you want to. You don't have to sit next to me. I can take care of myself," Lily said coolly. Ash Lynn gaped at her, not knowing what to say. Lily sighed and rest her chin on her hand. "Why do you have to be so popular?" she whispered.  
  
Ash Lynn looked taken aback. "What, are you jealous of me? Am I not worthy enough to have a boyfriend who cares?" she snapped.  
  
Lily shook her head, "No. I'm not jealous of you and you are worthy of it. Merlin knows you deserve Sirius. Anyway, jealousy of a person is bad for my self-esteem, though I already lack it. It's just…"  
  
"Just what?" Ash Lynn asked angrily.  
  
"I envy what you have. You have a boyfriend who loves you. Who do I have? No one. My parents died and my sister hates me. You're my only friend. You have people who swarm you with comments and greetings while I'm greeted by loneliness. Don't you ever consider how I feel? Or is it just always you? I don't need this…it's like you're only sitting here because you feel sorry for my loss and you're afraid I'll collapse. Well, if you haven't noticed I'm strong enough without your support or anyone else's."   
  
Ash Lynn was about to reply when she was interrupted by Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Ladies! I am trying to conduct a class. So if you wouldn't mind, please take your conversations else where," she stated sharply. The Marauders stared curiously at the two fuming girls and Lily looked away from their glares, concentrating on her Transfiguration class work.  
  
Ash Lynn refused to speak to Lily for the remainder of the day, even when they had been partnered in Potions. The refusal to speak had in Potions had caused a huge explosion which resulted in both girls becoming covered with the potion. Promptly sending them to the Hospital Wing covered in rashes and boils.  
  
Lily glared angrily at Ash Lynn from the bed across the room. Madame Pomphrey had forced a hot, steaming liquid down their throats and the girls sputtered.   
  
"That's what you get for not paying attention in Potions!" Madame Pomphrey had reprimanded them. Ash Lynn rolled her eyes and stared at the wall, ignoring the glares from Lily.  
  
The girls returned to the common room later that evening after the rashes and boils had disappeared. Lily went straight towards the dormitory while Ash Lynn sat on a couch beside Sirius in front of the fire. She sighed deeply and stared into the fire, gazing intently at the burning flames as they cast shadows throughout the room.  
  
"What happened earlier?" Sirius asked, putting his arm around her waist in comfort. Remus and James stared at Ash Lynn intently and Peter looked as if he could care less.  
  
"I think Lily's jealous of me," Ash Lynn stated.  
  
Sirius raised an eyebrow, "So that was what it was all about?" he asked. Ash Lynn nodded. Sirius laughed, "I'm sorry but that is ridiculous. Sweetie, Lily's never had real friends before. She's always been alone and she's just getting used to having a friend like you. Give her time and don't run her down so often, you're going to wear her out. She'll think you're abandoning her--just give her some time to adjust," Sirius said calmly. Ash Lynn nodded.  
  
"I suppose you're right…but I just can't help feeling angry. I don't know why, it's just the way she said it. I think it hit a nerve because I'm not used to being someone's only friend.  
  
"I understand."  
  
"Don't worry about it Ash, just talk to Lils and I'm sure things will work out between you," Remus said.  
  
Lily sat in the dorm room and stared at the patterns on her bed, everything becoming a whirlwind of colors. She sighed. Was she losing the only friend she ever had over an emotion she couldn't control? Her red hair fell, cascading down her shoulders and she fingered the strands slightly, taking in the silk feeling. She bit her bottom lip and glanced at the table beside her bed and grabbed the diary her parents had given her for Christmas. Inside she had already filled several pages with her useless writing. Although, it helped relieve the emotional pain she felt inside, she felt her words were meaningless; never knowing the tragic emotions portrayed by every word written.  
  
'Play my regrets in a heartbreaking song  
  
As I sit here wondering what could have been  
  
Will you sing me a heartrending lullaby?   
  
The music plays softly in the backdrop  
  
As the scenes play continuously on the wall  
  
My life rolls past as the memories fade into  
  
The light of the screen. Jealousy consumes  
  
The weary eye, blinding truth with honest lies.  
  
Footsteps stagger as I walk in all the wrong directions  
  
Holding fast to a past that seems to slip away  
  
Into an empty void of sorrow that consumes  
  
The ever-dying soul of eternal solitude  
  
Queen of the unreachable, the damned and the lonely  
  
She sits high on her throne of barbed roses and  
  
Sings her lullaby for all those whose voices fail.  
  
Envious cries ring out, afraid of being left behind  
  
In the looming darkness, fear settles within their hearts  
  
As the pace quickens and they walk blindly across the tight wire,   
  
Stumbling, falling to their deaths in some unknown territory  
  
Some have been swept away by the melody of this   
  
Bittersweet lullaby, finding themselves flying into battle  
  
With their swords drawn and ready to murder emotions that   
  
Seem to haunt every step they take. Feelings of hatred and love,  
  
Jealousy and sympathy, happiness and despair. Opposites attract.  
  
This lullaby collides with the misery playing deep within these notes  
  
And she sings her heart out, bleeding words freely from open wounds  
  
Her misery devours her and the thorns begin to bite hard  
  
Leaving drops of crimson on the petals of her rose throne.  
  
She falls farther than anyone has ever fallen before.  
  
The wire snaps and she's lost; walking in all the wrong directions  
  
Following the trail of music that lead her to her destiny,  
  
The jealous song lead her to her death and she died within her lyrics  
  
Singing one last final note of that heartrending lullaby.'  
  
Lily's thought process had been interrupted by the turning of the doorknob. Glancing up from the ink stained pages, Lily watched as Ash Lynn made her appearance. Her eyes were weary and tired from much thinking and she ran her fingers through her hair absentmindedly.  
  
"Lils, can we talk?" she asked timidly. Lily nodded slightly and cocked her head to the side, staring intently at Ash Lynn. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier," she started as she sat down on Lily's bed. Biting her bottom lip as if she was thinking about what she said before she actually did. "I understand where you're coming from...it's just...I'm not used to hearing comments like that and I didn't know how to react. I guess my first instinct was to be angry but I apologize. I don't want to lose you as a friend over something as silly as that."  
  
Lily smiled a bit. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to anger you. Sometimes I just wish I were more like you. You're so confident in the way you hold yourself, everyone adores you, and you know that you're beautiful. You aren't arrogant about your beauty and your social life is incredible. I just wish I had that. Except, I'm not you, I'm me.  
  
"I'm just Lily Evans. That's all I can be and I guess I don't want to accept that at times. I just wish I had someone who loved me as much as Sirius loves you. You can see it in the way he looks at you, being lonely has it perks. I can observe everyone and have no one bother me. He never looks at any other girl the way he looks at you. I want that..." Lily said sadly.   
  
Ash Lynn was silent the whole time, playing with a thread that was coming undone from Lily's sheets. She sighed. "Lily, this is the best advice I'm going to give you, so listen to it carefully. Before people can accept you for who you are--you first have to accept yourself. Love yourself and others will love you. No one wants to be friends with someone who can't even compliment themselves sometimes. Have faith in what you have and you'll get what you want. Trust me."  
  
"Thanks Ash Lynn...oh and thanks for that letter last night, it helped me a lot."  
  
"What letter?" Ash Lynn asked confused.  
  
Lily looked shocked. "You mean, you didn't write me that letter that was sitting on my bed?" Ash Lynn shook her head.  
  
"Oh!" Ash Lynn exclaimed, "An owl dropped that off earlier in the morning, you weren't around so it let me take it off and place it on your bed. I'm not sure who it's from though. Can I read it?"  
  
Lily shrugged and handed the letter over. Ash Lynn read it and her eyes lit up.  
  
"Oh, Lily!! Looks like you have a secret admirer!" she squealed in happiness.  
  
"How do you know? It could just be someone who cares about me as a friend," Lily said.  
  
"Ah, but it's signed 'forever yours'," Ash Lynn pointed out. "Come on, who else would write something like that unless they had a crush on you!" Lily rolled her eyes and fell back on her bed, staring at the canopy above.  
  
"C'mon. Let's go to the common room, please?" Ash Lynn suddenly said.  
  
"Miss your Sirius already?" Lily asked.  
  
"Of course," she said brightly as she got off of Lily's bed and made her way down to the common room. Lily followed suit and found herself sitting between Ash Lynn and Remus.  
  
It seemed as though the two girls had forgotten all about their little 'feud' earlier that day. Things seemed as if they were back to normal, except things weren't. The happiness and tension free atmosphere appeared to be a disguise for everything that lay in wait of things to come.  
  
The Marauders. One watched as his unreachable star grew further away from his grasp. Another grew weary of waiting and wondering. His friends seemed so different from him, yet he was with them, a part of them. They had the looks, the brains, everything he wanted and couldn't have. Yet, they were friends, they accepted him for who he was. It was what he could ever wish for. Nothing could tear them apart or so it seemed.  
  
The third seemed too preoccupied with his current love to worry about the future or the darkness that loomed overhead the entire wizarding world.   
  
The final, sat in silence and watched his best friends contemplating life and love. Dull pain coursed throughout his body, though he was certain that part of the pain was heartache. He wanted her, he needed her and yet she was so far away from him. Distanced by an eternal loneliness that plagued her soul. She seemed unaware of the shivers she sent through his body. The others were unaware of the jealousy that danced in his eyes everytime he watched them. How he envied their looks and the attention they received. He concluded that he hated whom he had become. 


	18. My Unreachable Star

He sat before the burning fire feeling the warmth wash over his cold body. He could smell the burning wood and it brought some sort of comfort to his troubled mind. Staring into the flames as they leapt and danced as if it were a choreographed number. The colors of the flames merged with the ashes; a picture perfect scene for solace. The thick smoke caused his eyes to become heavy with sleep but he fought to stay awake. His mind was full of thoughts; desperation, love, envy, and despair, memories of his haunting past. So many thoughts for only one quiet night to think about. He sighed and wondered what the other Marauders really thought of him. It was so easy to question everyone around him; afraid of losing those close to him because of a past he kept secret from many.   
  
The Marauders knew, they trusted him, didn't they? There were times when he wasn't sure at all. Who could he trust? He could trust her it seemed. Her, Lily, how beautiful she seemed every time he saw her. Her shy, quiet, and educated personality seemed to match his perfectly. She was his unreachable star, no matter how hard he tried to reach her. She seemed to pull farther away from his grasp, away from everyone's grasp. Hiding herself behind Ash Lynn as if Ash was her black, velvet sky.   
  
He shook his head, he cannot be in love with her. He knew nothing about her except for what he had seen and what he had read. She seemed to be a walking, unreadable expression. A story ready to be told but afraid to speak. He also knew that if he loved her, it would ruin a friendship that he held dear to his heart. For he knew, that someone else liked this unfathomable beauty and that this friend would probably have the upper hand.  
  
"Remus?" Sirius called from the bottom step, "What are you still doing up?" he asked, yawning sleepily.  
  
Remus shrugged nonchalantly, "I was thinking about some things and I couldn't sleep," he replied with a frown.  
  
"Want to talk about it mate?"  
  
"I suppose…" Remus said reluctantly. He had to tell someone, so for the next half hour, Remus sat with Sirius and told him everything that was on his mind. Sirius was quiet except for when he had to a comment for something. "I just don't know what to do," Remus confessed.  
  
"Well," Sirius started, "I can help you with your Lily problem, somewhat. See, the thing is, Lily is used to be alone. She loves her solitude, if you haven't noticed. So, what you have to do, is gradually warm her up to people. Get her used to having people she can trust. Maybe once she trusts you, then you can see what happens from there. I don't know how well that would work but it seems like the best thing to do with her."  
  
Remus nodded, "But what about James, you can tell that he obviously fancies her too!" he exclaimed exasperatedly.   
  
"I don't know. James is always surrounded by other girls, I'm sure he'll soon forget about Lily. Things happen for a reason, whatever happens, I'm sure you two can work it out. We're the Marauders, you know," he said grinning, "Girls won't get in between our friendship; nothing can. Don't worry too much about it. And Remus, we'll always be here for you. We're family, don't worry about not trusting us because you can. I know that I would trust you with my life," he said solemnly. Remus smiled gratefully. "C'mon mate, it's getting late, let's head up to bed. I'm exhausted," Sirius said, trying to stifle a yawn. Remus ruffled his hair slightly and stood up, following Sirius up to the boys dormitory.  
  
Lily sat in her bed staring into the darkness, listening to the heavy breathing of her roommates. She sighed and furrowed her eyebrows, as she did when she was deep in thought. There must be some subtle hints in the letter to clue her in on who sent it. But she couldn't figure it out, she went to sleep that night with many thoughts running through her mind.  
  
Remus sat on the windowsill and stared through the glass and past the reflection that glared back at him. The moon was shining brightly and even then he could feel a slight pain, slowly making its way through his body. The full moon was in a few days and he knew the pain would only intensify, he thanked Merlin for only the dull pain. His lycanthropy haunted him monthly and he cursed himself daily for the idiotic mistakes he could have prevented. The blame and guilt heavily burdened him and he felt weighed down as if he could never be free from the decisions he made. There are consequence for every single move that he made wrong. Remus understood that and tried to accept these consequences as they came at him, taking one day at a time and never living a step into the future.  
  
His thoughts kept dragging himself back to Lily. No matter how hard he tried to push the thought into the back of his mind, it just seemed to appear. As if they harder he tried, the more persistent it was to keep coming back. Perhaps it was a sign. But, every time he closed his eyes to picture Lily--there was James standing in the background looking dejected and heartbroken. Remus frowned and his forehead became creased with worry. Life was never on his side.  
  
'My heart beats irregular inside this chest of mine.  
  
My words begin to stutter inside this mouth of mine.  
  
Your fragile beauty-held within the contexts of a mirror.  
  
Frail as a rose, but still beautiful because when I touch you,  
  
Your thorns do not prick.  
  
And I wonder if you're as beautiful as you seem.  
  
Are the pieces of the mirror, shattered inside your heart?  
  
Are they pricking you, making you bleed ever into yourself?  
  
And your innocence is stained by this crimson blood,  
  
Pouring from the far depths of your soul.  
  
The crimson of the rose petal…forever fading.  
  
Forever falling.  
  
I want to capture your captivating beauty  
  
And hold it in my eyes forever  
  
Maybe I could lock you in a glass cabinet  
  
And look upon your delicate allure  
  
While you watch the sky paint your dreams  
  
The dreams you kept eternally locked away.  
  
And I could stare at you all night,  
  
Underneath the burning moonlight  
  
Drowning in your translucent tears  
  
You are slowly wilting.  
  
Slowly dying inside your mirror.  
  
Your beauty is fading.  
  
No longer entrancing.  
  
I'd still give up the sunlight  
  
Just to gaze upon you at night  
  
And watch your tears shimmer  
  
Against the heavenly stars'  
  
Remus was right when he stated that Lily wasn't the only one who wrote poetry. If only he could portray his emotions as well as Lily could with words. His words just seemed to convey worthless, petty feelings for the one he couldn't help but love. Worthless. That's what they were; that's what he was. A worthless werewolf. That's all he'd ever be.  
  
Remus awoke to James shaking him awake. He looked around frantically and noticed that the room was still pitch dark and the stars were still present in the shadowed sky. His other roommates were awake and staring at him curiously.  
  
"Whatsa matter?" he said hoarsely, his voice dry from sleep. James' face was creased with worry and frustration.   
  
"What's the matter? You're the matter, Remus! You were hollering in your sleep as if you were being chased and only seconds away from dying," he said anxiously, "You alright?"  
  
Remus shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair, like James did when he was around girls; though this was out of nervous habit. He bit his bottom lip and tried to recall the dream he had been having. He nodded slightly and motioned for the boys to go back to bed. The only boy who seemed not to be awaken by the frantic screams of a petrified Remus was Peter. Peter was laying fast asleep, curled up under his blankets and snoring loudly. Remus looked around the room once more before putting his head back against the pillow, it was wet with sweat that was still dripping from his pores. He sighed and closed his eyes as sleep devoured him once more.  
  
Sunlight forced it's way through the window and onto Remus' sleeping face. He blinked, trying to blind himself from the sunlight that danced playfully upon his bed. Remus buried his face into his pillow before getting up. He was met with the sounds of his three best friends snoring, his fourth roommated seemed to be already awake and probably down at breakfast.   
  
He, Orien Vesper, was an early riser, though he loved the evening. Remus noticed that Orien would sit by the lake at night to observe the stars, he was an excellent astronomer, Remus concluded. The Marauders barely associated with him but Remus did greet him daily whenever he saw him, which wasn't often. Orien was up early and went to bed late. It was as if he stayed in the shadows of the moon, he never liked to be seen during the day if he could. During classes, he sat in the back, far corner of the classroom, away from prying eyes. His dirty blonde hair fell into his grey eyes always, the way he liked it, like he didn't want to be seen and he didn't want to see anything. If it was to be anyone who found out Remus' secret, it would be Orien.   
  
Remus sighed, 'I wish I could sometimes be as mysterious as him.. So it seems that every time we look into a mirror, everyone else has what we want to be.' And it was as if being friends with James and Sirius put him in spotlight, though he desperately tried to shy away. He wasn't one to be noticed, like Lily. In a way, he somewhat felt connected to her solitude, he wanted to be a part of it. He wanted to be his own person and not known as just "one of the Marauders." And in more than one way, unbeknownst to Remus, Lily would be the one to show him what life really means.   
  
As we walk blindly through life, we miss the more important things. We miss out on emotions that we could only dream of having. We lose sight of dreams and hopes and leave them in the dust. We try to live life to the fullest extent, but there's always something we forget. We always fall when we try to fly, we always stumble when we try to walk. But with the help of friends can we truly see the right path to choose? Or will we walk in the shadows and follow darkness to the depths of an unknown dream-like reality?  
  
"Remus." James voice pulled Remus from his thoughts.  
  
"Hrm?" he replied, still not quite away from everything that seemed to drift into his mind.  
  
"We need to go down to breakfast soon," James said, staring at his friend's blank face with concern, "Are you alright?"  
  
"Just a lot on my mind," Remus said before looking at Sirius, who was sitting on his bed, trying to fix his tie. Sirius looked up and met Remus' gaze, he frowned slightly but it was quickly wiped away when James turned to look at him.  
  
"You coming Sirius?"  
  
"Yeah, just a minute...damn tie..." Sirus muttered. Remus smiled, his friends...they'd always be his friends. Remus got dressed quickly and after James had woken a disgruntled Peter, the four headed downstairs to be met with a amusing sight. 


	19. This Is Our Own Hell

Chapter Nineteen: This is Our Own Hell  
  
Taran and Rhenna were sitting on the floor crying, their once beautiful hair had now turned green with silver streaks running through it.   
  
"Matches their personality quite well, don't you think?" The Marauders jumped at the voice and turned to see Ash Lynn standing behind them, grinning mischievously.   
  
"You did that?" Sirius asked, smiling broadly.   
  
"Lily did the actual spell but we both came up with the idea," she replied as if it weren't a huge accomplishment. Remus' stomach flip flopped at the sound of Lily's name, he heard James sigh beside him. He frowned inwardly and quietly made his way past the Marauders, who still stood talking with Ash Lynn and walked out of the common room.  
  
"Hey, where'd Remus go?" Peter asked suddenly, "And where's Lily? How come she's not down here?" The Marauders looked around for their missing companion.  
  
"Lily's in the dorm. I'm not really sure what she's doing, she told me to leave her alone for a while," Ash Lynn said shrugging. The portrait door opened and the group turned to expect Remus, however, it wasn't. Instead, Orien walked in, looking curiously at Rhenna and Taran before smiling dreamily. Lily walked down behind Ash Lynn and cleared her throat to gather the attention of the common room.  
  
"Hey Lils!" Sirius exclaimed, grabbing Lily and hugging her tightly, "That was something amazing you pulled off!" Lily smiled a bit, but the pain in her eyes revealed a different emotion. Her eyes began to wander around the common room before the fell upon Orien, who was still examining Rhenna and Taran's hair.   
  
"Did you do this?" he asked her, his voice quiet and mysterious. Lily nodded shyly. "You have great skills that exceed many of us fourth years. You will be a wonderful witch someday, I can promise that. The heavens have already written your destiny," he replied, before walking upstairs to the boys' dorm.  
  
"That boy is quite some character," Ash Lynn said. Sirius nodded in reply and grabbed Ash Lynn suddenly around the waist, twirling her 'round in circles, 'causing her to shriek with glee. Lily winced with jealousy and for a moment, her eyes caught James and they both looked at one another with sympathetic, sorrowful stares. Sirius noted the change in his best friend's behavior and put Ash Lynn down, but left his hand resting limply on her waist.   
  
"Let's go down to breakfast, maybe we'll see Remus there!" James quickly agreed and Lily just hung back, sitting calmly in a armchair before the fire. Taran and Rhenna, too embarrassed to see any other students, ran back upstairs to their dorms and decided they didn't want to be seen wearing the Slytherin colors. Sirius grinned stupidly and hugged Ash Lynn tightly.  
  
"Lily, are you coming?" she asked, calling over Sirius' shoulder.  
  
"No," Lily said before sighing and resting her head on the body of the chair.  
  
Slowly, it seemed as if the entire Gryffindor tower had made their procession down to breakfast. Lily sat in silence, curled up on the chair in a fetal position, making her seem weak and vulnerable.   
  
Every day she watched on as Ash Lynn was constantly surrounded by friends and Sirius. She was always known, always the one to be greeted. None of the other Gryffindors even dared look at Lily and she couldn't understand this change. When the occasion occurred that one of the other members of her house did look at her or speak to her, they always wore a sneer on their face. It was as if everyone was taunting her, everyone was talking about her behind her back and she was alone again. She always ended up alone. It was if solitude was her eternal soul mate.  
  
The sound of the portrait hole opening, startled Lily, but she remained in her position and just stared into the fire, hoping whoever had come back from breakfast early would soon leave. But she did not hear the portrait hole open again, she heard the echoes of footsteps making their way towards where she sat.  
  
"Lily?" Lily sighed and frowned, she was discovered, but the voice was gentle and quiet. She looked up and her emerald eyes met amber ones. "You alright?" Remus asked, as he sat down on the arm of her chair. Lily turned so she was facing Remus and their gaze was never disconnected.   
  
"Truthfully? I'm not…" she replied sadly. Remus stared at her with admiration and sorrow, both pairs of eyes conveying every emotion they were feeling at the moment. Lily's eyes played with misery, jealousy, and despondency and Remus could see her emotions and he felt as if a sudden, huge burden had been placed upon his heart. Her eyes seemed weary and her face looked aged, as if she were older than just fourteen. She had been weighed down heavily by the haunting memories of her past and it showed. But yet, still through her troubles, she appeared just as beautiful as an elegant and mysterious phoenix.   
  
Her red hair was like flames burning and still never failing or seemingly ready to die. Her emerald eyes, lacking happiness or color, shined dully behind thick eyelashes. Her porcelain skin, like that of a doll, so fragile and delicate…Lily coughed, Remus was startled for a moment and he fell off the arm of her chair. He got up and brushed his robes, turning to see a smiling Lily.  
  
Remus blushed and ran his fingers through his hair, nervously. Lily sat up and moved over, giving Remus room to sit on the chair next to herself. Remus sat down beside Lily, feeling her warmth like a fire, rushing through his body like a river of flames.  
  
"Where'd you go this morning?" Lily questioned him, "When I came downstairs, the Marauders were there except for you."   
  
"I…er…" Remus sat in thought for a moment, trying to place his thoughts into an actual sentence. "Things aren't really going so well for me," he started, "I just went for a quick walk to clear my mind."  
  
"Want to talk about what's bothering you?"   
  
"Only if you talk about what's bothering you," he stated, looking a bit uncomfortable. Lily sighed and agreed. "Go first," Remus urged.   
  
"Is it wrong for me to be jealous of Ash Lynn?"  
  
"No," Remus started, surprised. "Jealousy is a human emotion, we all are jealous at some point in time. If it's any condolence, I'm jealous of my best friends too," he said. Lily looked shocked.  
  
"Why…?"   
  
"Why shouldn't I? They have everything they could ever want and it's just placed there in front of them, they don't have to struggle for anything. It's like, sometimes, I wonder why I'm friends with them in the first place, me and Peter. We are so different from James and Sirius and yet we all are best friends. And…there's something about me you don't know," Remus confessed, "And I'm sure if you found out…you wouldn't want to talk to me again."  
  
"Remus, nothing in this world could stop me from being friends with anyone, including you. I don't judge people because of who they are or what they do. It's not who I am. Though sometimes I wish I weren't me…" Lily said.  
  
"Why? Lily, you're such a wonderful person. Ash Lynn talks about you all the time and never does she say anything that would give you a bad label. Lily, you have to stop living in the past and focus on the present!" Remus said.   
  
"Sometimes, you should take your own advice," Lily replied quietly. The two sat in silence for a few moments and Remus looked over at Lily as tears fell from her eyes.  
  
"Why are you crying?"  
  
"Because sometimes I'd rather live in the past than in the present. The present is cruel with reality, the past is just a dream and I'd rather live a dream where I never knew what pain and heartache was. Where I didn't know any emotions and I could be happy with the way I am. But I can't, not here, not now. Because I have nothing to be happy about, I have nothing to live for. Sometimes, I'd rather die than be living here, ignored and unwanted. I want someone to love me!" Lily sobbed. Remus instinctively wrapped his arms around Lily's body and pulled her close, rocking her back in forth in a soothing sort of manner. He buried his face in her hair, drinking in her scent and he cried.  
  
Remus cried for Lily and her pain. He cried for himself and his past, for all the mistakes he ever made and wished he could take back. He cried for love. He wanted to be the one to love Lily, he wanted to be the one who Lily wanted to love. And as the sobs racked her body and as he cried silently with her, the formed a silent truce--that they'd always be there for one another. Lily trusted him.  
  
The sound of loud voices outside the common room made Lily and Remus aware that breakfast was over.  
  
"I'm going to go," Lily said, a bit breathless from crying heavily, "Thanks Remus, thanks for being there for me," she said sincerely. Remus smiled gently and wiped the tears from her face and he watched her fleeting figure mournfully.   
  
The portrait hole opened and hordes of Gryffindor students walked in after their breakfast, talking animatedly to one another with plans for the weekend.   
  
"Remus!" he heard Sirius exclaim from somewhere behind him. Remus got up from the chair and realized how cold he felt without Lily's warm body beside his. He turned around to face his friends and they looked at him oddly. He then remembered that he had been crying and he probably looked as though he was.   
  
"Remus, are you alright?" Ash Lynn exclaimed. Remus wiped the dried tears from his eyes and nodded meekly.  
  
"Where'd you got his morning?" Peter piped in.   
  
"I just went for a walk, sorry for not telling you."  
  
"No problem. Are you sure you're alright? Have you seen Lily, by any chance?" Ash Lynn questioned.  
  
"I…I…yeah," Remus said uncertainly, staring at the ground. The Marauders looked at Remus curiously but did not press the matter. Ash Lynn pushed her way past Remus and went upstairs to the girls' dorm in search of Lily.  
  
Sirius pushed Remus down into the chair and looked at him, eye to eye. "Remus, what really happened? Don't lie to us. You've been crying!"  
  
"I…well, I…" Remus began to stutter. Peter stood behind Sirius and was mumbling incoherently and James was staring at him, waiting for a reply. But Remus was saved when the Marauders heard a shriek from the girls' dormitory. The sounds of an argument floated down to them and they could catch phrases.  
  
"…Bloody git!" "…deserve what you…" And then the sound of a palm making contact with skin. The Marauders stood dumbfounded and then they heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stone stairs. Appearing in the doorway were Rhenna and Taran, their faces flushed and their hair still silver and green. They huffed angrily and stalked out of the common room. Ash Lynn and Lily soon appeared and Ash Lynn was covering her cheek gently with her own hand. Lily's face was tear-streaked and she held the remains of a diary in her hands.   
  
"Rhenna burned the diary my parents gave me for Christmas," she said sniffling and wiping the tears away.   
  
"What happened to you, Ash?" Sirius said, immediately hugging her to comfort his shocked girlfriend.  
  
"I called her a bloody git and she slapped me…that evil, wretched creature slapped me!" Ash Lynn spat. "God, I hate her." James' growled and the other Marauders stared at him in surprise.  
  
"I'm sick of them treating you to like this!" he exclaimed angrily, "It's not fair because you certainly didn't do anything to deserve that. I'm sorry Ash and Lily," he said gently and enclosed both of them in a hug. Lily looked uncomfortable and she became tense. James sensed this and released her, staring at her inquisitively. She faked a smile and thanked James.   
  
Sirius took his girlfriend's wrist and led her over to the nearest couch, sitting her down and held her close. Ash Lynn sighed in content and rested her head on Sirius' shoulder. Peter sat in an armchair and pulled homework out of his bag, still mumbling to himself. James took Peter's lead and decided to get his homework done so he would have the rest of the day and Sunday to just have fun. Remus and Lily still stood standing, looking around awkwardly. Remus sat down next to James and peered at the parchment he had begun to write and grinned. 'How to Treat the Slytherins." Professor Kirkaldy had given that to James after he had caught James hexing the Slytherins during his class.   
  
Remus felt the weight of Lily's body sinking in next to his and he felt that warmth once again, along with the butterflies that danced in his stomach. He turned to face her, her cheeks still red from crying, and her hair burned brightly, reflected by the glow from the flames of the fire. He smiled warmly at her and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tenderly as if he was reassuring her that things would be alright. Sirius glanced over and saw what Remus had done and nudged Ash Lynn gently she looked up at him curiously and she followed his gaze to Remus and Lily. She smiled and looked at Sirius again before kissing him softly on the lips.  
  
"They're cute together," she said, nuzzling Sirius.   
  
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, whispering in her ear, "But so are we," he said grinning. Ash Lynn laughed and laid her head back down against Sirius' chest, listening to his heart beat.  
  
James looked over to ask a Remus a question but he stopped when he saw Remus holding hands with Lily and talking in quiet voices. A fire burned angrily within his soul and jealousy raged on. 'Why can't that be me?' he asked himself. Heartbreak wasn't an emotion he felt often.  
  
"Just use spare pieces of parchment until you can get a new diary," Remus said. Lily nodded.  
  
"It's just, it was something I could remember my parents by. I have nothing except picture and still, pictures fade with time…as do lives."   
  
"Lives don't fade, pasts do…" Remus replied absently.  
  
"Remus, what happened in your past?" Lily questioned. Remus sighed, the question was inevitable and he knew he had to answer it eventually.  
  
"Lily," he started, glancing around the common room, which was filled with students, "Let's go somewhere private," he said while grabbing Lily's arm and leading her out of the room. Remus lead her outside, their feet crunched the snow beneath them as they walked. They walked as if they had no direct destination and were just walking to anywhere. They ended up by a rock near the lake, the wind was cold and it bit Lily's cheeks harshly. She shivered slightly and Remus pulled her closer.   
  
"Lily, what I'm going to tell you, you have to promise not to hate me for it," he said grimly. Lily nodded. "Lily…when I was four--I…I was, well…I was bitten by a werewolf," he said quickly. Lily's eyes widened in shock and Remus assumed the worst, he hung his head in shame and was quite surprised when he felt Lily's arms snake around his waist, pulling him into a tight hug.  
  
"I'm sorry Remus. I should've known…I should've noticed that you left every month around the full moon," Lily started and then her face was creased with worry, "Tomorrow night's the full moon," she said. Remus nodded and as if her reminder was right on cue, a rush of pain rushed through Remus' body and he whimpered in pain. "Are you okay?" she asked. Remus nodded weakly.  
  
"It hurts sometimes, before the full moon." Lily nodded in understanding. "I'm really glad you're not turning away from me," he whispered, "I don't think I could stand losing you."  
  
"You know I never would," she said smiling, "That's not me." Remus smiled in return and hugged her. "Let's go back inside, it's freezing out," she said as she jumped off the rock. Remus followed her and winced slightly when he landed, his body still in pain and together they walked back towards the castle, hand in hand, displaying a newfound friendship.  
  
James stared angrily at Lily and Remus as they walked into the common room, talking calmly. What he wouldn't give to be in Remus' place right now.  
  
"This is the Lily that I like," Remus said, "So open, smiling, and seemingly carefree."  
  
Lily's smile disappeared slightly. "Appearances lie." Remus looked confused. Lily shrugged in reply and began to walk away but Remus grabbed a hold of her arm.  
  
"Lily, what was that supposed to mean?"  
  
Lily sighed, "It just means that because I'm happy on the outside, doesn't mean I am happy on the inside. I mean, I really am happy on the inside, just not as much as I could be. It's like an inner battle between emotions, trying to dominate one another." Remus frowned as he and Lily sat down on the far end of the couch where James sat.  
  
"Lily, you know, we're friends now," he said, "You can trust me with anything and I swear I won't tell a single soul. If there's something bothering you, then I want to know," he added, seriously.  
  
"I know," Lily said, looking down at her hands, they seemed fascinating. "It's just sometimes I feel caged, you know? We all create our own prisons, I guess and the crime we've committed is how much we hate ourselves. I mean, it's good to pretend and admit the truth sometimes and so, when you really look closely, you can see that in some strange and complicated way--everyone's beautiful. I wish that I could say I was."  
  
"But Lily, you are beautiful. Merlin, the moment I laid eyes on you, I was mesmerized. Sometimes it seems as though you honestly could be a fallen angel. Please believe me when I say that because I don't lie."  
  
"A fallen angel, Remus? Angels are heavenly creatures and I'm far from heavenly. Thinking of all my past regrets I would probably be one of Satan's minions."  
  
"Okay, I don't mean it like that. I meant that you're as beautiful as an angel. But, you would be far from being one of Satan's minions! I think you're more like a short story."  
  
"A short story?" Lily questioned, trying to suppress a laugh.  
  
"A short story," Remus repeated, "A short story written in words, thoughts, and emotions. You make it longer every day, adding to it each minute. Making it more complex with each and every second that you are alive. You are the writer of this story and you keep writing with this crimson ink. Now, how will your story end? Lifeless? Loveless? Meaningless. Take your pen and start a new chapter in your story. You think that since you are the writer, that you have total control of it all...but you don't."  
  
"I don't? Remus, it's my life. I think I do have control of it," Lily protested.  
  
"There's your publishers, your proofreaders, the editors, and readers. They all have come along to try and change your story, and in someway, they have...without you knowing. They change it all the time. And there's nothing you can do about it."  
  
"Not have friends who try so much to change my life," Lily muttered in reply.   
  
But Remus ignored her and continued on. "So much for your creative edge. So much for your artistic vision. Your story, your life is crumbling. You've realized that you don't have total control and you can't handle it. And it shows in your story and your life. Your story is losing it's heart, and now you've lost yours," he said sadly.  
  
Lily looked at him, her eyes were silently pleading for help while her lips remained motionless, sounds were inaudible, she knew what he said was true.  
  
Finally, she found the words she needed to speak, the words Remus was dying to hear, and the words James was dreading, "Help me find my heart."  
  
James overheard the entire conversation between Remus and Lily and throughout, he had to control his emotions from taking the best of him. But Lily's response had sent him over the edge, it felt as though his heart had been shattered into thousands of bleeding pieces. He felt his blood boil, Remus had advanced on his girl. But a voice in his head quietly reminded him that Lily was not his and though Remus was sure that James had fancied Lily, he could not control his emotions too. Still, James was angered and he threw his quill down in frustration, knocking over his ink bottle. He stormed out of the common room and left his essay on the table, forgotten and unfinished.   
  
The ink stained James' essay, and though they didn't know it then, that black ink would stain their white facade of appearances as their years faded. Peter watched with his mouth agape, utterly confused of the happenings and Sirius turned to Remus, who stood looking at the portrait hole, ready to go after James. But Lily held Remus back, her fingers were wrapped firmly around his wrist and Remus' face was wrinkled with worry and fear. Remus was afraid of James' wrath.  
  
Lily released Remus' wrist slowly after a few moments of thought and watched him as he bolted out of the common room. Ash Lynn motioned for Lily to move down the couch, more towards her, Sirius, and Peter. A clear look of disgust crossed Peter's face and Lily looked at him questioningly but he refused to meet her gaze. She sat where James had sat moments before, the seat still released his warmth and Lily's worried and tense body relaxed slightly. She sighed deeply and stared blankly into the fire.  
  
"What exactly just happened?" Ash Lynn questioned. Lily shrugged. "Are you and Remus..." she started.  
  
"No!" Lily exclaimed, "We're just friends. Friends trying to help one another out in times of need." Ash Lynn looked at her doubtingly. "Honestly, he's just helping me try to figure myself out," she said, noticing Ash Lynn's uncertainty. "And maybe help me find my heart," she added quietly. Ash Lynn smiled knowingly, while Sirius frowned.  
  
"What's wrong Sirius?" Ash Lynn asked.  
  
"Nothing," he said quickly, "I'm going to find Remus and James," he finished as he got up, kissing his girlfriend on the forehead, he walked out of the portrait hole in search of his friends.  
  
Remus caught up with James as he walked briskly out of the Great Hall and onto Hogwarts grounds.  
  
"James!" Remus called after him but James kept walking, ignoring his friends cries. "Please, James, just hear me out!" James turned around and Remus found himself cowering from the sight James was giving.  
  
"Hear you out? Hear what out? Remus, you knew I fancied her. You knew it and you still went after her! I can't believe you!" Remus frowned.  
  
"James, I can't help how my heart feels. Do you want me to go against what my heart says? James, I know you fancy her but I can't help it! Please, I am so sorry, just know this--we're not going out!"  
  
"What about the whole, 'help me find my heart?' I heard you guys talking! Remus, my heart feels as though it's been torn out of my chest!"  
  
"Mate, you don't understand how much turmoil is going on in my life right now! I can't take you being angry at me just because of a girl!" Remus said, almost whining.  
  
"A girl? Lily isn't just a girl, Remus, she's absolutely gorgeous," James said.  
  
"Is that all that matters to you?" Remus spat. "Looks? Bloody hell, James, Lily is more than just looks. If you actually took the time to talk to her, you'd understand her. She has the heart of a dreamer and her thoughts are so profound and meaningful that they could probably even make you rethink your life. She's not just gorgeous, she has more layers than one, you know. If you ever do get the chance to actually see those bottom layers, you'd realize how thin they're becoming. She's losing everything, James, including her heart. And if you're only after her because of what she looks like, then you don't deserve her at all," Remus said angrily as he turned on his heels and left a stunned James standing outside in the bitter cold. James was too preoccupied to even realize he was shivering subconsciously and his face was creased with a frown. Was there more to girls than looks?   
  
Sirius ran into the Great Hall as Remus was storming in from outside. The look on his face was murderous and Sirius was shocked that Remus could get so worked up about something.   
  
"Hey, mate," Sirius timidly said, "Are you alright?"  
  
"Just fine," huffed Remus, his face was still pink from the cold.  
  
"I…er…alright. Uh…have you seen James?"   
  
Remus growled and Sirius stepped back. "He's outside," Remus said angrily, "That bloody prat," he muttered. Sirius frowned but let Remus continue on his angry rampage while he went outside to speak with James.   
  
Sirius found James pacing around the lake, his hair was ruffled from the bitter wind and his face was pale. His hazel eyes were glaring dangerously at the air, as if it were trying to invade his privacy. James' glasses were slowly slipping off his nose but he didn't seem to notice. Sirius began to walk closer to James and the air surrounding him seemed colder than anywhere else. He slowly put his hand on James' shoulder and James stared at him with his tear stained eyes. The eyes that always refused to cry, the eyes that always seemed to betray him--showing every emotion.   
  
"I don't know anymore…" James croaked. His confusion was true and the thought of girls actually being beautiful on the inside? Well, that just seemed ridiculous--at least with all the girls he had dated. But maybe, Lily was different and for James, that was something he needed to find out.  
  
Sirius looked at James sympathetically. "This is up to you James. I can't help you." James nodded despairingly and looked to the snow covered ground, shivering slightly as he now noticed how cold he felt. "C'mon mate, it's time for lunch."   
  
James and Sirius walked side by side into the castle. James was inwardly battling his conscience and Sirius was deep in think. Both were silent and their thoughts went unspoken. They heavy set doors were opened and James felt a wave of warmth rush over his numb body and the color in his skin returned. He sighed heavily and left Sirius at the entrance to the Great Hall.  
  
"I have to go to the common room," James stated before walking away. Sirius walked into the Great Hall and towards the Gryffindor table where Lily and Ash Lynn were deep in conversation and Peter was sitting a few seats away from them, looking quite dejected.  
  
"Jealous? Who does he think he is, that arrogant twit!? Does he think that every girl will go out with him? I'm surprised his big ego can fit through any door," Lily exclaimed angrily, after Ash Lynn said why she thought James had abruptly left. Sirius frowned.  
  
"Lily," he started.  
  
"No, Sirius, don't even try to defend James. If he's going to treat his friends like that just because of me, just because one girl chose someone else over him, I don't even want to speak to him. I met Remus on the way down here, Sirius, you should have seen his face!" Lily sighed in frustration.  
  
"I know, I know. But, I don't know what to do, Lily! This is between Remus and James, I'm not involved."  
  
"It's between Remus and James over me!" Lily miserably said. Ash Lynn patted her back and Sirius stared at his empty plate.  
  
"Where is Remus?" Sirius asked.  
  
"He went wandering," Ash Lynn answered. Lily was playing with the food on her plate and her eyes were unfocused as though she had pulled herself into a different world. Ash Lynn looked up when she heard the doors of the Great Hall opening and saw James walking towards them, a frown on his face. He sat down next to Sirius and buried his face into his hands.  
  
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked. James shook his head, indicating that he didn't feel like talking and Sirius shrugged when Ash Lynn gave him an inquisitive glance.   
  
A few moments later, the doors to the hall opened once more and a haggard looking Remus stumbled in. He didn't look at James at all and sat down next to Lily, staring at the ground. The atmosphere around the Marauders was quiet, Sirius tried to start a conversation but was denied. He sighed and turned around, facing the Slytherins, then at Snape.   
  
Sirius smiled and pulled his wand out and muttered 'tarantallegra.' Sirius watched with amusement as Snape began to dance and grinned with satisfaction when he saw the other Marauders laughing heartily, forgetting their anger for a moment. But as soon as an angry McGonagall undid the spell and Snape stopped dancing, James and Remus stopped talking and looked the other way. Neither said a word to one another, even when McGonagall came over and gave the four Marauders detention and neither spoke when they left the Great Hall.  
  
The Marauders and the two girls walked in the Gryffindor Tower, along with the rest of the Gryffindor house. Lily fell upon the sofa with a sigh and closed her eyes, her stomach lying on the cushions. She felt someone sit next to her and she knew it was Remus. She heard Ash Lynn and Sirius talking in whispers and then leave once more. She didn't know what James and Peter were doing and frankly, she didn't care.   
  
Lily buried her head into the cushions of the sofa but brought her head back up because she found the cushion to be dusty. She coughed slightly and turned onto her back, staring at the ceiling. She heard Remus clear his throat next to her and she brought herself up, resting on her elbows to stare at him with a raised eyebrow. He sadly smiled at her and rested his head on the back of the couch. Lily sat up and made her way next to Remus, she laid her head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her waist.   
  
"I'm sorry about James," he said. "I don't know what to do."  
  
"Remus, don't worry about James. If he really was your true friend, then he'll come through. You can't fight over a girl, especially over me--that's pretty idiotic."  
  
"No it's not!" Remus defended, "I mean, I don't want to lose my friendship with James but still, I can't prevent my heart from loving someone," he added truthfully. Lily smiled and prodded Remus gently.   
  
"Hey!" he said laughing, "That tickles." Lily grinned and poked him again in the side and continued tickling him. Remus grabbed her arms and pulled her on top of him, tickling her instead.  
  
Lily shrieked with glee, "Remus, stop, stop, please!" she pleaded. Remus laughed and stopped tickling her, Lily sighed in relief, breathing heavily from lack of oxygen. Catching her breath, Remus smiled and leaned up, kissing her gently on the lips, and Lily lost her breath again.   
  
Remus stared up at Lily, his amber eyes looking unsurely into her emerald ones. "Oh Merlin, Lily…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…I…" Remus stuttered. Lily rolled her eyes and brought her lips back upon his, kissing him softly. Remus blushed slightly and grinned. James watched from a darkened corner, his lip trembling and jealousy raging through his body. He watched them flirt and he dreamed that he was in Remus' place and how happy he would be. But he wasn't Remus and he never would be, he'd never be with Lily Evans with the way that he acted.   
  
The day passed swiftly and night was upon them. Dinner passed quietly for the Marauders, with the occasional glare from James at Remus and Lily holding hands under the table. Ash Lynn snickered and Sirius grinned cheekily. Remus and Peter were always left behind in the subject of girls but now he felt proud of Remus but still sympathized with James.  
  
Lily and Remus sat alone in the common room that night talking quietly about life.   
  
"What is life?" Remus asked, "I mean really…"  
  
"Life is hell," Lily sighed.   
  
"I suppose," Remus replied, shrugging, "But what iis/i hell?"  
  
"Well, Hell is not the burning, intense flame that scorches the eternal soul. Hell is not a frozen, barren tundra that freezes time and emotions. Hell is a place but it is nothing you could ever wish to experience. It is waking up in the morning to an empty room filled with loneliness, staring at a ceiling that looks just as hopeless as it did the day before," Lily said, on her long explanation of Hell. Remus smiled quietly at her poetic soul, the soul that he loved so much.   
  
Lily started again, "Hell is knowing that the pain of heartache has not faded and may never will. Hell is observing the world with no colors and living among the ashes of shattered hopes and dreams that have been left forever forgotten."  
  
Her voice began to crack, "Hell is losing a friend very dear to you to the consuming death, losing faith and losing sight of the wonders and beauties of this now desolate Earth with closed eyes and staggered breaths, with heartbreaking rhythms. Hell is, it's our fears, every anxiety and suspicion, every questioning thought, Hell is a place that we created with our own overwhelming emotions, it is what we make it seem to be; it is our imagination and our pain. Hell is something you can never fully comprehend; it is not always real.  
  
"It's like, when it seems your life has hit rock bottom and there's no way up and living in denial of the pain you know is there, of living in fear of no escape. It is looking into the eyes of a lover and reading between the lines, nothing's ever fair and nothing is what it ever seems, it is so surreal but so painful that sometimes. It seems death is more welcome than Hell; it's when you can go no further, when you've met your final road block, your final obstacle and you've given up. Hell is feeling the searing pain running its course through your veins, living in constant agony and defeat; running towards soothing misery.  
  
"Can it be anymore? Even after the scars have all faded and the words are no longer visible, Hell will always be there--life will always be there. This is our own Hell, this life we're living. You can't escape, Remus. I...life is against me. It really is," she finished.   
  
Remus hugged her tightly. Then smiled softly, "If life was against you, it'd be against me because then I would never have met you and I would never have fallen for you." Lily smiled gently and Remus kissed her forehead softly.   
  
"It's getting late, we should head up to our dormitories," he said. Lily nodded and the two got up and walked towards the stone stairway. "Lily, does this mean we're...we're a couple?"   
  
"I guess it does," Lily replied, smiling happily for the first time in years. She went to sleep that night dreaming of Remus and not nightmares of life catching up to her. Lily was finally away from life, she was free for now. 


	20. A Mirror Reflected Past

**Chapter Twenty: A Mirror Reflected Past**

_The air was cold and it bit hard. Breath was visible and it cast a silent coat of arms around the breather. Snow fell lightly and landed in tousled gray fur. Amber eyes glared from behind a thicket of darkness that blanketed the woods. The wolf ran after its prey, the adrenaline rush from the screams and cries of its victim. The dark red hair fell down her back, like blood, and the wolf needed the blood. But, the girl quickly turned and faced the wolf and it skidded to a stop, staring at his prey. She glared at him, emerald clashing with ocher and the chase began again. Except now, the predator became the prey and he ran and howled as though each second passing was one more second, he had to live. The evil gleam in her eye made his heart freeze, colder than the air. The glint of a silver dagger flashed brilliantly as the light from the sun reflected like a mirror, blinding him temporarily. His lungs hurt and his heart ached and the dagger was falling faster and faster towards piercing his skin…_  
  
Remus woke with a start. The same nightmare haunted his dreams for days on end, it had no meaning, no purpose, it just was. His face was wet with sweat as if he had been running from the images in his dreams, running on end. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and lay back down again, the room was still dark and dawn was a few hours ago. Remus sighed heavily and looked around. His four roommates were sleeping heavily, Peter was snoring loudly, and Sirius was muttering in his sleep. James and Orien slept peacefully and without noise. Pain ran through his body, reminding him that the full moon was that night. He groaned inwardly and cursed himself, forever times eternity, for the pain he put himself through. Remus yawned sleepily and closed his eyes, falling asleep once more.  
  
Sadly, the sun rose upon the sadder boy, incapable of his own happiness, he resigned to let the sorrow eat away at him. James woke up at the first sight of the mourning sun and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, getting rid of the dried tears. He looked at his pillow, it too was dried with wasted tears, and he punched it hard causing a few feathers to fly out. Looking around the dimly sunlit room, his eyes fell upon Remus and his anger was still present but the dominant emotion at the moment had been despair. Seeing Remus and Lily kissing tore his heart into shattered, irreplaceable pieces that could never be fit together again, a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. There was a cavity in his heart, filled with unwanted melancholy. He needed a girlfriend, a girlfriend that could help him evade this heartache. Sirius coughed and rolled out of his bed, falling to the floor with a crash. The dorm awoke with a fright and Peter got tangled up in his sheets that he too, like Sirius, fell out of his bed. Sirius laughed at Peter and James was oddly reminded of a dog's bark, he smiled at Sirius's carefree nature and threw his pillow at Sirius's head.  
  
"Be quiet, Sirius! People are still trying to sleep without you barking," James said smirking, though his heart felt so different. He was being pulled into two different worlds with two different emotions trying to overshadow one another. He sighed and fell back on his bed and yawned, burying his face in his sheets he breathed in his own familiar scent. He pulled the sheets closer to him and hugged them tight, hoping that he could fall asleep again. But Sirius had a different idea and threw the pillow back at James, hitting him on the side of the face. James groaned and got up and glared at Sirius, who at the moment, had a mischievous glint in his eyes. James understood immediately.  
  
"What do you say?" James asked excitedly. Remus sat on the edge of his bed to listen to Sirius while Peter poked his head up from where he sat on the floor. Sirius grinned and whispered his plan to his three best friends.  
  
The Marauders walked into the Great Hall that morning looking excited, though still tense because of the situation between Remus and James. But it seemed for the moment, they were going to put their differences aside to have fun for a little while. The four sat at the Gryffindor table and piled food onto their plates, trying not to look too conspicuously. Remus looked haggard and pale, his light hair was tousled, and amber eyes were tired. James noticed his friend's appearance and in the back of his mind, he wanted to apologize for everything he said. He wanted things to be normal between them and the silence between them was unbearable. But his tongue refused to let the 'I'm sorry' roll off. His voice box wouldn't work and in someway he thought that it should be Remus to apologize for blowing up in his face over nothing. But it wasn't over nothing. It was over Lily. Lily, Merlin, she was beautiful. 'There I go again…maybe Remus is right.'  
  
James looked up when he felt a small ache in his stomach.  
  
"Where you have been, mate? Lost in your mind somewhere, eh? I've been poking you for ages and you've just been sitting there staring at your food. We have pranks to pull!" Sirius exclaimed. James grinned and looked at Peter and Remus. Peter had the same excited look that Sirius had, plastered on his face. Remus just looked downright tired. He yawned sleepily and rubbed his eyes, it seemed he didn't get much sleep the night before.  
  
"What's the incantation?" Sirius asked Remus. Remus yawned again and mumbled the spell. Sirius' eyes lit up and James tried to bite his tongue, laughing at the moment would make it too obvious that the Marauders pulled the prank, though once it had happened, everyone would know it was the Marauders. No other could ever compare to their pranks.  
  
James and Sirius pulled out their wands and turned themselves to face the Slytherin table. Trying hard not to hit anyone from the other houses with the spell, they moved so they had a clear aim. When James could clearly see Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape clearly, he nudged Sirius with his elbow, signaling it was time.  
  
The wands were trained on Snape and Malfoy and after muttering the incantation, _'homopurpura anatinus'_ James and Sirius burst into laughter. The noise of breakfast in the Great Hall was silenced by the Slytherins who stood up in shock. For standing on their table stood two purple ducks right where Snape and Malfoy had been sitting. Remus laughed weakly and clapped Sirius on the back and Peter sat clapping excitedly. McGonagall stormed from the teacher's table to reverse the spell and marched over to the Marauders.  
  
"Well, hello my dear Professor McGonagall!" Sirius said cheerfully, "Lovely day isn't it," he cheekily added. McGonagall was fuming.  
  
"You four, add another detention to your list and twenty points from Gryffindor! I'll send a note to you four this evening as to when you are to serve your two detentions!" she reprimanded, heading back towards the table. The Marauders saw a little smirk playing on Professor Dumbledore's lips and they smiled broadly.  
  
Lily stared at the Marauders sulkily. 'Always pulling pranks on other people--have no decency.' She poked her food with her fork but her stomach refused hunger.  
  
"You going to eat?" Ash Lynn asked. Lily shook her head and lay her head down tiredly. Ash Lynn raised a questioning eyebrow but didn't press her further.  
  
"So Remus," Sirius started, looking at his friend curiously, "Are you and Lily are couple now?" he asked, grinning. Lily coughed and Remus scratched his head nervously.  
  
"Well…uh…" he looked at James, worriedly. James shrugged and gave Remus a reassuring smile, as though their problems had been lightened slightly. "…maybe, I suppose," Remus stuttered. Sirius laughed and Remus blushed slightly.  
  
It seemed that things between the Marauders were all right for the moment but Remus and James kept shooting each other glances that were obviously of wonderment and anxiety. Conversations were bare that morning except for when Sirius kept bringing up the fact that Malfoy and Snape were ducks this morning and not just any ducks, they were purple ducks. Ash Lynn rolled her eyes but complimented the boys on their accomplishment.  
  
Lily got up suddenly and grabbed her books; her plate of food was forgotten and uneaten. The Marauders and Ash Lynn watched Lily as she walked out of the Great Hall and turned towards the dungeons, heading towards their first class, Potions.  
  
"What's wrong with her this morning?" Sirius asked.  
  
"I have absolutely no idea," Ash Lynn said, "But I'm going to head to Potions too and maybe talk to her. See you guys in a bit," she said as she got up and followed Lily's steps out of the Great Hall.  
  
"Hey Lils!" Ash Lynn greeted as she sat next to her at their Potions bench.  
  
"'Lo," Lily mumbled from behind the pages of a book.  
  
"What are you reading?" Ash Lynn asked.  
  
"A book," Lily replied.  
  
"Lils, what's wrong? You were fine last night with Remus and now this morning you're a complete stranger. What happened?"  
  
"Nothing," Lily shrugged.  
  
"Lily, it is something. You can't just change your personality overnight and expect me to believe that it was nothing!"  
  
"Why does everyone have to be in my business?" Lily exclaimed angrily, "Can't I have a just a few seconds to myself without people constantly asking me if I'm alright?! I'm not fragile; I'm not going to break. I don't need anyone to watch me like a hawk every second and swoop down on me every time I show the slightest trace of being sad!  
  
Is it wrong for me to be sad? Can't I be sad for no reason? Can't some random memory just pop up and cause me to rethink my life and all the mistakes I've ever made? What if I wanted to relive my life and every mistake I ever made, what if I changed my route in life? What if…Merlin, I'm sick of asking myself what if? I'm sick of answering those questions for everyone else. Why can't people leave me be?!" she cried out, slamming her book on the table.  
  
"I don't know, Lily, I don't know," Ash Lynn replied sadly, pulling her friend into a hug as Lily cried.  
  
"I want my parents back," she whispered.  
  
"I know you do. I'd want my parents back to if I could never see them again. Merlin knows that I would go to the end of the world to bring them back for you but I can't. I want you to be happy. Be happy with Remus, have fun, enjoy life. Stop worrying about the little things and the big things. Push them aside and let yourself enjoy what you have before your life slips away before your eyes." Lily sighed and nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes. She stared at the ground as the rest of the class filed in for the morning's potions lesson.  
  
Remus glanced at Lily and bit his bottom lip, having the urge to walk up to her and hug her tightly, to protect her from all the evils in her life. James looked at Remus and saw the wanting in his eyes, he looked at Lily and saw all the pain and heartache she felt in her life. He felt a connection to her that he could not identify and for the faintest moment, he felt as though he could see her soul. Though, it seemed so distant and cold, it was fragile and beautiful. Her mind was so poetic in the ways she could express her emotions and he knew right then that he needed her to complete him. But she was so far away, she was Remus' now and it seemed as though she would never be his. For the moment, he thought he needed someone else, just some other girl to temporarily fill the hole in his heart, but that little hole could only be completed by Lily.  
  
Morning classes passed quickly and without interest, Sirius and James didn't even jinx anyone between classes in the hall. Lily seemed quite surprised and her mood improved very little that morning. Sirius spent lunch between talking with Ash Lynn and doing homework for Charms. Remus tried to engage Lily in a conversation but she was absorbed in writing in her diary.  
  
"Lily?" he asked, nudging her slightly.  
  
"Hmm?" she replied, looking up from her diary, into his reproachful eyes.  
  
"Something bothering you?"  
  
"Everything's always a bother," she replied. Remus' face furrowed with worry. "I received a letter last night…" Lily started, "From my sister."  
  
"Oh," Remus asked, apparently confused.  
  
Lily smiled sadly, "She hates me. She truly, honestly hates me," Lily seethed. "Well, she so kindly informed me last night that she was moving in with her boyfriend and that she never wanted to ever see me again. Never." Remus sighed and hugged Lily, resting his head on her shoulder.  
  
"Sorry," he muttered into her robes.  
  
"It's not your fault. But with my parents gone…and my sister abandoning me, who do I have left?" she asked. Lily was afraid of being alone.  
  
Remus looked up and stared intently into her eyes. "You have me," Remus said confidently, "You'll always have me."  
  
"But knowing my luck, Fate will take you away from me."  
  
Remus sighed, "If Fate doesn't want us together…then it happens. But no matter what Fate says, it can't stop how I feel."  
  
"How do you feel?"  
  
"I feel…" Remus paused for a moment to think before he spoke, "I feel as though I'm floating on air. When I'm around you, butterflies are swarming in my stomach and I want to be sick with nervousness and excitement. I feel ecstatic around you. Lily, if you haven't figured it out yet, I was the one who wrote that letter to you. I've watched you from afar and your pain is so intense. It hurts me, my heart breaks every time I see you cry and I want to cry too. Both our lives have been full of heartache and pain, why can't we share the pain, to ease it? Lily, I…I think I'm in love with you."  
  
Lily's heart stopped beating for a second and her voice was caught in her throat, her only response was a stutter and then a jumble of words that came out at the same time. Remus bit his lip nervously. "Sorry, I probably shouldn't have said that."  
  
Lily looked at Remus mournfully. "Remus, I'm afraid to fall in love," she said timidly. "I'm afraid that if I fall for you, I won't be able to find my way back. I'm afraid that my sadness will overshadow me and you won't want to be with me anymore. I'm afraid of loving and then losing. I don't want to lose anyone anymore.  
  
"I'm scared to get close to people. Whether they're friends or whatever, it seems that every time I get close to someone, they always have to go away. Maybe it's to teach me how life goes on and how I shouldn't depend on people so much, or maybe I just trust the wrong people."  
  
Remus sighed heavily before replying. "Lily, one day you will find your one true love and you will know. You'll feel those butterflies in your stomach and your knees will get so weak that you feel you don't have the strength to walk when you're around him. He may not be me and maybe I'll never get the chance to be yours or anyone's true love, but when you find him, I'll always be here for you."  
  
Lily smiled gently. "I'm glad, and Remus, I know for a fact that you will find someone who will love you. Perhaps one day it will be me," she replied, squeezing Remus' knee lightly. Remus rested his hand on Lily's lower back and his head on hers. He smiled in her hair; she was so intoxicating that he wanted to get drunk of her smell.   
  
"It's time for Herbology," Remus said suddenly. Lily nodded and gathered her books, standing up, she glanced around the Great Hall and down the Gryffindor table. She saw Ash Lynn sitting with the other Marauders, Lily caught her eye and Ash Lynn gave her a reassuring smile.  
  
Lily and Remus walked over to the Marauders and greeted them. Lily waited for Ash Lynn to gather her things before the two walked to Herbology together, leaving the Marauders to themselves. Sirius gave both Remus and James a pat on the back and dragged Peter with him to catch up to the girls, giving Remus and James time alone to speak out their feelings. The two began to talk while walking towards the Herbology greenhouses.  
  
"James--"  
  
"Remus, look, I'm sorry. I was a jerk," James said. Remus sighed.  
  
"I shouldn't have been so harsh on you…"  
  
"No, Remus, you were being honest. I really want to change though, Remus." Remus smiled fondly at the nickname given to him by the Marauders and inside he deeply regretted ever becoming angry with James.  
  
"I don't know what to do though James. I don't want to lose you as a friend, there aren't many people out there who could accept a werewolf for who he really is," Remus said sadly, looking down towards his shoes in shame, "But I've never felt happier than when I'm with Lily. I don't want to have to choose."  
  
James sighed heavily and knew the burden his friend must be carrying. At the moment, the new and improved James Potter decided to take a turn at speaking. "Rem, you don't have to choose. Stay with Lily and still be my friend, it's the only way. I won't mind, I won't...I just want you to be happy. I don't know what else you could do…"  
  
"James, why do you want to change so much?" Remus asked curiously.  
  
"Even if I can never get Lily to love me back, I want to be her friend. I don't want to be left out in the dark while everyone else knows how she's feeling or what she's doing. I don't want her to feel scared or shy around me. I want to know the real Lily Evans, to know her the way you know her."  
  
"James, you shouldn't change yourself just for one person. You are you. I don't know why anyone would change who they've already become to be accepted by one person."  
  
"But I want to change as well. I hate who I've become, so arrogant and self-centered…"  
  
"If you were self-centered you wouldn't care so much about your friends," Remus butted in. James sighed and shrugged in response. "I mean, if you really want to change, go ahead. Just don't change too much. We still want to know our old James."  
  
"Of course, Remmy. I wouldn't become a whole new person. I just think I should become more understanding of people's feelings. I want to know Lily beyond her looks."  
  
"Well, if you put it that way, I'm sure she'd love to know you as well," Remus smirked.  
  
"Are you being sarcastic?" James questioned.  
  
"Oh, look, we're at Herbology!" Remus said, changing the subject. James looked at him questioningly but Remus smiled knowingly and James punched Remus lightly. "Hey, hey, violence isn't the answer!" the two boys walked in the greenhouse laughing quietly to themselves before taking their seats as   
  
"So, I take it you worked things out," Sirius stated as James sat next to him.  
  
"I take it that we did," James replied.  
  
"Well, what happened?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Mr. Black! I am trying to conduct a class here!" a voice shrieked from the front of the classroom.  
  
"Sorry, professor," Sirius said lightly. Professor Humus huffed angrily and continued with her lesson.  
  
"I'll tell you later," James whispered and surprisingly, the two paid attention the rest of class without further disruptions.  
  
The rest of afternoon classes passed too fast for comfort and the Marauders found themselves sitting at dinner with Ash and Lily reading a note McGonagall had just given them informing them of their detention.  
  
Remus groaned and banged his head upon the table. The others looked up slightly alarmed. "The Dark Forest tomorrow night and on a Saturday? I'm sure that's going to be a ball," he mumbled tiredly. The others looked at him sympathetically. The effects of the full moon were taking their toll and Remus was to be leaving for the infirmary promptly after dinner.  
  
"Well, you could at least eat something," Ash Lynn said, poking Remus' food with her fork.  
  
"He's not going to want it after your fork's touched it. Ash Lynn germs," Lily said with a disgusted look on her face but smiling at her friend. Ash Lynn looked shocked and Remus looked up slightly to grin--there was that hidden humour in Lily that always lightened up his mood, it made him feel as though her entire world wasn't all completely depressing. "Eat just a little bit," she urged Remus until he finally gave in.  
  
"If you're going to get Moony to eat, Lils, you might as well eat something yourself," James added, "You're turning into a stick, love."   
  
"I am not!" Lily replied dignifiedly. Ash Lynn snorted into her goblet of pumpkin juice.  
  
"The hell you aren't."  
  
Lily growled, "And don't call me love!" James looked quite ruffled and stared as his food in dismay. All he wanted to do was help her. "What are you doing?" Lily exclaimed as she say Ash piling her plate full of food.  
  
"You're going to eat!" she replied as if it were the simplest answer in the world. Lily looked at Ash Lynn in disbelief and revulsion. "Don't give me that look, here, it's simple. What you do first, is put a fork in your hand, then, you pick food up with the fork and place it into your mouth where you chew, swallow, and then digest. Not as hard as you think it is, my dearest friend."   
  
"I am not eating all that," Lily objected.  
  
"Of course not. I'm sure James and Sirius would love to eat more than half of your dinner for you, even after eating their own." The two boys grinned cheekily at the mention of their name and started devouring Lily's food. "But they're going to save some for you, right?"  
  
The boys nodded with their mouths full and Lily laughed. She finally picked up her food and ate some potatoes. Ash Lynn nodded her approval.  
  
"Feels better to eat something different than toast everyday?" she asked, sternly looking at Lily. Lily avoided her glare and shrugged nonchalantly. Ash Lynn gave up but at least she got her to eat something. Students slowly got up to leave the hall and Remus got up to head to the infirmary.  
  
"See you tomorrow morning, Moony," Sirius said.   
  
"Good night, all," he said as he looked around and gave everyone a quick smile goodbye, he then stooped down and gave Lily a swift kiss on the cheek.  
  
"Bye Remus," she said quietly. He left silently and moved easily through the crowd as he headed towards the infirmary, ready to be lead into the Whomping Willow where he would feel the most pain he ever felt in his life.  
  
The remainder of the group made their way up towards the Gryffindor common room where they spent the night doing homework and playing Exploding Snap, when they heard the occasional muffled howl from Remus, Lily felt his pain and a chill went down her spine.  
  
Later that night, James and Sirius lay awake in their four-poster beds and talked to each other of the past couple of weeks. James discussed his plan of changing himself and his attitude and Sirius expressed the same concerns as Remus. But James was so set upon doing this for himself, for others, and for Lily that there was nothing that Sirius could say to make him change his mind. They talked about Remus and how happy they were for him, they talked about life and how it seemed nothing could go wrong. It felt good to have a best friend to talk things through with. James was glad he had Sirius but his mind was still preoccupied with thoughts of Lily.  
  
"What's wrong, mate?" Sirius asked as he turned over in his bed to stare at James, whose bed was beside his.  
  
"Lily." James asked.  
  
"The only way you're going to have Miss. Evans is in your dreams," he stated jokingly.  
  
"I have no dreams!" James responded angrily, sitting up instantly. Sirius glanced surprised at him and gestured at him with his hands to quiet down, their roommates were sleeping. "My dreams died the night that she stole my heart! She is my one and only dream. Every time I close my eyes, I see her beauty--that painful beauty that covers every inch of her body and soul. The sun beats down on my eyes, blinding me from everything but her and every time she stares at me, there are knives in my heart. My love is lost and how is there life without love? Love is the fear in the back of my mind and without fear, there is no hate. Without love, there is no emotion, no feeling but pain and those graceful skies watch me with sympathy in my eyes. The bloody stars sympathize me!" James collapsed back onto his bed, "What is she doing to me?" he mumbled.  
  
"You love her," Sirius responded, smiling ear to ear.  
  
"I'm being serious!" James exclaimed.  
  
Sirius stopped smiling and turned back over so he was staring at the canopy of his bed. "So was I." James frowned. The duo was silent for the rest of the night and soon James could hear the sound of Sirius's heavy breathing from the bed beside his. He sighed and got up again, pulling his bathrobe around him. He walked towards the door and pulled it open quietly and glanced back at Sirius once more before heading towards the common room to think by the fire. What he didn't expect was that there was another who couldn't sleep that night.  
  
The moon. It hung low that night beneath the stars. The stars reflected the anguish and pain felt by Remus during transformations. His cries were deafened by the roaring fires within Hogwarts. Fur sprouted, covering an entire body, robes were ripped and torn, and a nose grew longer, into a snout. Those mournful amber eyes that expressed every pain he had ever felt remained the same. Heartache was frequent as was loneliness. Who could ever love a monstrous creature? A werewolf? It only occurred once a month but it seemed to be a daily routine for him, always hiding within the shadows of the night, away from prying eyes. It seemed that before, love was not a privilege he could obtain. It was beyond his reach, beyond the full moon. But he did love; it was what he needed love to keep his heart beating. He wondered what would Fate do, if another fell in love with him? So it seemed that one had and Fate had yet to make its second move. Would Fate tear two young lovers apart? She loved him for who he was, love. No, NO. She did not love him, he reminded himself,—she only cared about him. She didn't care about his lycanthropy; she didn't care about the monster he became monthly. She cared about him, about Remus Lupin, not the werewolf. But she did not love him, she was afraid to love. Afraid to lose what had never been hers to have, but Remus loved her--wasn't that enough? The tormented werewolf quickly glanced at its reflection in the old, dust-covered mirror and howled in anguish. He sat down and began gnawing at his foot, to him; pain was deemed necessary.


	21. Freeze the Moment

**Chapter Twenty-One: Freeze the Moment**

"James!" Ash Lynn looked up surprised from where she sat before the fire. "What are you still doing up?"  
  
"I can't sleep," he admitted as he sat down beside her on the large, crimson chair.  
  
"Me neither. Lily is though, finally and I'm glad for her. It seems the one night she finally gets her sleep, I can't get mine," she said laughing quietly.  
  
"Are you worried about her?" James asked, staring intently at Ash Lynn, searching for answers.  
  
"To be honest, yes and no. Yes because I know how fragile Lily is and well, the death of her parents is a real shock to her. Plus, that leaves her with her older sister whom despises the very ground Lily walks one. No because despite the fact that she is very fragile, Lily is strong, she's a fighter. How do you think she made it this far? She hasn't given up yet and I doubt she will." James smiled gently and sighed. "Do you still fancy her?"  
  
"I do," he whispered, "But I have no idea what to do. Remus and I just patched up our friendship; we've been friends for too long to let a girl get in between us. But yet again, this is no ordinary girl."  
  
"I'm not going to say or do anything to make you and Remus have another row, not at all. But I will say this. Just follow your heart. Remus made that argument before, you can as well. Don't just sit on the side of the dance; join in, if you know what I mean. But James, if you really like Lily as much as I think you do, you won't take away her happiness. Please," Ash Lynn said as she got up from the couch. James nodded, in deep thought. "Good night, James. I hope you find what you're looking for."  
  
"Me too, Ash, me too...for the sake of all of us," he said into the gathering darkness.  
  
The Saturday morning dawned gloomy and cool and James found himself being prodded by a very awake looking Sirius.  
  
"Sirius, geroff me," James muttered in his sleep and suddenly wondered why his morning sounded louder than usual. He got up and looked around to realize that he had fallen asleep in the common room the night before and that half the Gryffindors were there. Ash Lynn was sitting on an armchair looking very tired with Lily at her feet, writing in her diary. Peter was no where to be seen, neither was Remus. "Where's Moony?" he asked suddenly.  
  
Sirius looked up as though he hadn't noticed it before. Remus was usually always waiting for them in the common room when they awoke the next morning. "I don't know," he said, looking worried. Lily looked up from writing and stared inquisitively at the boys before her. "He's not been here in the morning sometimes before," Sirius finished after thinking for a while.  
  
"Only if he's...in the infirmary!" James exclaimed as he sat up suddenly and dashed towards the portrait hole with Sirius, Ash Lynn, and Lily following right at his heels and many heads (particularly girls') heads turned to see where they were headed to. The trio came to a halt in front of the infirmary door and tried to sneak in but Madame Pomphrey had spotted that as though she was watching out for them.  
  
"No, no, no! You will not disturb my patient!" she reprimanded. "I knew you would be coming here, he needs his rest, what he does not need is a group of trouble makers keeping him awake!"  
  
The group sighed until they faintly heard Remus mumbling to let them in. Madame Pomphrey turned around and walked to Remus' bed and gave him a talk, finally, she walked back towards them and looked defeated. She waved them in and they rushed to Remus' bed. It took Lily a lot of courage to stop from gasping out loud from the sight.  
  
Remus looked tired and very worn, like he always did. But he had bandages wrapped tightly around his arms, already stained quite heavily with blood.  
  
"Can't she stop the blood?" James asked, staring at his wounds.  
  
"I won't let her," Remus replied, burying his head deeper into the pillow.  
  
"Why not?" Sirius exclaimed angrily.  
  
"You wouldn't understand," Remus emphasized, "Just leave it be." James looked curiously at Remus and then at Lily before speaking.  
  
"Sirius, I think we should go get some breakfast," he said, motioning towards Lily. Sirius understood as well.  
  
"Sorry, mate. I hope you feel better," Sirius said as he left, holding Ash Lynn's hand.  
  
"Talk to you later, Moony."  
  
"Bye Padfoot, Prongs, Ash Lynn," Remus said as they left. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again to look at Lily and smile. "What's wrong?" he asked Lily, placing his hand gently on her cheek.  
  
"You," she replied sadly as she sat down on the edge of his bed. "Why wouldn't you let her help you? I'd understand."  
  
"I know you would. It's just I felt I needed the pain as a reminder."  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"Of what? A reminder of how much of a monster I am, how much I'm feared and loathed. A reminder of how I'll never be as happy as any man because honestly, no one will ever love a werewolf," he replied, half angrily and half sadly.  
  
Lily opened her mouth to speak but thought better of it. "When can you get out of here?" she asked instead.  
  
"As soon as Madame Pomphrey allows me. Probably never, that witch likes to hassle me, always keeping me in here for some reason or another."  
  
As soon as he spoke those words, Madame Pomphrey came bustling out with a vial of some blue liquid, "It's for the pain, dear," she answered Lily's confused expression. "Drink it, Mr. Lupin, and I'll allow you to leave," she said. Remus quickly grabbed the vial and downed the contents. "Well, someone is awfully anxious to leave," she replied.  
  
"More than you know," Remus said as he hopped out of bed, wincing slightly. Lily could notice that one of his ankles, as well was bandaged tightly. "Erm...Lily?" Remus looked up at Lily, slightly flustered, "Could you wait outside? I need to change." Lily laughed lightly and sat down beside the infirmary door, waiting for Remus to come out.  
  
Remus came out of the infirmary looking tired but quite happy to leave. He grabbed Lily's wrist and pulled her to her feet. "Want some breakfast?" he asked. Lily nodded and walked with Remus to the Great Hall for breakfast, watching Remus limp slightly as they went. They walked into the hall, hand in hand, and found seats beside their friends, though it was hard, for James was surrounded by a crowd of girls.  
  
"Moony! You're out!" Sirius exclaimed happily as he ate another slice of bacon.  
  
"Morning all," he replied. "Good morning, Wormtail! I didn't see you earlier."  
  
"I overslept," Peter mumbled.  
  
"Oh, alright," Remus said as he grabbed some bacon off of Sirius' plate.  
  
"Oi, what do you think you're doing?" he cried out.  
  
"Eating breakfast," Remus replied with a grin. Everyone laughed and it felt as though good times had returned. Lily reached for a piece of toast and took a bite.  
  
"You're not going back to just toast, are you?" Ash Lynn asked worriedly.  
  
"No," Lily replied, "I just don't like eating a heavy breakfast. Though I can tell that these dogs don't mind."  
  
"Who are you calling dogs?" James asked, "Sirius is the only dog I see here," he added.  
  
Sirius howled and banged the table with his fist, laughing heartily and causing a great deal of attention to be drawn to him. Ash Lynn punched James lightly on the arm for calling her boyfriend a dog and the atmosphere of breakfast seemed much lighter than it had been, with everyone. For lately, with the rise of a dark wizard, "Lord Voldemort" as he called himself, Hogwarts seemed very tense. Many students had lost families as Lily had. Hogwarts was grief stricken. But as of today, it seemed that the mood had brightened and the students were looking forward to going outside, it was snowing quite heavily outside and it was perfect for a snowball fight.  
  
Twenty minutes later, the Marauders found themselves standing outside with snow falling heavily upon them like fleece. Almost all of the student population was outside in the snow, enjoying the cool air and pleasant silence that encompassed them. The Marauders stood still for a moment taking in the serene scene before they were struck from behind by a bombardment of snowballs. They turned around to find Ash Lynn and Lily laughing hysterically, their cheeks were pink with cold, and snow sprinkled their hair like dust. The boys remained still in amazement for the girls looked so innocent and beautiful that they were shocked. They had never seen them so carefree before, their faces not lined with worry and fear.  
  
"Hello?" Ash Lynn called laughing at their dazed expression. The boys recovered quickly and quickly hurled snowballs back at the girls. They all missed except Peter's who hit Lily directly in the face. He looked at her in shock, not expecting his throw to hit her. Peter had terrible aim.  
  
"Merlin, that's cold," she screeched, trying to wipe the snow off her face. Sirius and Ash Lynn had fallen to the floor in fits of laughter and Lily was kicking snow over Ash Lynn's fallen body. Remus ran up to Lily and hugged her, laughing himself. "It's not funny! It's freezing!" Remus still laughed slightly but helped wipe the snow away from her face; his hands were warm against her cold face. Lily buried her face into his cloak and hugged him tightly.  
  
"It's alright, Lils," he chuckled, "It's just cold."  
  
"Just cold...just cold," she muttered to herself looking up at Remus in amusement. He smiled at her and rested his forehead against hers before being pulled to the ground by James, who had grabbed Remus' cloak as support as he had fallen beneath an attack of snowballs. Lily, who still had a hold of Remus, fell on top of him and she laughed happily as the snow began to fall heavier.  
  
Remus looked up into her emerald green eyes and felt himself drowning in her soul, he then kissed Lily beneath the snowfall. Lily gazed at Remus and was happier than she had ever been. Their lips met again with anticipation in a long awaited dance for two and their grip never wanted to falter. The stars had died for the night and set the music for their slow embrace. They were clutching to each other in the cold but feeling oblivious to it all, they felt no cold.  
  
Afternoon was drawing near and the snow began to taper off. The students slowly began to file back into the school to find warmth and a warm meal waiting for them when they returned to the Great Hall. Lunch had passed and the Marauders were warming up beside the fire, the common room was almost empty for the snow had begun again and most of the younger students were outside once more. Lily was writing in her diary and Ash Lynn was reading over her shoulder, smiling unstoppably. Lily laughed at her friend's appearance.  
  
"What are you smiling about?" she asked curiously.  
  
"You're writing. It seems to have gotten a bit happier and it's...well it's amazing," Ash admitted. Lily blushed.  
  
"Am I going to have the pleasure of reading this?" Remus asked, looking up from his game of Wizard's Chess with James.  
  
Ash Lynn grinned, "Well I hope so...I should think it's written about you!" Lily's eyes widened in shock and she hit Ash Lynn with a pillow. "He would have figured it out anyway, Lils." Lily rolled her eyes and finished writing.  
  
"Check mate!" Remus said happily. James groaned. "How many times has that been?" he asked teasingly.  
  
"Oh be quiet, Remus." Remus smiled and got up to sit back down again next to Lily.  
  
"You done, m'lady?" he asked. Lily nodded and handed Remus her diary then climbed onto the sofa to read her work again, over his shoulder.  
  
Freeze the Moment  
  
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs to a world that is deaf to a lonely dreamer's cries. The wind is blowing my hair, temporarily blinding me for a moment; maybe I'll slip and fall from this ledge I'm hanging on to. Perhaps, only then, would I be able to listen without fear of knowing that no one will listen to me in return. The air is screaming so loudly and it's stinging my eyes until I tear or maybe I really am crying. I'm afraid to fall but at the moment it seems that that is all I can do. The wind will hold me tightly, unlike friends, it's always there. I have something that I can put faith into, to hope that it will catch me when I fall. I know that I've fallen fifty times more and each time, I was left to try and catch myself because those familiar faces were just a blur that I'm not even sure they were there. _Oh, but we were, you just couldn't see us._ I am not going to put my trust into something I know won't last forever. I have lost faith in things that are abstract because I know that they aren't always there. Will you be there for me?  
  
As a dreamer, I believe in things that aren't always there but I'm not sure friendship is something that I would depend my life upon. So many broken alliances have made me weaker and I'm finding myself not even bothering to defend myself against those who try to bring me down, I find no point in speaking, no one ever listens anyway. As a dreamer, I want things that some have never even thought of having and for this I have been labeled a liar. I want to be believed in. _Oh, but you are believed in._ I want you to believe in me. Will you?  
  
The sea below seems to be coming so much closer, I can smell the salinity and I can almost taste it. _Oh, but you can, it's the tears you are crying. _My eyes feel so dry and my lips are chapped and cracked. If I run my tongue along it, I can taste the bitter metallic blood and I want to bite down harder and savor a little bit more blood. That cold, harsh water seems so welcoming; it's even colder than the emotions around my splintered heart. Dear, the sky is darkening and threatening. It's raining. How I love the rain, like the angels are crying their misery. As if they were crying for those who cannot cry anymore because they are too weary to even mumble their goodbyes. Sometimes it's hard to imagine not being one of those tiresome nighttime wanderers, crying their way through dreams. Freeze me in the moment. I want to be so close to the sea to be able to see the tiny ripples spreading like wildfire through the waves. Though I am frozen, my tears are warm and still falling freely from my empty eyes, they make such beautiful ripples. Have you ever noticed?  
  
Kiss me with your warm lips; can you see your love tingling through my body? Unfreeze me. Crash. The water is suffocating me because no matter how hard I struggle, the surface just keeps on falling farther from my reach. I want to try and breathe but I keep on swallowing water and it's burning my esophagus like acid. My eyes are watering because I can't find the strength to blink. I find your hand breaking through the surface and maybe this once, I'll actually believe in someone. You are far from abstract, darling, and you are beautiful. My savior because your fingers are pulling at me so hard that when I reach the surface, I'll gasp for air and you'll kiss me gently, letting me lose myself again. I suppose that even as a dreamer and after I lose faith in everything else, beside the wind, your love will always be there. And though love is intangible, you are so real and though I feel unreal, you bring me back to life. I guess love is something that will always be there even when you can't see it because once again, it's saved me from drowning. _Never say you'll let go._  
  
"I don't want to let go," Remus whispered in Lily's ear as he closed her diary and handed it back to her. "It was beautiful," he finished in a normal tone. Lily smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck; Remus tilted his head back and kissed the bottom of Lily's jaw gently.  
  
"Get a room you two," Ash Lynn scoffed.  
  
"Why don't you grab Sirius and get your own room," Lily replied, throwing another pillow at her friend. Ash Lynn grinned mischievously as Sirius looked up from the parchment where he was drawing random pictures. Sirius got up and took Ash Lynn's outstretched hand, leading her out of the common room in a fit of giggles.  
  
"I wasn't being serious," Lily said, rolling her eyes. Remus grinned and stared at Lily for a moment, smiling happily to himself. "What are you looking at?" Lily asked curiously. Remus looked away and gazed at James then to return his eyes to Lily, pretending as though he had no clue what she was talking about. "You aren't that smart, Mr. Lupin," she responded to his confused look, "Your eyes were clearly plastered on moi."  
  
"Well, yes they were," Remus started, "But for no reason except to look at you." Peter coughed from a corner and stuck a finger in his mouth as though he were gagging. Remus shot him a dirty look and he quickly picked up the Charms book in front of him to cover his face.  
  
"Just because you don't have a girlfriend, Peter, doesn't mean you can make fun of those who do," James said.  
  
"Well then, help me find a girlfriend," Peter stated as though it was obvious.  
  
James grinned excitedly. "Do you mean it?" Peter shrugged and stared helplessly at Remus to get him out of this one but Remus just smiled and nodded to James.  
  
"I wasn't being serious," protested Peter.  
  
"I think it's a simply wonderful idea," Remus grinned. So, James grabbed Peter from the corner where he sat and dragged him out of the common room in suit of the perfect girl.  
  
"I think it would be nice if Peter had a girlfriend. Maybe he wouldn't be so sour, I think he just feels left out that everyone has a girlfriend but him," Lily said as she stared at the closing portrait hole.  
  
"James doesn't have a girlfriend," Remus put in.  
  
"Which surprises me," Lily muttered, "That boy usually has a girl hanging off his arm each day."  
  
"He's not as bad as you think he is, Lils."  
  
"Easy for you to say. Ever since I've become friends...well sort of, I guess with your "group" James had always been trying to talk to me or touch me. I mean, he doesn't anymore because I'm with you but...I had the feeling he _liked_ me."  
  
"Well, James is a good enough friend to know his limits," Remus tried hard to make James look good in Lily's eyes, "Give him a chance. You need his friendship as much as he needs yours." Lily sighed in defeat and nodded while Remus smiled and kissed her lips tenderly. "You won't regret it," he whispered.


	22. These Stars are For You

**Chapter Twenty-Two: These Stars are For You**

_Give James a chance._ It was quite difficult to imagine her giving such an ignorant, conceited oaf like James Potter a chance. However, Lily decided that she would make one last effort to at least be friendly towards him; he was after all, one of Remus' closest friends. But there was just something about James that made Lily dislike him. It could have been his tendencies to mess his horribly untidy hair up even more, or his constant need to jinx any Slytherin that walked within two feet of him.  
  
"Perhaps it's also because he's better at Transfiguration than you are," Ash Lynn piped in as she walked into the girls dormitory and then quickly added, looking at Lily's confused look, "Well, you were muttering to yourself-it wasn't very difficult to pick up on what you were rambling on about." Lily blushed and did not reply.  
  
"Remus is right, Lily," she started again, "Gives James a chance, he isn't that bad, honestly. He may be a bit...arrogant but he's getting better. He's a great listener and he gives excellent advice."  
  
"You've taken his advice before?" Lily asked incredulously.  
  
"I'm friends with you aren't I?" Ash Lynn replied, winking.  
  
"I...well...erm," Lily hadn't expected an answer like that, "Wait a moment...how did you know that Remus told me to give James a chance?" It was no Ash Lynn's turn to become flustered.  
  
"Well, you see, me and Sirius, we...ah-well time for dinner, don't you think?" she finally asked, grinning cheekily.  
  
Lily raised an eyebrow but didn't say a word. She quietly followed Ash Lynn down into the slowly emptying common room where last minute students were straggling out of the portrait hole towards the Great Hall for dinner.  
  
The Marauders were already there, gorging on food as though they had never eaten before. It seemed they were already on their third helping of chops by the time Lily and Ash Lynn sat down.  
  
"Hungry?" Ash Lynn inquired.  
  
"Starving!" Sirius exclaimed, "A growing boy needs his food."  
  
"In that case," Remus added, "Peter should take fifths; he's never going to grow."  
  
"Sure he is! We can fix that, can't we Sirius?" James replied, eyeing Peter beadily while fingering his wand. Peter squeaked in fright, swallowed the remainder of his food, and sprinted from the Great Hall before Sirius could even reply.  
  
"That boy just keeps getting odder by the day," Ash Lynn commented, seemingly bemused.  
  
"Which reminds me," Lily suddenly said, "How did your plans go in finding him a girlfriend, James?" James choked on the pumpkin juice he had been swallowing; quite surprised that Lily was talking to him in a calm manner.  
  
But he quickly reposed himself, "Not too good. Apparently, the girls think that he's too short and pudgy, and his eyes are too watery-makes him look like he's 'bout to cry. They also think he looks too timid and that he's afraid of making commitments."  
  
"Oh, I...I see," Lily replied, "Well, I'm sure that Peter didn't take that too well."  
  
James furrowed his brow. "Actually, he did, he took it quite well. It didn't seem to bother him really, he kind of let himself down as well—said they were right and no girl would ever like him, shouldn't have even bothered. He went on this long rant about being worthless and that the Marauders shouldn't even be his friends, he should be a loner or something of the sort. Yet he came to dinner after acting as though he never said a word, it was kind of odd."  
  
"Like I said, he gets odder every day," Ash Lynn restated.  
  
James shrugged and finished off his meal before starting on a treacle tart. Lily stared down at her plate, still spotless and gleaming gold. She stole a piece of Ash Lynn's pork chop (Ash Lynn was in the process of finishing cutting it) and Lily quickly stuck it in her mouth and began to chew.  
  
"Get your own, Lily!"  
  
"But then I would have to go through the process of cutting it and I honestly don't feel like it. It's much easier since you've already cut them," she replied, as if it were the most logical answer.  
  
"Oh, well of course." Lily grinned and took another piece.  
  
They walked up the marble staircase slowly, talking about classes and Quidditch. James and Sirius did not want to go back to the common room so early (_'But it isn't early'—Remus had protested_) so they left Ash Lynn, Lily, and Remus on the staircase as they went off to cause mischief.  
  
"They have more detentions than anyone I have ever met," Lily mumbled and Ash Lynn nodded in agreement.  
  
"They're just having fun," Remus said, watching as James and Sirius' cloaks billowed behind them as they turned a corner.  
  
"Don't you have fun, as well?" Lily asked.  
  
"I know when to have fun and when I've crossed the line. I also know that sometimes I'd just rather not be where they are." Lily mouthed what looked like 'oh' and they remained quiet until they reached the Portrait of the Fat Lady.  
  
"Mimblewimble," Ash Lynn muttered and the portrait swung open to reveal the crackling fires and welcoming scarlet chairs that were currently occupied by seventh years.  
  
Lily eyed an empty table and quickly made her way to sit down on an empty pouf. Ash Lynn and Remus joined her and stared at her quizzically.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing, it just seems weird that we walk in and you make a sudden bee- line towards the first available table you see," Remus replied.  
  
"Well, I want to get a table to ourselves so we can work on our homework." Ash Lynn groaned.  
  
"I can't stay for long," Remus said quickly, "Detention tonight, remember? I hope those two don't forget. Where's Peter, by the way?" Lily and Ash Lynn shrugged. "Be back in a bit then," he said as he rushed upstairs to the boys' dormitories.  
  
"Hey Pete..." Remus said as he burst the door open to their dormitory. Peter looked up from the book he was reading with a hint of annoyance. "We have detention tonight, remember?"  
  
"Oh yes, I forgot," he squeaked, "Thanks for reminding me."  
  
"No problem, I might as well go off to find James and Sirius as well—they went off to cause more trouble," Remus said as he turned to walk out of the dormitory, closing the door behind him.  
  
"Hey Rem, it'll happen eventually," Peter said suddenly, before the door shut completely.  
  
Remus stopped in his tracks and pushed the door open again, so he was now facing Peter again, "What'll happen?" he questioned.  
  
Peter rolled his eyes, "Like it isn't obvious. Lily's afraid to open up to you, she's afraid to love you because," he dropped his voice to a slight whisper, "everyone she loves always ends up leaving her in the end. You aren't meant to last."  
  
Remus looked shocked and somewhat heartbroken at Peter's words because no matter how harsh it seemed, he was right. It was never meant to be and never would be. Sure, Lily loved how he was one of the only people to ever understand her, the only person to read past her metaphors but she only loved his companionship, not him. He still felt that void, that incompletion that he longed to fill and despite what he could try to convince himself, he would never be complete. Who could ever love him, Remus Lupin? Who would ever want that hideous monster he became once a month? Remus left the room quietly, contemplating everything that Peter said and all the thoughts that seem to be playing in his own mind.  
  
"Who would have thought, a Mudblood and a werewolf," Peter muttered as Remus shut the door.  
  
Remus walked down the stairs and headed towards the table where books lay open beside blank sheets of parchment and quills dry of ink.  
  
"Homework?" he questioned as he sank down on a pouf beside the low table.  
  
"Can't concentrate," Ash Lynn replied, chewing on the tip of her quill, "I'm not exactly looking forward to writing that two page essay for Professor Binns on _giant wars_," she said with clear disgust, "Honestly, who cares?"  
  
"You've got to learn this material!" Lily lectured, "And I'm surprised you haven't even started that essay yet, he handed that assignment to us on Tuesday. You better get started."  
  
"I suppose you've already finished?"  
  
"Of course I have. It's not like I leave all my homework for the weekend," she said pointedly. Ash Lynn sighed and dipped her quill into the inkbottle, staring blankly at the parchment as though it would write the essay itself. Remus laughed at the two of them, perhaps too forcibly for Lily had asked him what was wrong.  
  
"Nothing at all," he lied, "I...have to go find James and Sirius, we've got to go to our detention soon," he finished quickly before getting up and leaving the common room without another word.  
  
"That's some pretty fishy behaviour," Ash Lynn said. Lily shrugged it off and stared at her own parchment, trying to figure how to start her essay on the properties of moonstone and its uses in potion making. Ash Lynn groaned when she realized she had to write that as well.  
  
"Did you leave _all_ your homework for this weekend?" Lily asked in shock.  
  
Ash Lynn nodded. "Sirius is becoming a bad influence on me. Of course, he'll do it all tomorrow night and still manage to get good marks on them. Why do all you have to be so bloody smart?" Lily smiled and grabbed her essay on giant wars out of her bag, handing it to Ash Lynn. She shrieked gleefully and hugged Lily tightly, reading the essay quickly before jotting down some notes she could use in hers (it's not like Professor Binns would have noticed if she had copied Lily's word for word).  
  
The girls stayed up until well past 11:30, Lily finished her potions essay and then helped Ash Lynn finish her own homework so they had tomorrow free. The boys were still not back from detention but they weren't too worried. Lily yawned sleepily as she stumbled up the stairs heading towards the girls' dormitory. She changed into her pajamas and fell onto her bed, yawning again. She buried her head into her pillow and smiled to herself, knowing she would fall asleep happy. She thought about how good it felt to actually have a friend who needed her help with homework, she thought that tonight was a good attempt to start being nice to James (maybe he wasn't so bad after all).  
  
And this was Lily as she used to know, not afraid to smile or hold back from being _her_. This was who she wanted everyone to remember her as. But the past few years haven't allowed her to be that person. Unfortunate deaths and tragedy have led her to stumble over some of life's ridges and fall off course. Although she's experienced pain and heartbreak, like so many have, these new friends have led her to regain strength in her darkest hours.  
  
She still experiences loneliness and that constant darkness creeps ever nearer, but she's trying. She will still sit quietly in class, obeying her elders and the rules, and earning top scores in her classes. She will still spend her afternoons sitting by the fire, indulging her secrets and hidden emotions onto parchment with a quill and she still sometimes cries herself to sleep. But she sits quietly in class next to the most popular boys in school, she'll write in her diary curled up beside Remus, and she'll cry herself to sleep with Ash Lynn right beside her. It was different. No matter how many times the perspective was changed, Lily wasn't the same. She suddenly had a new confidence, one that she hoped never left.  
  
As the Marauders walked away from Forbidden Forest (they were feeding _'some creature that'll only eat food laid down on the night after the full moon'_ Hagrid had told them when they asked), Remus looked up at the velvet black sky that hung above them like curtains, waiting to be torn down by the grasps of the breaking horizon. The stars burned holes in the ebony darkness as though they were struggling to be seen and noticed.  
  
"These struggling stars are for you, Lily, for showing me how difficult it is to break through the fast-holding darkness but that it is possible. I wish I could give them to you in the palm of my hand, so you knew that I struggled to reach them and I know what failure feels like."

**AN:** I'm going to be re-editing this story and then eventually re-posting. One thing that I am changing is Peter. I made him too evil too early.


	23. Desire is Death

**"Why do you hate me, Lily?"**

Lily stood, wide-eyed at James, her mouth hanging slightly open as the words were fumbled by her tongue. She flushed, ever so slightly as he stared at her with those desperate, questioning eyes that burned holes in her heart. The sun blazed down upon her, tiny beads of perspiration lingered on the hairs that clung to her neck.

But where did the sun come from? Weren't they just standing in the cool, dark interior of the Astronomy Tower after hours? Yet, here she and James stood, beside the lake in the snow. But despite the snow and bone-chilling weather, Lily was hot and feverish, as though she were put under a huge pressure. James looked at her anxiously, shivering slightly from the cold; Lily assumed that he didn't feel the sun burning on his face as she did. He ran his fingers through his hair; Lily could tell that he had just gotten finished with a snowball fight because his fingers were wet and his hair froze in a mess. He shivered unconsciously again and Lily wasn't sure if she even really was there, for she felt nothing close to cold, she was sweating and warm. Lily wanted to take off her cloak at that very moment and hope that she would be released from the warm air that was suffocating her. But as she struggled with the clasp that held her cloak around her shoulders, she was thrown into a different scenario.

The same question echoed in her ears as though they were bouncing off the cold, stones of the distant dungeons of Hogwarts. **"Why do you hate me, Lily?"**

Lily looked around, semi-frightened and still considerably hot. She was in a dark, hallway that led to a large oak door but Lily could not remember this hallway for the life of her. She ran as fast as she could towards the door but the harder she tried to run faster, the slower she went. The door now seemed millions of miles away and that she would never reach it, no matter how desperate she was to throw it open. Then, in a split second, she was there as though no time had lapsed at all. She pushed the oak door open and gasped as the cold, bitter air bit her cheeks and fragile fingers. Though it was cold, it was welcoming after the suffocating, stuffy hot air. She reached for the railway that enclosed the balcony and looked over to see a black mass of shadows. In the distance, she could see the outline of the Forbidden Forest looking even more haunting and unwelcome.

"Where am I?" Lily screamed but instead, a long hollow wail escaped from her lips and Lily looked aghast at the sound she had produced. The wind whipped her hair into her face and the trees of the Forest bent with the weight of a thousand worlds but they never broke. The trees moaned and creaked as some unforeseen shadow bent them at its will and Lily could feel as though the shadows beneath the balcony were moving, slowly up towards her. She looked towards the Forbidden Forest as a blur came rushing towards her. She couldn't tell whom or what it was until it was nearly at the base of balcony, clutching his stomach and gasping for air.

"Lily, come on Lily! I need to get you to safety. Please, just come with me. Trust me," James pleaded with her. His eyes, oh, those eyes stared up at her with such despair and terrible sadness that Lily almost collapsed and had to grasp the railway for support. But wait...where was Remus? ...why wasn't he here to save her?  
  
"James...James—I don't hate you!" she wanted to scream but again, that cold, haunting wail escaped from her lips. She bit her lip and almost began crying. What was happening?  
  
Lily tried to pull herself over the railway, to somehow get closer to that warmth that radiated around him through the bitter cold but she couldn't do it. No matter how hard she tried to push herself up, it seemed that gravity wanted to hold her down. Lily looked down in horror to see that her feet were sinking into the seemingly solid concrete of the balcony. No wonder she couldn't move, she was becoming plastered. James cried to her to reach him but never made the attempt to reach her instead. Lily looked to James in a paralyzing fear and screamed his name, "James! James!"  
  
"Lils, Lily?" she felt a pair of hands grab her shoulders and shake her awake. Lily opened her eyes to see the concerned face of Ash Lynn. "Are you alright?" Lily nodded, slowly swallowed, and wiped the tears from her eyes. She attempted to sit up but Ash Lynn pushed her back down. "What happened? You were thrashing about in your sleep."  
  
"Nothing," Lily croaked. "Go back to sleep, Ash. I'm fine." She smiled convincingly at her best friend and pushed her way off her own bed. "I think I'm going to sit by the fire for a little while."  
  
"I'll come with you," Ash Lynn instantly replied as she got up from Lily's bed, grabbing the nearest robe.  
  
"No!" Lily exclaimed quickly, "Go back to sleep, I'll be fine. I just want to do some thinking...alone." Ash Lynn shrugged and sat back down on her bed, watching Lily descend the stairs that led to the common room, concern evident in her eyes.  
  
The fires that roared within the common room were still roaring in the early hours of the morning, before dawn had arrived [the house elves had visited just recently]. Lily collapsed into the nearest armchair and yawned; she never noticed how draining her dreams could be. She tried to piece together her dream; perhaps there was something she hadn't noticed before. All she needed was a clue, some idea as to what the dream could have meant and why was it that James was there—not Remus? Was there something that she needed to know about him, something that he kept hidden? Or perhaps it was a sign that maybe he wasn't so bad, after all, he _had_ tried to save her from those lurking shadows and his eyes, they were so desperate for something, but Lily couldn't figure out what it was. It was those eyes that plagued her dream that confused her, for they lacked the fire that always burned whenever James was around her. His eyes were so empty and pleading, hoping only for a moment's glance into her own; a chance that she tried to deprive of him often. She hated when their eyes met, it made her somehow uncomfortable, unnerving—as though her every movement was being watched and memorised.  
  
It was there and then that Lily decided that she didn't really hate James; she never _really_ hated him anyway. But she was confused, he was likable as a person despite but he was just as confusing as her dreams. He was a mystery without sufficient clues that could help her solve it. He was this thought in the back of her mind that lingered there constantly and waited for her to run through each and every detail—hoping for some little hint to uncover the mystery behind James Potter.  
  
"Lily?" a puzzled voice called her from the stairway that led up to the dormitories. She turned around to see the bedraggled hair and tired, ashen face of Remus.  
  
"What are you doing up?" Lily asked him as she turned back around to watch the dying fire.  
  
Remus climbed onto her armchair and slid down behind her, wrapping his arms around her. She turned towards him and he glanced at her tired face. "Bad dream," he muttered as he tried to hide a yawn.  
  
"Me too," Lily replied.  
  
"Tell me about it?"  
  
Lily glanced wearily at him, "You're probably the only person in this entire school who could sit in the common room at three a.m. with me and ask about my dreams."  
  
"Probably not the only one...but one of the few. C'mon, tell me about your dream," he urged.  
  
Lily sighed but did not say a word. She watched the embers as they burned out into lifeless ash.  
  
Remus's countenance lightened as he watched the beautiful young woman in front of him fight against reason. "Tell me about your dream?" he asked again.  
  
Lily turned slightly towards him, taking in his appearance; he looked tired. Her brilliant emerald eyes were troubled, and she frowned slightly. Her brow furrowed as she struggled to remember the setting and the contents of her latest dream but the vivid images were fleeing her mind. Images that were once so clear that she could pinpoint exact moments were just blank shadows.  
  
"I don't remember. Do you forget your dreams sometimes too?"  
  
"Not usually—I wish I did though. But the ones that I do forget are the ones I want to remember."  
  
"I don't know if this was a dream I wanted to remember," Lily whispered, "It wasn't very happy or pleasant. It was kind of frightening...I felt cold and warm at the same time but never content. I remember a sense of urgency but I don't remember why..." Lily closed her eyes in hope that she could pull the vague pieces back to her.  
  
"Perhaps you should head back to bed," Remus said softly as Lily leaned her head on his shoulder and yawned.  
  
"Perhaps, but I highly doubt that I will fall asleep again. Now that I'm awake, I'm afraid to dream once more."  
  
"What are you so afraid of?"  
  
"It's just that in most of my dreams—there's a distinct shadow. I know it's there and it seems to be coming closer to me, suffocating me. It's terrifying."  
  
"Lils, just remember it's only a dream. Nothing can harm you in your dreams."  
  
"I wouldn't be so sure of that." Remus looked at her questioningly but Lily closed her eyes and yawned again.  
  
"Go to sleep, Lils. You're exhausted."  
  
"Not yet...not yet." Remus nodded and kissed her head gently. "How was detention?"  
  
"Interesting...apparently there are creatures that only feed on the night after the full moon."  
  
"See there, detention does come in handy—you learn new things every day!" remarked Lily, jesting lightly.  
  
Remus grinned, "You learn new things every day, and you've never had as many detentions as I have."  
  
"New things, like what?"  
  
Remus shrugged, "I don't know. Not facts really...you learn about people. You understand them and you learn new things about them each day that helps you to help them, understand? You have a gift, Lily, to see people as the beauty within everyone, to see who they truly are; without masks or hidden secrets. You see them as how they would like to be presented but often struggle and fail..."  
  
Lily pondered this statement and then replied, "There's still someone I can't figure out."  
  
"Who's that?" he inquired.  
  
Lily scowled slightly, her forehead creased and her eyes became darker with thought. "Well, strangely, it's James." Remus raised his eyebrows and stared curiously at Lily. "He's such a complex, complicated person. He's so difficult to decipher, you know? For the last couple of years, I wasn't well known; it was easier for me to watch people without being questioned. I watched people for hours, watching their movements; the kind of habits they had. It was as though I was trying to figure everyone out, in hopes I could fully understand the human race.  
  
"Even as a little girl, living in the Muggle world, I would sit outside and watch people pass by...watch how they held their heads; whether they were high and proud or whether they walked staring constantly at the ground. Subtle hints like that gave away who people were.  
  
"When you guys first started making a name for yourselves with your pranks—it became a goal of mine to decipher each and everyone of you. Sirius was easy—he's well...Sirius; fun loving but serious, no pun intended. He's so...pure...invincible in a way, I mean, he gets in trouble for his pranks but the teachers love him for it. He lightens even the darkest of days. He's the comic relief. He's admired by everyone in the school. He's a natural leader, born to defy rules; school rules...rules at home."  
  
Remus smiled grimly. "What about Peter?"  
  
"Peter was a little bit tricky...he took me a little while to figure out. It was hard to figure out why he, of all people, was a part of your group. I did it eventually." Lily paused for a moment to think about Peter. "Peter is a follower. I'm being completely honest and if I seem rude about Peter, since he's your friend and all, I'm sorry. But he...he likes to walk in the shadows of those who have power over others. I mean, he likes to be associated with those that are well known...popular. He seems like an honest friend, though scared to tell the truth at times. He's afraid of the truth, I think. Afraid that something will slip, something that will make him stumble and fall out of place from walking in step with the Marauders. He depends on you like a child to its mother; without you—no one would know who he was and he's thankful for that. He looks up to you guys, he idolises you."  
  
"That's Peter alright...a follower. But you are right, he is a good friend. We wouldn't be the Marauders without him though. So...what do you think you know about me?" Remus grinned.  
  
Lily smiled softly, "You, Mr. Lupin, were quite difficult, I must say."  
  
"Was I?"  
  
"Yes, and I think that spending time with you has helped me define vague points. You..." Lily faltered slightly. "When I first saw you—I thought you were just like James and Sirius. But I realised there was something more. You know how to have fun but you know when you've stepped out of bounds. You keep James and Sirius in line when they've gone too far but you're lenient with them, as all friends are. You are a great friend and seeing far too much in too few years has made you wise beyond your years. If someone needs advice, they go to you; you have directed many people in the right path, steering them away from the wrong course. But you are weary for someone so young; your face is already lined with worry." Lily gently caressed his face.  
  
"Well someone with my...condition wouldn't be so care-free."  
  
"I know. I wish you didn't have to go through such a terrible ordeal."  
  
"Lily..." a silence filled the common room and Remus looked at Lily hesitantly, she was gazing intently at the fire though she nodded to show that she was listening. "No matter what happens to this relationship, I want you to know that you have changed my life forever. You have showed me such humanity and kindness that I never thought a person could possess. You, as you said for Sirius, are invincible."  
  
"I..." "Do not doubt it," interrupted Remus.  
  
"How did you know what I was going to say?"  
  
"There are just some things about you that are easy to read."  
  
Lily frowned, "Am I that predictable?"  
  
"In some aspects." Lily sighed heavily. Remus gripped her shoulders lightly, "You are only predictable in that you doubt yourself at times and you shouldn't do that. You are the most brilliant star in the sky, Lily, and you shine with such a confidence that cannot be denied nor overlooked. You just need to see that confidence yourself."  
  
Lily looked at Remus doubtfully but he smiled reassuringly to her. "Find your confidence, Lily, and shine. Shine so brightly that you could light anyone's paths out of darkness."  
  
"I wish I could light my own path out of darkness," Lily mumbled. Remus frowned.  
  
"You'll find your own light someday, and you'll find that straying, even the slightest bit, will make you feel so lonely that it tears you apart," Remus whispered sadly in her ear, and then said again, "You'll find your light...someday."  
  
Lily angled her head so that she could look Remus squarely in the face. His eyes were full of sadness and despair, yet there was a glimmer of hope in them; a hope of what? Lily didn't know. "Remus, why are you so sad?"  
  
He smiled at her, "I'm not sad."  
  
"You are when you're with me. Well...not exactly _sad_ but...desperate, in a way."  
  
Remus grimaced and looked at her for perhaps a hint of what she was talking about, but there was nothing. "I'm not desperate. I don't know, Lily. I feel differently around you then with anyone else like I'm falling apart beneath your gaze. There's so much sadness within you that it makes me sad. I wish I knew you, I mean really know you. I want to, but I'm not good at deciphering people as you are. And when you get sad, I can't take you apart and put you back together; as you do to me. I'm not like you, I can't read your thoughts; your so distant sometimes. I just don't know what to do..." he looked at her desperately, somehow pleading for her to understand.  
  
Lily bit her lip and tried to digest all of this. "Would you like me to be more open?"  
  
"Yes," Remus said quietly, "Though, not completely—I like the mysteriousness about you. But I hate not knowing what's wrong with you sometimes. You block everyone out and disappear into some world of your own."  
  
"Do you know why people build their own worlds, sometimes?"  
  
"No...not really." "...to hide from daily pain and suffering. In a world that you create, it's everything you could wish for; peace, happiness... you don't have to feel anything at all. It's a place to be content."  
  
"How do you make a world like this?"  
  
"Anyway you possibly can. I create my world through writing; it's my escape, the only way that I can be sane. Through writing, I can release emotions, thoughts, memories in ways that I can't through speaking."  
  
"It sounds wonderful."  
  
"It is. But as you said, no one really appreciates you when you lose yourself in your world because you do become distant and you don't observe the real world. If one divulges themselves too deeply into their created world—they could lose all sense of reality. I try to stay in reality as much as I can but sometimes wounds cut too deeply for me to want to feel them..."  
  
Remus hesitated slightly before asking, "Is writing how you escaped the pain of your friend and your parents' deaths?" Lily sighed and nodded, followed by a silence that was too unnerving for the both of them.  
  
"I think I'll go back to bed and catch some sleep before breakfast," Lily said suddenly, pulling herself from Remus's grasp.  
  
"Lily, wait. Can I ask you something else?"  
  
"Maybe sometime later, okay, Remus? I'm really tired." Remus made to protest but didn't. Lily moved towards the stairs but Remus stood up and grabbed her wrist, pulling her back towards him. "What?" Lily questioned but Remus didn't answer, he kissed her, softly but passionately. When they had parted, Lily looked at Remus in surprise and touched her lips in shock; the kiss felt like none of the other kisses they had shared before. It was tender but desperate, as though Remus were searching for something in the kiss, and somewhat final. He smiled at her sadly and guided her to the stairs.  
  
"Goodnight Lily," said Remus as he hugged her.  
  
"Goodnight Remus."  
  
Remus stared at that fleeting figure that silently made its way up the stairs. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes as if he were trying to restrain this conversation from fleeing him like Lily's dream had. He was certain that he left Lily even more confused than she had been when she first awoke from her dream.  
  
Lily opened the door to the girls' dormitory and sat down on her bed. Ash Lynn was snoring lightly and the other girls were fast asleep. Lily, although tired, could not sleep. She got up from her bed for the second time that night and sat down by the window. She looked out, seeing the lake shimmering in the moonlight but still looking murky from the darkness. She sighed heavily and sat there until sunrise.  
  
Lily had never actually seen sunrise and it was like nothing she had ever seen before. The sky was at first, grey like metal, and dull. Sunrise was measured, as if each color were an instrument being cautiously rehearsed. The calmest colors crept their way first across the sky before an explosion of color erupted from behind horizon's curtain, beacons of color stealing her breath away. Dawn, she reasoned, was an orchestra of colors and it was more beautiful than any living thing could possibly be.  
  
She spent the remaining hours between dawn and the time her roommates would be stirring writing in her diary. Lily had long ago given up on writing real entries about the goings and comings in her life, for she could never find the words to describe what happened to her and nothing was ever, really worth documenting. Those few events that were worth documenting, though, were some she wished to forget; her parents' death, for instance. A photograph of Chris fell out as she flipped through some of her older entries and she gazed at it for a moment; taking in his every feature. Though the picture was black and white, Lily could picture his ebony hair, always distinctly ruffled, his hazel eyes that always seemed so full of life. But the light in his eyes died the day his parents died. Like Lily, he had experienced the loss of his parents, but unlike her, he was still young and naïve. Chris had committed suicide because with his naïveté, he thought perhaps, that if he died—he could be with his parents. Well, that was what he used to tell Lily in the days before he actually committed the deed, Lily never knew how serious he was. She often wondered if he ever found his parents and wondered if in death, would she meet her parents? Would she meet Chris? Lily took a final glance at the rising sun and turned towards her dorm. Her roommates were stirring and Lily finally decided that she did not want to face any of them, especially with Chris on her mind. She quickly changed into a comfortable outfit and precariously made her way down into the common room. The common room was empty at this hour; Remus must have also left after Lily returned to her dorm. She stole out of the portrait hole, her diary in hand, and headed to the Astronomy Tower.  
  
But when she got there, the Astronomy Tower was not vacant. There was a figure standing by an open window, gazing as though he wanted to be out there, meeting dawn head on. He turned slightly when he heard the door squeak open.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'll just leave," Lily stated quickly as she noticed that the Astronomy Tower was not empty. But as she turned to leave, a quiet voice stopped her—"Don't go." Lily turned around and shut the door behind her. In front of her was the Marauders' fifth roommate.  
  
"Orien, I didn't know you came here."  
  
"It's so quiet," he said, turning his gaze back to the sky.  
  
Lily was silent and watched him uneasily. "How do you do it?" she inquired.  
  
"Do what?" He turned to face her now, his dark hair falling in his dark eyes; he brushed it out irritatingly.  
  
"Make it so that no one can see you."  
  
Orien smiled dreamily at her and beckoned her to come forth. He grabbed her arm and pulled her so that she now faced the window. Lily gasped at the site. Here was the lake, though at a different angle and higher up than from the Gryffindor tower, with the first beacons of sun dancing off its surface and it was beautiful. The light caught the water at the perfect angles and it shimmered slightly, it was like a lake of diamonds.  
  
"You were once invisible as well," Orien replied, after he showed her the gorgeous site. "Why do you want to go back to the lifestyle you lived before?"   
  
"I just want to get away from the people," Lily mumbled.  
  
"Why do you want to be invisible so much? You have people who care about you—who _want_ to see you."  
  
"Sometimes I don't _want_ to be seen."  
  
"They're worried."  
  
"I don't need people to worry about me, thank you very much," said Lily huffily.  
  
"Everyone does." "Even you?" "Even me."  
  
"Who worries about you?" Lily asked. Orien smiled knowingly but did not answer. "There's so much mystery about you," she said, "I can't figure you out."  
  
"And that's how I like it," Orien responded, "if someone figured me out—I would be lacking the mysterious nature that makes me who I am."  
  
"Yes, I suppose your right. I wouldn't like that either."  
  
"I'm going to head outside, there are some things that I need to think about and I told the giant squid I'd be down for a conversation sometime soon," said Orien, suddenly standing up. "I hope you find what you are looking for, Lily Evans," he said before exiting the Astronomy Tower and leaving a very thoughtful redhead. Lily sat down beneath the window and opened up her diary, searching for an empty page to write on but groaned when she realised she did not have a quill on hand.  
  
"Of all things I have to forget," she said, tired and frustrated as she stood up again, but was stopped when her owl, Leona flew in. "What have you got here?" Lily pulled a flower and a piece of parchment from Leona's leg and the owl flew off into the morning sky, heading towards the Owlery. Lily smiled; the flower was none other than a white lily. She opened the parchment and read it; her lips slowly mouthing the words as she read.  
  
My love is as a fever, longing still   
For that which longer nurseth the disease;   
Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill,   
The uncertain-sickly appetite to please.   
My reason, the physician to my love,   
Angry that his prescriptions are not kept,   
Hath left me, and I desperate now approve,   
Desire is death, which physic did expect.   
Past cure I am, now reason is past care,   
And frantic-mad with evermore unrest:   
My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are,   
At random from the truth vainly express'd;   
For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright,   
Who are as black as hell, as dark as night.  
  
Lily raised an eyebrow, curiously and descended down the Astronomy Tower stairs in search of Remus. She entered the Great Hall where there was hardly a soul at breakfast yet but he was there. He hadn't slept at all either since he woke up hours ago. Lily sat down in front of Remus, who looked up from his toast as she appeared.  
  
"A lily," said Lily, a small smile tugging on her lips. "...and Shakespeare?"  
  
"I thought I might have confused you earlier. Shakespeare is a master of words—I thought perhaps he could express what I'm trying to."  
  
"An interesting choice, Mr. Lupin, sonnet 146—I believe?" "147." "Right, care to explain why?"  
  
"Explain what? Why I chose Sonnet 147, why I chose those words to express how I feel?"  
  
"Well, yes, that was the whole point of the question."  
  
Remus looked at Lily hesitantly. He was about to answer when there came a loud yell from the Slytherin table. Remus did not notice that his fellow Marauders had arrived and were now causing the Slytherins' breakfasts to spin in rapid circles on the table causing food to fly everywhere, specifically in the face and greasy hair of a particular Slytherin git.  
  
"Potter! Black!" Severus Snape roared as he got up from the Slytherin table, covered in everyone's breakfast, and moved swiftly towards the Gryffindor table. James and Sirius were up in a flash; their wands were already in their hands. Peter still remained seated and looked as though he were about to cry from fright, Ash Lynn and their other roommates were sitting beside the three Marauders as well.  
  
"Snivellus," Sirius seethed, "Get your greasy hair and abnormally large nose away from us."  
  
"I think I'm going to faint from the stench," James said dramatically, placing a hand on his forehead.  
  
Professor McGonagall was quickly making her way towards the three students but not before Severus pulled out his wand and hexed James and Sirius. But before they could retaliate, Professor McGonagall had reached them and she was not pleased at all.  
  
"Severus Snape!" McGonagall snarled, "Put your wand away. Follow me now, all three of you." Her lips were so thin, they might have disappeared; she was livid. Severus and two very disgruntled, boil covered Marauders followed her out of the Great Hall and towards her office.  
  
Remus sighed, "What am I going to do with them? I'll talk to you later Lily," he said, getting up and hurrying after them. Peter reluctantly followed.  
  
Lily finished her breakfast and left the Great Hall, making her way back towards the Gryffindor common room. There, she found the Marauders in a heated discussion.  
  
"—she docked fifty points from Gryffindor and 25 from Slytherin for "fighting." We weren't exactly fighting!" James exclaimed, "and not only that, she gave us a week's detention! A whole week!"  
  
"You deserve it, James," Remus said softly.  
  
"Deserve it? How do we deserve detention? It was _Snivellus_ who hexed us!" James was now boils free but his face was like that of a ripe tomato.  
  
"Look at what you did first, Potter," Lily commented. The Marauders jumped for they had not noticed she entered the common room.  
  
"Evans!" He rumpled his hair unconsciously. Remus and Sirius darted glances between the two of them. "He deserved it," James shrugged nonchalantly.  
  
"He deserved it...he deserved it?" Oh, how Potter knew how to push her buttons. "...you ignorant, arrogant, git! You would use any excuse to hex somebody...you're such a bully, thinking you can pick on anyone you like. Your excuses are getting weaker, Potter. 'He deserved it?' That's the worse excuse you've come up with yet! Perhaps 'Perfect Potter' has lost his spark," spat Lily angrily. Remus grimaced; so much for his plan at getting them to be friends.  
  
"I..."  
  
"No. Don't bother. You're a disgrace, Potter. I don't even know why I tried to be nice to you." James frowned and sat down on the couch defeated and with that, Lily stormed up to the girls' dormitory.  
  
"Tough luck, James," said Sirius comfortingly.  
  
Lily let out a frustrate shriek and punched her pillow and then collapsed onto her bed wearily. The lack of sleep was finally catching up on her. The dormitory door creaked open and Lily heard shuffled feet make their way over to her bed.  
  
"Lily?" Lily could feel Ash Lynn's weight sink onto her mattress. Lily grunted in response but buried her face deeper into her mattress instead of looking up.  
  
"James..."  
  
Lily shot up from her mattress, a dangerous flame flickering in her emerald eyes. "How dare you come up here and try to defend Potter. I don't understand how he takes pleasure in humiliating other people."  
  
"Yeah, but Lily, this is Snape we're talking about. He's the paragon of humiliation and not to mention, he's so...greasy," said Ash Lynn shuddering, and raising an eyebrow as if to challenge Lily to retort back.  
  
"So, Snape's greasy and Potter's a git. Oh, what is this world coming to? Sirius might as well be Merlin reincarnated," Lily said sardonically.  
  
Ash Lynn snorted, "Sirius? Merlin? Have you got your head screwed on backwards?" Lily rolled her eyes but did not reply. "You have to admit, Lily...Snape covered in food is highly entertaining." Lily glared angrily at Ash Lynn. "Okay...so ah...maybe it's not. No, not at all, it was very wrong of me to say," Ash Lynn said, clearly making it obvious that she still did find it highly amusing.  
  
"I just wish Potter would deflate his head! He is so self-absorbed. He was down there complaining about how he got a detention. Well he deserved it, didn't he?!"  
  
"Now, Lily, I think you're overreacting a bit. It was all in good fun." Lily growled at Ash Lynn and then fell back down on her bed. Ash Lynn now turned serious. "Did you get any sleep after you woke up in the middle of the night?"  
  
"No," Lily mumbled into her pillow.  
  
"Why don't you get some rest now, Lily," Ash Lynn sighed and got up from Lily's bed. No sooner had Ash Lynn left the girls' dormitory did Lily fall into an uneasy sleep.  
  
**AN:** I've been kind of bored and lonely this summer. So, I would most appreciate perhaps a new "pen-pal". Not really "pen pal" but someone who I could correspond with online through e-mail or messengers, whatever. Anyone who e-mails me or whatever, if they ask, I'll send them a preview of the next chapter—it won't be big but just a little something for being a nice correspondent.


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